Best of Twitter 8/22-8/28

Another installment of Best Tweets of the week! No rankings this week, but this is a top 10, so everyone else gets a honorable mention if they tweeted something decent or got a favorite out of yours truly, and if you sucked all week well what can I say? Delete your account I guess.

@ShelbyFero

A kid at this Welcome Week concert just said "on the outside I'm young but on the inside I'm old." On the outside I'm saying "fuck you."

@ChaseMit

Probably a bad sign if you ask your doctor if you have cancer and he says “big time”

@Australianimal

At a job interview: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" "in a mirror, just like I do today, duhhhh" "you're hired, here's $192,000"

@MattGoldich

Hey cool guy, don't audibly say "Wow" when you see a hot girl. You'll freak her out. Just make eye contact with her and mouth "Wow".

@0ddFellow

"Oh snap, the old Free Credit Report .Com band is dissing the new band... shit's about to get cray" - King Of All Ass Hats

@broseichas

No i do not wanna funnel a mountain dew

@3x1minus1

Piers Morgan is interviewing Jeff Foxwothy about a bible game show. America, wtf are we even doing anymore?

@TheKidJeremy

Working with Spike Jones on my new documentary where I try to meet Neve Campbell & Denise Richards called Where the Wild Things Are.

@ThatDJGallo
As always, I will vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to do the time change thingy were it's light later in the day all year.

@annielederman

At the Zoo instead of the gym. Pretty much the same. I'm sweaty, thirsty &considering letting one of these hairy animals rip off my spandex.

 

What in the fuck are we doing here?

A conversation between me and my cat Mojames (Cat's perspective)

Me: Mo Mo!
Mojames: Yes, that is my name what uh whats up?
Me: Shmosh
Mojames: Yes we've established that my name is indeed a variation of mojames.
Me: What u doin?
Mojames: Uh kinda just walking around here as I do every day because you've basically made leaving verboten, and like I don't have a lot of job opportunities what with being locked in this house since forever so I'm kinda dependent on you people for sustenance. Fuckin sucks man.
Me: you're so damn cute!
Mojames: Thanks I appreciate the compliment I guess but I honestly have no concept of attractiveness, have you seen other cats? we all look exactly the same.  I'll honestly fuck anything at this point, and that includes your pillow.
Me: You're the best cat ever Mo!
Mojames: Really? I mean hooray I guess but what did I do? Be cute? Jesus you're fucking shallow, is nothing important other than my looks.
Me: Why are you so awesome?
Mojames: *Sigh* I...gotta get goin. can you please open your bedroom door so I can just leave without a fight.
*I pick him up and hug him*
Mojames: damnit, alright yay cool ya love me please just let me go!
*I set him down and let him out the door*
Mojames: I'll see ya in 5 minutes...

A lot of people on Twitter are remarkably dumb

If you don't know much about Twitter, it's a place people like myself go to say a few things that are on our minds at the moment.  It's like an orgy of thoughts, people saying whatever comes to their mind, and this can be really cool, but it can also be really bad.  One of the really bad parts about twitter is some people's constant need to say every god damn thing that happens to them as if their Twitter feed is some sort of low rent uninteresting reality show.  Some people are startlingly unaware of the fact that nobody cares that they hate their job, what music they're listening to, or where they're eating (Seriously I never knew how many narcissists existed before social networking, the number is staggering).  Listen, I'm sure I've said a lot of unfunny shit on Twitter, Facebook, etc, but I am trying to amuse people with every tweet.  It's like an open mic, some of it is received by crickets, other times I'll get a RT or 2 and feel really good.  Here's an example of a tweet that is so retarded, the Special Olympics called they want their IQ back...@Got_StupidJuice #Thosethreewords GImmie Dem Draws.  I'm just glad George Carlin wasn't around to see the complete and utter bastardization of the english language.  Just because there's 140 characters doesn't mean you have to be a complete and utter failure as a human being on display for the world to see.  Hopefully some people read this and learn, but more likely nobody will read and nobody will learn because that's the American way!

Good Luck Humanity

Video of the Day

Embarrassing song I listen to way too often

Judge me all you'd like, I enjoy it.