Best of Twitter 8/8-8/14

Twitter is the bane of my existence, but sometimes, people on there are very funny and I think they deserve their due props. Will I mention myself? I'm narcissistic enough to have a blog, so the answer is of course yes. Well enough of this bullshit explanation, let's get to the tweets!

@ShelbyFero

Using a quote to describe yourself is a fun way to say "unoriginal."

@ChrisRRegan

Romney at announcement wearing tie, no blazer. Ryan in blazer, no tie. HOLD ON TIGHT, AMERICA! [SFX: guitar shred]

@bigdoperob

I'd ask to see Paul Ryan's birth certificate but he looks like he was born during a fireworks show on the 4th in the bed of a Ford truck.

@ajfriedmanjokes

I'm trying to be more compassionate, but I'm finding it difficult since some of the people I know exist.

@ajfriedmanjokes

my therapist won't return my calls. Maybe I should stop referring to girls I meet at bars as my therapist.

@mikepolkjr

Can anyone recommend a good podcast that has five dudes talking on top of each other for 40 minutes too long?

@comedianvincel

Katy Perry's lyrics are like one long shitty facebook status.

@comedianvincel

TLC must really hate Zach Braff