Saturday, September 29, 2012

Online dating tips from a seasoned veteran

*Before you read this, know that this isn't a guide to getting laid off internet dating, that shit is retardedly easy. There are stupid girls and guys all around us, find them, fuck them, do whatever you want with them, just stay the hell away from me with your STDs and mind numbing conversation topics that range from Jager Bombs to Jersey Shore.*

Okay so you want a relationship and you came to the internet to find such a thing eh? Well I can't say that it's the best idea you've ever had but treasure can be found in a trash heap every once in awhile. But you have to be smart, you have to put in effort, and you have to be willing to deal with a possibly very long trial and error period. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that the percentage of people finding a long lasting relationship on the first try on the internet is less than 1%. If it happens, well fuck me then I guess you should be the one writing this not me. But chances are you will step on a few land mines on your way to capturing the flag, and I'm here to help you navigate the mine fields as safely as possible.

1. Be yourself! - This one seems easy but it is one of the biggest obstacles of the internet dating world oddly enough. When you're having a tough time finding that perfect person, inevitably you start to try to expand your search, including people you never considered, and when that happens you start to adjust your strategy. Don't do that! If you smoke weed, be open about that shit. If you like to get down with World of Warcraft, don't try to impress the chick looking for a big country boy. That chick is retarded anyway, avoid her at all costs (Unless you are said big idiot country boy, yes I generalize, because I can and it's true most of the time and I'm an asshole). The best way to start a pointless relationship is pretending you're something you're not, so be the dorky pothead you know you are.

2.  Avoid the damaged goods aisle - Listen, if they seem a little fucked in the head on their profile, they're most likely bat shit crazy in person.  Most of these people include things like "Not looking for liars, cheaters, or assholes" or "I've been burned so many times before and just want a guy to treat me right" or "All guys are assholes and I hate them and my dad never loved me and you need to fix me PLEASE FUCKING FIX ME!" Okay I made the last one up for effect but you know what I mean. Seriously you need to make a note to possible suitors that you don't want a total piece of shit? That is an open invitation to the exact scumbag you're looking to avoid.

3. Don't take this shit seriously - It's just dating, remember that. You don't need to  say things like "Looking for my soul mate" Or "Looking for a serious relationship only", in fact, never ever do either of those things. Relationships take time to develop, there shouldn't be anything serious discussed on a first date. You know who wants a serious relationship immediately? Crazy people. Trust me, I've dated them, they're best left for each other. Don't mention anything about a relationship for at least a month of dating, and if they mention it in the first week, fuck* that noise and run for your fucking life. *Don't actually fuck that noise.

4. Don't be cliche - "Hey, how are you" <-----Are you kidding me with this bullshit introduction? Do you know how fucking boring you sound when you say "Hi, what's up?" You might as well say "Hey I've got nothing to say when I have time to craft an actual introduction, so talking to me in person will be as reading a coloring book." Also avoid making comments about their appearance right off the bat. They know they have pretty eyes, they've heard it a million times from a bunch of unoriginal douche bags with nothing else to say who think they're being flirty when in reality they're being embarrassingly shallow and illustrating how they didn't bother to read a sentence of their profile. Always mention something in their profile, always!

5. Get to the in person part ASAP - Online conversations are boring and who wants to get to know someone in the most impersonal way ever? My suggestion is establish that you're not a creep(Probably the hardest part, well for me anyway), set up a date in a place you can talk without distraction, and from there you are home free. Try not to meet at a bar if you don't have to, you don't need them to see you drunk...yet. Also if the person is real sketched out by meeting you so soon, just forget them. Obviously they are insanely cautious and have to have perfect circumstances where they know everything about you before they meet you, which is bizarre and a big red flag. If I wanted an Internet relationship, I'd go back in time and go in AOL chat rooms all day and night.

6. Don't be a little bitch - Did someone you thought was cool and cute and just for you not respond to your funny little line? Get over it! Sorry you're not the Adonis you tell yourself you are every day to every person on the planet. Internet dating is not for the weak minded. You can and will get rejected A LOT.  That girl you just messaged? She probably is sifting through over 30 dudes' messages, so like I said in #4, be as original as possible, but even when that is the case, sometimes a chick ain't attracted to you! It happens, and once you learn to deal with rejection and stop with sarcastic comments attempting to guilt a person into a date (Which to my knowledge has worked exactly 0 times ever) you will be able to navigate this world. Oh yeah, and remember you will be doing your share of rejecting to, you shallow asshole!

7. Keep it over 21 if you're over 21 - Dating younger is just not a good idea. And when I say younger, I mean the under 21 crowd. I know they can be more mature than their age, but just trust me on this. Do you remember yourself before 21? Exactly. Your friends go out to bars, do you really want someone pulling out their Maryland fake ID at the door while they're with you? Just saying, maturity isn't all about age, but the under 21 factory features the highest level of danger. But hey, if you like playing with fire, be my guest. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

8. Desperation stinks - This is more a tip in general, but on your profile don't mention anything about wanting a relationship "real bad" or how you miss being in a relationship. Play it cool. Like I said, it's not that serious of stuff folks. Your profile is your way of selling yourself. Think of it as a dating resume of sorts. Talk about your interests, throw a few jokes in there (My favorite was answering the question "What do you do on a typical Friday night?" To which I responded "Selling meth to the kids." hardee har har) and be nonchalant about the whole thing. Oh and stop with the "I can't believe I'm on a dating site!" or "I don't know what to expect here but I'll give it a try!" Listen, you suck at dating in real life and/or you're just super lazy, it's okay. Just stop acting like you're somehow above it and are just here because a friend suggested it. Everyone on the site is on an equal playing field, so you don't have to mention why you're here. We already know.

9. Finally, comb those profiles for red flags - For me, "has kids" is the biggest flag, but that's usually pretty easy to detect as it is usually the only thing the person talks about. Most of the time you need to dig deeper to find the crazy pills.  I mentioned before the stuff about "I don't want cheaters, liars, or assholes" You can go ahead and skip those people. "Don't want anything serious" is code for just wants to fuck, which is good if that's what you want but don't go barking up this tree for a relationship.  Anything about Twilight or Jeff Dunham or other retarded things, pass on those. If you don't like dancing, don't go out with a dancer.  Another big red flag is mentioning they want someone attractive. Seriously? Fuck you bitch.  We all want someone attractive, and the day someone gets to a page, sees that statement, and thinks "well I'm an ugly fuck so never mind" is the day that will never happen ever. Don't ever state the obvious because it makes you sound pretentious and real stupid. Unless you want to be thought an asshole or bitch, then by all means state exactly the person you want in great detail like a shithead.

Well I hope this helps you navigate the world of online dating a little better. It isn't easy, but dating wasn't easy to begin with. Dating is awful, and I really don't recommend it. My suggestion is you skip it entirely, but you're a renegade, and I respect your willingness to subject yourself to such a treacherous world for the sake of dipping your P in a V or vice versa. Be strong, and maybe just maybe, you will find someone who will put up with your annoying ass:)

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Twitter stuff 8/29-9/4

I was lazy this week (If not being on twitter hours a day is considered "lazy") so only 7 favorites this week.

Don't forget to say "Yeah, my wife!" if someone asks you if you've got a dishwasher at home. Guaranteed laughs all round.

@ShelbyFero Get drunk and pretend to have fun." -parties

If anybody asks, I'm super excited to be at work right now and NOT going from office to office peeing a little bit on everybody's chair.

Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh..SPLATMAN. - thats my new superhero im working on. He fights crime by shooting lethal loads on villians.

At the Zoo instead of the gym. Pretty much the same. I'm sweaty, thirsty &considering letting one of these hairy animals rip off my spandex.

As always, I will vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to do the time change thingy were it's light later in the day all year.

@NataleeDara I don't see what all the fuss is about, I fold fitted sheets the same way I fold regular sheets: I don't