Thursday, May 23, 2013

More fun with OK Cupid!

I decided it was a bit difficult to totally smash an individuals profile, so rather than take on one profile, I decided to pull my favorite lines from a bunch of profiles. I think the results are funnier, and I hope you share my amusement at the adorable way certain women think. Enjoy

"I like manly men"

You hear that liberal hippie queers?! You better be a lumberjack or this girl ain't interested! When I think of what this woman means when she says "manly" I think she's thinking of Tom Selleck's mustache and lots and lots of flannel.

"I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Too much....Come on now, I'm female!"
I guess women think about stuff lots more than guys or something what the fuck is she talking about? People say that they think about too much actually think about nothing 99% of the time.

"The six things I could never do without:
God, my family, the bible, music, coffee, the internet?"
God AND the Bible? Why both, I mean you have one imaginary stupid thing why put the book about that thing too? Seems double wasteful. Why a question mark after internet? I mean how else would you post this stupid profile? What is the bible's take on internet dating anyway? Jesus was way too jacked and tan to need to use the internet to get ass.

"You should message me if:
You like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain "
You gotta appreciate a reference to one of the worst songs of all time about two people trying to cheat on each other. 
"I would love to find somebody that would help me get to Heaven and bring out the best in me"
Sounds like you want someone to kill you, shouldn't be too hard to find on the internet. Try Craigslist though. 

"I am not just on here looking for a guy to bang and that is not going to be something that would happen right away with anyone I meet."
This is always in every generic chick's profile. If you have to clarify that you're not a complete and utter whore, then odds are you have whored it up at some point. Notice how no girls are putting "I'm a total whore and I fuck on the first date." So why bother putting the disclaimer out there? Same with the "If you're an asshole, don't message me!" Like assholes are all self aware and will be deterred by such a warning.
Well that was fun, being mean to total strangers anonymously on the internet. I enjoyed it.


Sunday, May 19, 2013

Talking to the internet: The story of all of us.

It's hard wanting to tell people your opinions when you don't matter to most people, I get it. We have Facebook, we have Twitter, we have Foursquare to tell people we don't know where we are for some bizarre hasn't been explained to me reason, we have Klout so some of us can even pretend we have influence on said people we don't talk to ever! We have so many apps geared towards the general population telling us "everybody cares about everything!" When the sad reality is we care about as far as other people care about us. Twitter is the ultimate in unadulterated narcissism. Cluttered with people ranging from major celebrities to your neighbor the stay at home mom who blogs about shit that literally only relates to other moms. We live in a world where everybody thinks their life is a sitcom and 99.99999% are so stupefyingly wrong. Or worse they think social media is some sort of diary where they can bitch about personal matters that should be kept to ones closest social circles.

I like my friends, a lot, they have interesting things to say on most subjects, and our topics of conversation are almost always stimulating. Barely any of them are seriously involved in social media, like at all. I envy their indifference to things like Twitter honestly. I go on it mostly to test out jokes or say non sequiturs for the entertainment for some Internet friends. I do not go there to recruit followers or "expand my influence" because in my opinion I have none, I'm just a guy trying to be funny. When I get a like, a favorite, a Re-tweet  I appreciate it as a compliment and contemplate whether or not I can turn it into a stand up joke. It has served as a solid creative outlet for me and its nice to be able to jot down inane or absurd ideas w my phone since my short term memory is astoundingly poor (insert pot joke here). Am I wrong to be disturbed about the posts about what people are eating, where they are, when they're working, how drunk they are, political opinions that serve only to sever ties with other people, and the worst one of all, how happy you are in your relationship? Yuck. Those statuses are a blatant fuck you to all single people. But you'll be back, *evil cackle* they all come back!

I may sound bitter, and I am very very bitter ya know since that "in a relationship" status taunts me at every turn. I guess I just want an idealized world where everyone tries to entertain everyone, and inane statuses that are always passive aggressive in nature and are rarely if ever seen by the intended party because god knows we fear confrontation more than death by firing squad. Why do I want that world? Because I'm a fucking narcissist who wants the world to be dictated by my every desire! But at least I admit it. Also fuck you and your "I don't want drama" bullshit. You know who you are.(See what I did there? Don't try to out passive aggression me, I'll fucking bury you!)

I wrote this one my phone so if the grammar suffers I apologize but it's 3 am and I must be lonely.(matchbox 20 lyrics ftw)