Work Bloggin!

Small talk needs to fucking die.  It has no place in our lives.  I'm not even referring to "how was your day?" or "What's up?" because those are just conversation starters and I'd be quite the asshole, well a bigger asshole if I had a problem with those cursory statements.  I'm talking about "how was work?", comments on the weather we all are well aware of as fellow living things, and just things we generally don't care about, like people I don't know and don't care about, mostly celebrities and your family.

I love my family. Love them. But do I talk about what my sister is going to school for ever? Absolutely never.  Is that because I have no clue what she goes to school for? Noooo. That fact is irrelevant. She goes for something, I'm pretty sure. If you're reading this Adrianna, let me know sometime, love you! Anyways, wasn't that last sentence the most boring thing you've ever read? Precisely my point.

So don't tell me about your daughter's ballet recital.  Unless she's single, attractive (to me) and over 18.

Don't show me pictures of your baby, all babies look the same to me, actually most people under the age of 17 look the same to me, so forget them too.

Your dog is boring.  I have a cat I love. Wanna hear about him? google the word cat, that should sum it up.

Your work is boring, if you hear me talk about mattresses for more than 10 consecutive seconds you have permission to slap me across the face.

Don't talk to me about sports that aren't on ESPN or are soccer. That's a personal one, just an FYI.

And if this offends you in any way, good news, you don't have to talk to me! We both win! Well mostly me but whatever!  Good luck and take my advice and be interesting, people will love you or hate you, and that's better than getting stuck in shit conversations with people you hate right?

Hating the people on the TV box

The other day my cousin said he hated Kim Kardashian.  Now on the surface this seems like a perfectly logical statement about a preening, famous because her dad and her ridiculous hindquarters(ASS) and sex tapes with C list musicians, super slutbot with the personality of drywall, but dig deeper and realize hating this insignificant silicone moron is quite pointless and not worth any of our time.  I don't have enough time in my day to exercise hate towards a person I've a) never met and b) has zero effect on my day to day life.

We say it all the time, "hate is a strong word". Not as strong as violence, but still a fairly strong word in our vast dictionary of muscle bound words.  It's a strong emotion to feel hate towards someone, but hate can be both rational and irrational.  You can hate a general class of people or race, the latter making you a racist of course, the former for example would be hating the general clientele of Lady Jane's.  Neither can be considered really rational since like I said about the Kardashian bitch, you really don't know those people.  You know what they're about in general and you can stereotype of course, but that's pretty ignorant wouldn't you say?

Now the fun part, rational hate! I hate small talk! I hate going to JD Oxfords! I hate the options I have to be elected president of our country! I hate stupid motherfuckers! Ahhhhh that feels so good! See what I'm doing here? I have a passionate emotional feeling of negativity towards things I have first hand experienced and decided that those things inspire anger, frustration, and general unhappiness within me when I am subjected to them.  So now think about some things you think you hate (I thought of some things I thought I hated too for example mushrooms(nonpsychadellic!) I don't hate them I just dislike their taste, in other words, mushrooms don't upset me when they're in my food.) and think about if you really hate those things, people, and yes, the people on your television and radio.

Do you hate Ke$ha? Or are you just mad that a no talent super skank has a shit ton of money you will never in your life get to see? I for one, fall into the latter. So fuck that bitch, she doesn't get the hate from me, just grotesque envy of her vast wealth achieved by incomprehensible means.

Now a funny video I hope you don't HATE!

Wine and sandwiches

So for as long as I've been a fan of the NFL, there has always been an uproar for the unveiling of commercials at the Super Bowl.  Companies pay insane amounts of money to throw some shitty 30 second advertisement in the middle of the most hyped sporting event in America.  Notice I don't say world, since nobody outside this country, gives a damn about the NFL.  But back to the commercials, they're not supposed to be "shitty" they're supposed to be the best of the year.  The day after the game all the major media outlets do rankings for the commercials that were supposedly the best.

Now I'd be lying to you if I didn't admit to being excited for the commercials in previous years, what with my Philadelphia Eagles never being there so the game itself meant nothing, but I'm all done folks.  I realized recently that getting excited for advertisements for beer, life insurance, mixed nuts, and Doritos, was definitely one of the more depressing aspects of my life.  Now every so often, there are funny commercials, just like every so often you hear a song on a pop radio station you like, but that doesn't mean your family has to yell "shhhhhh!!" when the game goes to commercial.

Commercials are still advertisements for shit that you don't even need to know about.  We're all American adults, we know about Budweiser, we know about Doritos, and for the love of everything horrible to ever exist, we know about the repugnant, and offensively stupid Godaddy(Which for the record if you ever went to the site to "see more", I'm honestly astonished you read this far so congratulations!).  So that means every advertisement is essentially for kids, and as you just read and can easily deduce, those advertisements were for beer, empty calories, and tits. Gotta love it America, let's go Lions(50-1 odds go put 5 on them like I did)! And in case you didn't like this article, here's a commercial for Doritos!

Money doesn't buy happiness, it is happiness.

Do people listen to themselves when they talk ever? We're all guilty at some point or another of completely disregarding the sad fact that people don't give a shit about what we're talking about.  For me it's mostly when I talk about fantasy sports, a subject that is literally not even interesting to fellow players.  I call us "players" because that is really the only vain in which such a classification would be given.  But why on a persistent basis do people decide to bore other people with the most banal minutia ever conceived? It's almost as if for some people, the idea of a two way conversation is unthinkable.  As a self centered prick myself, even I find it fascinating when people like this actually complain about other people behaving the same way.  I don't know if it is some sort of unconscious defense mechanism that operates on it's own to protect the conscience from realizing just how dull they are as a person, but holy hypocrisy batman! All I'm saying is that if you're going to bore the shit out of me with stories about your aunt's birthday party having the best potato salad you've ever eaten, then be prepared to hear just how many fantasy points Lesean Mccoy got me this week to bring the Rainbow Jizzstains to a record of 6-4.  Stay interesting my friends.