The woman alone at the bar and the asshole who made it happen

So I was at a bar the other night and I noticed a woman in her mid 40s (I guess, I was not sober so who knows) and she was alone at the bar.  Now she arrived at the bar around the same time me and my group of friends did, and whatever, she's waiting on her friends or a guy, I'm gonna drink and play poorly at darts, which, sidebar for a second, I suck at darts.  And I'm totally fine with playing darts and being shitty doing so, but it always seems like people get mad at me when I suck, even after telling me "oh it doesn't matter just play!". Inevitably I don't take it seriously, because it's fucking darts, and my teammate will always get frustrated! I just told you I sucked, and you completely disregarded that statement and handed me darts anyways. So you sir, are the asshole, not me. 

Anyways back to the lonely milf at the bar (milf is more appropriate than cougar here since this was not really a cougar bar perse, and she was attractive enough that I would indeed sleep with her, thus the milf moniker).  So as were playing a shitty game of darts, I start to notice, nobody is showing up to hang with this lady.  I start thinking of why she's by herself...did she come here to watch football? Seems far fetched that a woman her age would be dressed nicely to go to a bar by herself to watch Tebow get massacred by the Patriots.  Was she meeting friends? Not likely since she's been here an hour, and she doesn't strike me as an alcoholic. 

No no, this girl is has stood up written all over her. So as I'm contemplating asking this woman what the deal is, because really she'd become a human interest for me at that point, I start thinking about this asshole (who still really may or may not exist, I never gathered the balls to talk to her because I wasn't quite drunk enough) and why he would do this to a seemingly nice person.  Now here's where I infer my own story, because all of this is predicated on the fact that she was indeed ditched by some douche bag.

What kind of piece of shit motherfucking asshole/bitch bails on a another person with no explanation, call, text, facebook message, etc.?  We live in an age of technology people, if someone doesn't respond to your text within 24 hours (That's being really liberal, usually more like 4 hours if not during work hours) that means that person probably hates you or has no interest in ever hanging out with you. Or they're a drug addict. Or they lost their phone. Definitely one of those. 

But seriously why wouldn't you make up some bullshit excuse at least? That's a person you're ditching, they have feelings, let them know, don't let them drink alone at a fucking bar by themselves watching the shittiest playoff game of all time (slight exaggeration).  If you ditch a person on a date, I don't care if you met them online and have never actually met them, without some sort of forewarning, you are a gigantic piece of shit and I hate you.  Good luck with the whole not having a conscience thing and I hope someday you get excited to hang out with someone and they do the same god damn thing to you.

Wine and sandwiches

So for as long as I've been a fan of the NFL, there has always been an uproar for the unveiling of commercials at the Super Bowl.  Companies pay insane amounts of money to throw some shitty 30 second advertisement in the middle of the most hyped sporting event in America.  Notice I don't say world, since nobody outside this country, gives a damn about the NFL.  But back to the commercials, they're not supposed to be "shitty" they're supposed to be the best of the year.  The day after the game all the major media outlets do rankings for the commercials that were supposedly the best.

Now I'd be lying to you if I didn't admit to being excited for the commercials in previous years, what with my Philadelphia Eagles never being there so the game itself meant nothing, but I'm all done folks.  I realized recently that getting excited for advertisements for beer, life insurance, mixed nuts, and Doritos, was definitely one of the more depressing aspects of my life.  Now every so often, there are funny commercials, just like every so often you hear a song on a pop radio station you like, but that doesn't mean your family has to yell "shhhhhh!!" when the game goes to commercial.

Commercials are still advertisements for shit that you don't even need to know about.  We're all American adults, we know about Budweiser, we know about Doritos, and for the love of everything horrible to ever exist, we know about the repugnant, and offensively stupid Godaddy(Which for the record if you ever went to the site to "see more", I'm honestly astonished you read this far so congratulations!).  So that means every advertisement is essentially for kids, and as you just read and can easily deduce, those advertisements were for beer, empty calories, and tits. Gotta love it America, let's go Lions(50-1 odds go put 5 on them like I did)! And in case you didn't like this article, here's a commercial for Doritos!

Why is it raining? Nevermind I pissed my pants...

So it's the day before Thanksgiving, we're all ready to completely ignore our daily routines of pretending to want to eat well and gorge ourselves on food prepared by our relatives while we contribute nothing more than a bowl of chex mix w M&Ms in it because we (well me definitely) are all family leeches around this time of year.  It starts with Thanksgiving, which is awesome don't get me wrong, and I don't mean in a celebrating the Pilgrims slaughtering Indians kind of way either.  In a way that taking a 30 minute shower is awesome, you know it's overindulgent and gluttonous behavior but who gives a shit pass the stuffing, I'm going for seconds, thirds, fourths, and then I'll pass out on the couch watching football, because THAT is how I roll on Thanksgiving. 

But Thanksgiving is only the beginning.  Let's be honest Christmas is already here folks, and we aren't even all that resistant to its fat ass ambassador Santa.  It's the "season of giving" they say...yeah, ok.  I'm not sure about all of you, well yes I am you're selfish or in denial about being selfish, whatever, but everytime I go Christmas shopping, it's like I'm on a personal wish list spree.  What does my mom want? What do I get my God Daughter? I have no fucking idea what they want that they don't already have, but I know damn well I need a new hoodie and I'm at the mall already so ipso facto, I'm leaving with a hoodie and gift cards to Coldstone and Baby Gap.  Not to say I don't love buying things for people, but I have no discretionary income for other people.  That's something adults can do, but not I.  So for now, I'm going to buy the people close to me one of those Delta Sonic/Applebees half ass, completely thoughtless gift certificate thingys, and stick to buying the real stuff for myself, since who knows me better than me?  If you say Santa, stop reading this and get back to your coloring book kid.  Merry effin Christmas and eat all you want, I'm out!



You're gonna die clown!

So, I've been a sports fan for as long as I can remember, paying attention to scores, games, what have you, for no real purpose that I can explain to a rationally thinking person.  My biggest "vice" is the Philadelphia Eagles, who continue to be the bane of my existence in every way.  They say that art imitates life(pretty sure that's the quote, call it 80% sure) and in that vain, I have taken that idea to the most extreme of extremes. 

For whatever reason I tend to notice similarities between my life and the Eagles on a regular basis.  Let's start with the basics:

The Eagles have never won the Super Bowl...they always come up short and are usually just good enought to get my hopes up every single year.  If I'm being pessimistic about my life, which is always good fun, I believe that the Eagles futility somehow reflects onto me as a person and creates this totally irrational feeling that no matter what I do, I will never achieve ultimate success.

Now that in and of itself is completely stupid and anyone reading this probably thinks I'm either an idiot or a lunatic or both, and you're probably half right with that assessment.  But recently it's actually become a fun game for me to distract me from reality.  Truth is, my reality is I'm a broke single college grad living with my parents.  Not exactly the definition of success in any way shape or form.  But I'm hardly mopey about it, well sometimes but I am human(I think), so when shit gets real I do get down from time to time.  But that reality does not bum me out for long because living life is a distraction in many ways.  Is it unrealistic to believe that the success of a bunch of highly paid athletes performing poorly somehow correlates to myself being unsuccessful in the dating world? Of course it is!  But what fun would it be to just talk about how all my problems are a direct result of my own personal actions? None at all I say. 

So what if I believe the consummation and subsequent end of my longest relationship was a mirror image of the Donovan Mcnabb era in Philadelphia?  It's not supposed to make sense to you, it's supposed to make you laugh.  And that people, is what nearly everything I do is about.  So I submit to you the reader to please have fun with life, distract yourself from our shitty government problems, and maybe consider relating your life to something totally ridiculous, it works for me.

Video of the day

Money doesn't buy happiness, it is happiness.

Do people listen to themselves when they talk ever? We're all guilty at some point or another of completely disregarding the sad fact that people don't give a shit about what we're talking about.  For me it's mostly when I talk about fantasy sports, a subject that is literally not even interesting to fellow players.  I call us "players" because that is really the only vain in which such a classification would be given.  But why on a persistent basis do people decide to bore other people with the most banal minutia ever conceived? It's almost as if for some people, the idea of a two way conversation is unthinkable.  As a self centered prick myself, even I find it fascinating when people like this actually complain about other people behaving the same way.  I don't know if it is some sort of unconscious defense mechanism that operates on it's own to protect the conscience from realizing just how dull they are as a person, but holy hypocrisy batman! All I'm saying is that if you're going to bore the shit out of me with stories about your aunt's birthday party having the best potato salad you've ever eaten, then be prepared to hear just how many fantasy points Lesean Mccoy got me this week to bring the Rainbow Jizzstains to a record of 6-4.  Stay interesting my friends.

I don't mean mug, I shoulder shrug.

Well it's Monday, the nations most hated day of the calendar week, and for once it lives up to that billing for yours truly.  But that's not why I'm blogging for the first time since I was writing scathing messages directed at my football team the Philadelphia Eagles, really I have no reason other than time on my hands, and masturbation only takes up so much time so here I am.  So let's get to some news stories I'd like to comment on shall we? What's up with this Herman Cain fellow? And is it just me or are this years group of Republican candidates even more laughably bad than Bush could have ever been.  Even Bob Dole thinks these guys, and alien cyborg Bachmann, are less interesting than a book about how string cheese is made.  As a registered democrat, I find myself at a loss for how candidates for president have gone the path of Adam Sandler movies; At first they were really good and pretty hilarious, and now they're just pathetic and sad.  I think even Bachmann and Perry would support abortion if it meant we would've killed Adam Sandler's career 10 years ago.  Seriously Adam, WHAT THE FUCK?, as your biggest fan into the early 2000s, why did you decide to face rape your loyal fans for the past decade?  I'm just waiting for your final film, you farting on a fans face while you wackoff into $100 bills.  So if anyone reading this decides it's a good idea to use precious time in your life to watch Jack & Jill, if you're too afraid to off yourself, do us all a favor and buy a ticket to a different movie so as to not continue the disease that is Sandler.  How about some sports commentary? Yeah? Let's do it.  Tim Tebow reminds me of the Cleveland Indians from Major League.  The whole organization wants him to fail so bad and they can't do it!  Look out for that team to cut their best players, hell they already unloaded their best WR Lloyd.  Watch them sign Tiki Barber this week, because their top 2 rbs are "hurt".  From now on I'm calling Tebow Christian Wild Thing.  You should too.  Time for some social commentary.  I'm sick of all forms of machismo, it is patently insecure douche bag behavior.  We get it dude, if you don't tell me that you would fuck every girl that walks past you at the mall, I might question your sexual preference and ridicule you for being different, but the fact is I'm going to do that anyways, and just because we happen to be standing next to each other, doesn't make us friends.  Go drown your insecurities at Heat, or Hush, or Vinyl, or whatever club you drones troll for pussy with daddy issues.  One more thing before I go. Last night at Applebees a lovely young bartender had a little trouble with what I presume was a daiquiri, and it shot out some liquid towards her.  If you don't know where this is headed, stop reading and watch The Office now.  She asked me, "Did it get in my hair?", to which I responded "No, but, that's what she said!" then I high fived my friends and I won the night. The end.

Oh and I may as well do weekly picks, so tonight's MNF affair I'll go Packers 34 Vikings 30.  Look out for Ponder, he looks an awful lot like that asshole who wouldn't go away.