"I like manly men"
You hear that liberal hippie queers?! You better be a lumberjack or this girl ain't interested! When I think of what this woman means when she says "manly" I think she's thinking of Tom Selleck's mustache and lots and lots of flannel.
"I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Too much....Come on now, I'm female!"
I guess women think about stuff lots more than guys or something what the fuck is she talking about? People say that they think about too much actually think about nothing 99% of the time.
"The six things I could never do without:
God, my family, the bible, music, coffee, the internet?"
God AND the Bible? Why both, I mean you have one imaginary stupid thing why put the book about that thing too? Seems double wasteful. Why a question mark after internet? I mean how else would you post this stupid profile? What is the bible's take on internet dating anyway? Jesus was way too jacked and tan to need to use the internet to get ass.
"You should message me if:
You like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain "
You gotta appreciate a reference to one of the worst songs of all time about two people trying to cheat on each other.
"I would love to find somebody that would help me get to Heaven and bring out the best in me"
Sounds like you want someone to kill you, shouldn't be too hard to find on the internet. Try Craigslist though.
"I am not just on here looking for a guy to bang and that is not going to be something that would happen right away with anyone I meet."
This is always in every generic chick's profile. If you have to clarify that you're not a complete and utter whore, then odds are you have whored it up at some point. Notice how no girls are putting "I'm a total whore and I fuck on the first date." So why bother putting the disclaimer out there? Same with the "If you're an asshole, don't message me!" Like assholes are all self aware and will be deterred by such a warning.
Well that was fun, being mean to total strangers anonymously on the internet. I enjoyed it.