Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Best of Twitter 8/22-8/28

Another installment of Best Tweets of the week! No rankings this week, but this is a top 10, so everyone else gets a honorable mention if they tweeted something decent or got a favorite out of yours truly, and if you sucked all week well what can I say? Delete your account I guess.

A kid at this Welcome Week concert just said "on the outside I'm young but on the inside I'm old." On the outside I'm saying "fuck you."

Probably a bad sign if you ask your doctor if you have cancer and he says “big time”

At a job interview: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" "in a mirror, just like I do today, duhhhh" "you're hired, here's $192,000"

Hey cool guy, don't audibly say "Wow" when you see a hot girl. You'll freak her out. Just make eye contact with her and mouth "Wow".

"Oh snap, the old Free Credit Report .Com band is dissing the new band... shit's about to get cray" - King Of All Ass Hats

No i do not wanna funnel a mountain dew

Piers Morgan is interviewing Jeff Foxwothy about a bible game show. America, wtf are we even doing anymore?

Working with Spike Jones on my new documentary where I try to meet Neve Campbell & Denise Richards called Where the Wild Things Are.

As always, I will vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to do the time change thingy were it's light later in the day all year.

At the Zoo instead of the gym. Pretty much the same. I'm sweaty, thirsty &considering letting one of these hairy animals rip off my spandex.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Best of Twitter 8/15-8/21

Very funny week in Twitterverse (That's a thing, trust me) Here's my top 10 (Yes I'm ranking them now, what would praise be without creating insecurity in folks? Exactly) Enjoy!

1. @_DanFisher Todd Akin: "It's clear that I misspoke, what I meant to say was, it's not rape cause a man has needs, and women are here to please us y'all"

2. @0ddfellow If you and your spouse have a joint Facebook account named JoeandMegan Smitherson then i'm sorry but you can't use the Internet anymore.

3. @vaguelyfunnydan A fun prank is to put dog shit in a paper bag then set someone's home on fire.

4. @ChaseMit Dead people can't hear you saying "Rest In Peace" so remind them frequently while they're still here.

5. @MaronzioVance Crimson Tide, Enemy Of The State, Beverly Hills Cop 2, and True Romance. My favorite Tony Scott films. I have no favorite Tyler Perry films

6. @beck_cellent It doesnt matter how broke i am...dropping my metrocard into garbage water is a deal breaker. Enjoy that singleride homelesspersonwhotweets

7. @JamesAshbery I'm very proud of myself for not watching TV in three weeks. Also, please send money so I can turn my electric back on.

8. @JeffPorper Augusta is proud to admit first two women today. Expects club house to be spotless by sundown.

9. @3x1minus1 Why does the band Train even exist?

10. @PAYNENDASSCMDY All the jobs I ever received where from recommendation from my white friends. All the bj's I received where because of bad white parents.

So there's this week's best, it will be seen by literally over 10 people! Talk about exposure right?!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

My Adam Sandler Theory (It's indisputable)

My sister and I were discussing the relative merits to Adam Sandler's movies while watching Mr. Deeds (Granted not his best work, but still funny) when I had a realization. He became what he was supposed to be fighting. 

Bear with me* I have a point. Also if you didn't enjoy Billy Madison and/or Happy Gilmore, you have my permission to leave now.  Okay those who stuck around, You understand why those movies were so great? Let me describe Sandler's characters for you.

Billy Madison - A complete loser and idiot. Is wealthy but only because he lives off his dad's riches. Gets wasted all the time, before going back to 1st grade to get his dad's company. Learns lessons, beats hot shot executive, wins girl, comes out on top. Underdog overcomes odds.

Happy Gilmore - Loser dumped by girlfriend for being a failed hockey player. Realizes he has insane golfing ability. Beats hot shot golfer and wins girl. Underdog overcomes odds.

What is the common theme between them? Adam Sandler starts out as a failure of life, no girlfriend, no future, no purpose. Then through a series of absurd events, he comes out the victor in the end.

Agreed there is a theme there? Now let's lightly analyze his characters in Grown Ups & You don't mess with the Zohan. Those movies were by all accounts, disasters. I've watched both and came away regretting every second I spent watching these two abominations. Now here is a brief description of these two Sandler characters.

Grown Ups - Rich, successful, smoking hot wife played by Salma Hayek. Friends in the movie all have inferior positions in life. No underdog story here.

You don't mess with the Zohan - He plays a Israeli Special Forces Soldier. He is fawned over by all women, and sleeps with a multitude of women. Underdog? No. Loser? No.

So as you can see, it's obvious that Sandler as a cool guy is not cool with us. We want the loser. Whatever, I just hope I'm not the only one confused by Bobby Boucher as a rich guy married to Kate Beckinsale.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Best of Twitter 8/8-8/14

Twitter is the bane of my existence, but sometimes, people on there are very funny and I think they deserve their due props. Will I mention myself? I'm narcissistic enough to have a blog, so the answer is of course yes. Well enough of this bullshit explanation, let's get to the tweets!

Using a quote to describe yourself is a fun way to say "unoriginal."

Romney at announcement wearing tie, no blazer. Ryan in blazer, no tie. HOLD ON TIGHT, AMERICA! [SFX: guitar shred]

I'd ask to see Paul Ryan's birth certificate but he looks like he was born during a fireworks show on the 4th in the bed of a Ford truck.

I'm trying to be more compassionate, but I'm finding it difficult since some of the people I know exist.

my therapist won't return my calls. Maybe I should stop referring to girls I meet at bars as my therapist.

Can anyone recommend a good podcast that has five dudes talking on top of each other for 40 minutes too long?

Katy Perry's lyrics are like one long shitty facebook status.

TLC must really hate Zach Braff