Saturday, September 29, 2012

Online dating tips from a seasoned veteran

*Before you read this, know that this isn't a guide to getting laid off internet dating, that shit is retardedly easy. There are stupid girls and guys all around us, find them, fuck them, do whatever you want with them, just stay the hell away from me with your STDs and mind numbing conversation topics that range from Jager Bombs to Jersey Shore.*

Okay so you want a relationship and you came to the internet to find such a thing eh? Well I can't say that it's the best idea you've ever had but treasure can be found in a trash heap every once in awhile. But you have to be smart, you have to put in effort, and you have to be willing to deal with a possibly very long trial and error period. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that the percentage of people finding a long lasting relationship on the first try on the internet is less than 1%. If it happens, well fuck me then I guess you should be the one writing this not me. But chances are you will step on a few land mines on your way to capturing the flag, and I'm here to help you navigate the mine fields as safely as possible.

1. Be yourself! - This one seems easy but it is one of the biggest obstacles of the internet dating world oddly enough. When you're having a tough time finding that perfect person, inevitably you start to try to expand your search, including people you never considered, and when that happens you start to adjust your strategy. Don't do that! If you smoke weed, be open about that shit. If you like to get down with World of Warcraft, don't try to impress the chick looking for a big country boy. That chick is retarded anyway, avoid her at all costs (Unless you are said big idiot country boy, yes I generalize, because I can and it's true most of the time and I'm an asshole). The best way to start a pointless relationship is pretending you're something you're not, so be the dorky pothead you know you are.

2.  Avoid the damaged goods aisle - Listen, if they seem a little fucked in the head on their profile, they're most likely bat shit crazy in person.  Most of these people include things like "Not looking for liars, cheaters, or assholes" or "I've been burned so many times before and just want a guy to treat me right" or "All guys are assholes and I hate them and my dad never loved me and you need to fix me PLEASE FUCKING FIX ME!" Okay I made the last one up for effect but you know what I mean. Seriously you need to make a note to possible suitors that you don't want a total piece of shit? That is an open invitation to the exact scumbag you're looking to avoid.

3. Don't take this shit seriously - It's just dating, remember that. You don't need to  say things like "Looking for my soul mate" Or "Looking for a serious relationship only", in fact, never ever do either of those things. Relationships take time to develop, there shouldn't be anything serious discussed on a first date. You know who wants a serious relationship immediately? Crazy people. Trust me, I've dated them, they're best left for each other. Don't mention anything about a relationship for at least a month of dating, and if they mention it in the first week, fuck* that noise and run for your fucking life. *Don't actually fuck that noise.

4. Don't be cliche - "Hey, how are you" <-----Are you kidding me with this bullshit introduction? Do you know how fucking boring you sound when you say "Hi, what's up?" You might as well say "Hey I've got nothing to say when I have time to craft an actual introduction, so talking to me in person will be as reading a coloring book." Also avoid making comments about their appearance right off the bat. They know they have pretty eyes, they've heard it a million times from a bunch of unoriginal douche bags with nothing else to say who think they're being flirty when in reality they're being embarrassingly shallow and illustrating how they didn't bother to read a sentence of their profile. Always mention something in their profile, always!

5. Get to the in person part ASAP - Online conversations are boring and who wants to get to know someone in the most impersonal way ever? My suggestion is establish that you're not a creep(Probably the hardest part, well for me anyway), set up a date in a place you can talk without distraction, and from there you are home free. Try not to meet at a bar if you don't have to, you don't need them to see you drunk...yet. Also if the person is real sketched out by meeting you so soon, just forget them. Obviously they are insanely cautious and have to have perfect circumstances where they know everything about you before they meet you, which is bizarre and a big red flag. If I wanted an Internet relationship, I'd go back in time and go in AOL chat rooms all day and night.

6. Don't be a little bitch - Did someone you thought was cool and cute and just for you not respond to your funny little line? Get over it! Sorry you're not the Adonis you tell yourself you are every day to every person on the planet. Internet dating is not for the weak minded. You can and will get rejected A LOT.  That girl you just messaged? She probably is sifting through over 30 dudes' messages, so like I said in #4, be as original as possible, but even when that is the case, sometimes a chick ain't attracted to you! It happens, and once you learn to deal with rejection and stop with sarcastic comments attempting to guilt a person into a date (Which to my knowledge has worked exactly 0 times ever) you will be able to navigate this world. Oh yeah, and remember you will be doing your share of rejecting to, you shallow asshole!

7. Keep it over 21 if you're over 21 - Dating younger is just not a good idea. And when I say younger, I mean the under 21 crowd. I know they can be more mature than their age, but just trust me on this. Do you remember yourself before 21? Exactly. Your friends go out to bars, do you really want someone pulling out their Maryland fake ID at the door while they're with you? Just saying, maturity isn't all about age, but the under 21 factory features the highest level of danger. But hey, if you like playing with fire, be my guest. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

8. Desperation stinks - This is more a tip in general, but on your profile don't mention anything about wanting a relationship "real bad" or how you miss being in a relationship. Play it cool. Like I said, it's not that serious of stuff folks. Your profile is your way of selling yourself. Think of it as a dating resume of sorts. Talk about your interests, throw a few jokes in there (My favorite was answering the question "What do you do on a typical Friday night?" To which I responded "Selling meth to the kids." hardee har har) and be nonchalant about the whole thing. Oh and stop with the "I can't believe I'm on a dating site!" or "I don't know what to expect here but I'll give it a try!" Listen, you suck at dating in real life and/or you're just super lazy, it's okay. Just stop acting like you're somehow above it and are just here because a friend suggested it. Everyone on the site is on an equal playing field, so you don't have to mention why you're here. We already know.

9. Finally, comb those profiles for red flags - For me, "has kids" is the biggest flag, but that's usually pretty easy to detect as it is usually the only thing the person talks about. Most of the time you need to dig deeper to find the crazy pills.  I mentioned before the stuff about "I don't want cheaters, liars, or assholes" You can go ahead and skip those people. "Don't want anything serious" is code for just wants to fuck, which is good if that's what you want but don't go barking up this tree for a relationship.  Anything about Twilight or Jeff Dunham or other retarded things, pass on those. If you don't like dancing, don't go out with a dancer.  Another big red flag is mentioning they want someone attractive. Seriously? Fuck you bitch.  We all want someone attractive, and the day someone gets to a page, sees that statement, and thinks "well I'm an ugly fuck so never mind" is the day that will never happen ever. Don't ever state the obvious because it makes you sound pretentious and real stupid. Unless you want to be thought an asshole or bitch, then by all means state exactly the person you want in great detail like a shithead.

Well I hope this helps you navigate the world of online dating a little better. It isn't easy, but dating wasn't easy to begin with. Dating is awful, and I really don't recommend it. My suggestion is you skip it entirely, but you're a renegade, and I respect your willingness to subject yourself to such a treacherous world for the sake of dipping your P in a V or vice versa. Be strong, and maybe just maybe, you will find someone who will put up with your annoying ass:)

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Twitter stuff 8/29-9/4

I was lazy this week (If not being on twitter hours a day is considered "lazy") so only 7 favorites this week.

Don't forget to say "Yeah, my wife!" if someone asks you if you've got a dishwasher at home. Guaranteed laughs all round.

@ShelbyFero Get drunk and pretend to have fun." -parties

If anybody asks, I'm super excited to be at work right now and NOT going from office to office peeing a little bit on everybody's chair.

Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh..SPLATMAN. - thats my new superhero im working on. He fights crime by shooting lethal loads on villians.

At the Zoo instead of the gym. Pretty much the same. I'm sweaty, thirsty &considering letting one of these hairy animals rip off my spandex.

As always, I will vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to do the time change thingy were it's light later in the day all year.

@NataleeDara I don't see what all the fuss is about, I fold fitted sheets the same way I fold regular sheets: I don't

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Best of Twitter 8/22-8/28

Another installment of Best Tweets of the week! No rankings this week, but this is a top 10, so everyone else gets a honorable mention if they tweeted something decent or got a favorite out of yours truly, and if you sucked all week well what can I say? Delete your account I guess.

A kid at this Welcome Week concert just said "on the outside I'm young but on the inside I'm old." On the outside I'm saying "fuck you."

Probably a bad sign if you ask your doctor if you have cancer and he says “big time”

At a job interview: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" "in a mirror, just like I do today, duhhhh" "you're hired, here's $192,000"

Hey cool guy, don't audibly say "Wow" when you see a hot girl. You'll freak her out. Just make eye contact with her and mouth "Wow".

"Oh snap, the old Free Credit Report .Com band is dissing the new band... shit's about to get cray" - King Of All Ass Hats

No i do not wanna funnel a mountain dew

Piers Morgan is interviewing Jeff Foxwothy about a bible game show. America, wtf are we even doing anymore?

Working with Spike Jones on my new documentary where I try to meet Neve Campbell & Denise Richards called Where the Wild Things Are.

As always, I will vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to do the time change thingy were it's light later in the day all year.

At the Zoo instead of the gym. Pretty much the same. I'm sweaty, thirsty &considering letting one of these hairy animals rip off my spandex.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Best of Twitter 8/15-8/21

Very funny week in Twitterverse (That's a thing, trust me) Here's my top 10 (Yes I'm ranking them now, what would praise be without creating insecurity in folks? Exactly) Enjoy!

1. @_DanFisher Todd Akin: "It's clear that I misspoke, what I meant to say was, it's not rape cause a man has needs, and women are here to please us y'all"

2. @0ddfellow If you and your spouse have a joint Facebook account named JoeandMegan Smitherson then i'm sorry but you can't use the Internet anymore.

3. @vaguelyfunnydan A fun prank is to put dog shit in a paper bag then set someone's home on fire.

4. @ChaseMit Dead people can't hear you saying "Rest In Peace" so remind them frequently while they're still here.

5. @MaronzioVance Crimson Tide, Enemy Of The State, Beverly Hills Cop 2, and True Romance. My favorite Tony Scott films. I have no favorite Tyler Perry films

6. @beck_cellent It doesnt matter how broke i am...dropping my metrocard into garbage water is a deal breaker. Enjoy that singleride homelesspersonwhotweets

7. @JamesAshbery I'm very proud of myself for not watching TV in three weeks. Also, please send money so I can turn my electric back on.

8. @JeffPorper Augusta is proud to admit first two women today. Expects club house to be spotless by sundown.

9. @3x1minus1 Why does the band Train even exist?

10. @PAYNENDASSCMDY All the jobs I ever received where from recommendation from my white friends. All the bj's I received where because of bad white parents.

So there's this week's best, it will be seen by literally over 10 people! Talk about exposure right?!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

My Adam Sandler Theory (It's indisputable)

My sister and I were discussing the relative merits to Adam Sandler's movies while watching Mr. Deeds (Granted not his best work, but still funny) when I had a realization. He became what he was supposed to be fighting. 

Bear with me* I have a point. Also if you didn't enjoy Billy Madison and/or Happy Gilmore, you have my permission to leave now.  Okay those who stuck around, You understand why those movies were so great? Let me describe Sandler's characters for you.

Billy Madison - A complete loser and idiot. Is wealthy but only because he lives off his dad's riches. Gets wasted all the time, before going back to 1st grade to get his dad's company. Learns lessons, beats hot shot executive, wins girl, comes out on top. Underdog overcomes odds.

Happy Gilmore - Loser dumped by girlfriend for being a failed hockey player. Realizes he has insane golfing ability. Beats hot shot golfer and wins girl. Underdog overcomes odds.

What is the common theme between them? Adam Sandler starts out as a failure of life, no girlfriend, no future, no purpose. Then through a series of absurd events, he comes out the victor in the end.

Agreed there is a theme there? Now let's lightly analyze his characters in Grown Ups & You don't mess with the Zohan. Those movies were by all accounts, disasters. I've watched both and came away regretting every second I spent watching these two abominations. Now here is a brief description of these two Sandler characters.

Grown Ups - Rich, successful, smoking hot wife played by Salma Hayek. Friends in the movie all have inferior positions in life. No underdog story here.

You don't mess with the Zohan - He plays a Israeli Special Forces Soldier. He is fawned over by all women, and sleeps with a multitude of women. Underdog? No. Loser? No.

So as you can see, it's obvious that Sandler as a cool guy is not cool with us. We want the loser. Whatever, I just hope I'm not the only one confused by Bobby Boucher as a rich guy married to Kate Beckinsale.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Best of Twitter 8/8-8/14

Twitter is the bane of my existence, but sometimes, people on there are very funny and I think they deserve their due props. Will I mention myself? I'm narcissistic enough to have a blog, so the answer is of course yes. Well enough of this bullshit explanation, let's get to the tweets!

Using a quote to describe yourself is a fun way to say "unoriginal."

Romney at announcement wearing tie, no blazer. Ryan in blazer, no tie. HOLD ON TIGHT, AMERICA! [SFX: guitar shred]

I'd ask to see Paul Ryan's birth certificate but he looks like he was born during a fireworks show on the 4th in the bed of a Ford truck.

I'm trying to be more compassionate, but I'm finding it difficult since some of the people I know exist.

my therapist won't return my calls. Maybe I should stop referring to girls I meet at bars as my therapist.

Can anyone recommend a good podcast that has five dudes talking on top of each other for 40 minutes too long?

Katy Perry's lyrics are like one long shitty facebook status.

TLC must really hate Zach Braff

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Stop hating on shitty kids already!

What an outrage! Kids teasing a heavy set older woman, what monsters! What is wrong with those kids, and where are their parents?! They should be suspended, beaten, kicked off the bus, and excommunicated from the country!

Just a few things said during today's uproar over "Busgate".  So what is the issue at hand here really? Are kids really shittier than they were 10 years ago? I doubt it. I remember middle school, not great times for me whatsoever.  I was picked on for my voice, for my glasses, for dressing like a dork, and for being quiet (Funny how when I talked I was made fun of, and if I didn't I was STILL picked on). I dealt with it, hated the people that did it to me, and went on with my life.

Oh yeah, and along the way, I did my share of picking on others too, because, I was a shit kid too when it comes down to it. We all were. If there was someone below you on the social totem pole, guess what, they were your punching bag.

And yes, this extended beyond the confines of students. Lunch monitors got it on a daily basis. They were almost always older, obviously just working a part time job to supplement their Social Security to make ends meat. I know this now. But then? They were old losers who had nothing better to do than yell at me for talking too loud in study hall. I was quiet as I said, but I had friends that were bold enough to tell them these awful things to their face. It wasn't right, but did I laugh? Yes. Because I was a dumbass kid, and insulting teachers and any adult really was the height of hilarity.

Did those people deserve to have insults hurled at them from kids? Absolutely not. Did they expect restitution for what they endured while working? I'd assume not. They handled it professionally, and I truly do feel that kids cross the line a lot, but like I said, they're dumb, they're extraordinarily insecure in many cases, and most of all they're trying to impress their friends, which is the ultimate goal of anyone under the age of 17.

So put down your torches for a second and stop and think about the fact that you're ostracizing a bunch of kids for being shitty, when you know damn well you did plenty of things you probably regret to this day.  I feel bad for the woman, but I've heard they've raised over 50K for her so far so I'm pretty sure she'll be just fine.

P.S. If anybody wants to come make me cry and record it and put it on YouTube so I can get a bunch of charitable donations, just let me know the time and the place and I will be ready to make that money!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Lying is easier than you think

I was watching one of those crime shows about some wife who allegedly killed her husband, and I was feeling bad for the woman because she seemed so sincere with her innocent pleas, crying and looking like a woman who could not comprehend what was happening to her. It didn't make sense that this woman, seeming so innocent, could be capable of murder.

But then I started thinking, what if I was accused of murder, and it was true and I was guilty and I knew it. Faced with a life sentence in prison or execution most likely or at the very least a solid decade of prison life, I'm pretty sure I could muster up some pretty awesome acting skills to keep my ass safe from daily unwanted advances.

I'm a bad liar and I know it. But that's only because I'm sloppy with my lies for the most part. Being found out isn't much of a concern in most cases, since they're usually little lies mostly involving being too "tired".  But sometimes I'm a really good liar, which usually backfires since lying typically doesn't help situations but rather exacerbates the problems. Trust me (haha) I built a relationship on mountains of lies the size of Kilimanjaro.

I try to be honest in most situations, and when I do lie, it's either because I think the other person will be mad at me or disappointed in me if the truth slips out of my mouth or because I don't care about the person I'm lying to in the least. Not proud of the latter but it does happen, but you'd know damn well if I didn't care about you, and if those people don't, enjoy blissful unawareness.

But anyways, back to the point about liars on trial in a court of law(Are there other courts by the way? I'm going to start referring to basketball courts as a court of basketball).  My overall point is anyone can be lying, no matter how convincing, which is why evidence is so necessary. So the next time you see a crying woman looking so bewildered at the idea she would've killed her husband, remember the alternative to lying is living in a 8x10 cell for the rest of her life.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Social media & Me (A bizarre match)

Favstar. Instagram. Foursquare. Tweets that literally comprise of "What's up Twitter?". Asking for more followers because you're close to a certain number.

What the hell are we doing guys? Is this what society has come to these days? I'm just trying to understand, even in myself, why we seek validation from a group of mostly anonymous strangers we'll never meet. Why do we care where these people are? Why am I looking at a picture of sunsets all the time? I have questions, and I need answers to them.

Recently a really funny guy I only knew through Twitter, committed as us Tweeters call it, "Twittercide". (By the way, anything you do on Twitter, you change the word you use to put Twitter or "Tw" in front of said word, I know, this is what I'm talking about). He did it because it was building resentment within him, and I think that's a common theme with people who aren't completely consumed with themselves. I think everything I listed just speaks to the unnecessary "advances" in society.

Now I'm not saying everyone who uses those applications are self centered idiots(I have a Favstar, Foursquare, Twitter, Facebook, not Instagram, but that's mostly due to the fact I don't have a Smartphone), that's not the point I'm trying to make at all, if I even have a point. I'm just saying, there are people on Twitter who are "famous" for their Twitter accounts!What is this insanity?! Did these people set out to achieve ultimate Twitter fame? I'm not one to critique the goals of others, since I haven't achieved much myself, but you can cross of Twitter fame as a ultimate goal of mine.

Anyways, I've got 283 followers as of today. I'm not sure what that means. I assume some of them are somewhat entertained by my tweets sometimes. But for the most part you will find out on Twitter, the only reason people follow other people who aren't famous, is to be followed back. It's basically our way of saying "I'll only pretend to care about what you're saying if you promise to pretend to care about what I'm saying". I'll admit it, I unfollow people who aren't following me all the time for that reason.

So the final question, why do I do I occupy my time with all these things I clearly consider trivial at best? The easy answer is I am in fact self centered and consumed with people thinking I'm interesting and funny and giving me the attention I desperately seek in the real world. Which is probably true for the most part. Having a lot of time on my hands also plays a major factor. So yeah, that's probably it. Question, answered!

Anyways, follow me, like me, stalk me, send me lockets of your hair, whatever, just remember, if you don't care about other people, they don't care about you, and that's the only real takeaway I have from social media. The end.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Being impractical but retaining value

I recently came to the realization that in my current situation (Unemployed and living with parents) I am almost completely useless to the world at large. I am contributing nothing to the economy other than my consistent alcohol consumption and the regular visits to fast food chains as well, which are hardly positives in my mind.  No I really have made no effort to contribute to society in any way shape or form of late. Also, even when I do eventually rejoin the workforce, I have no interest in doing a job well or climbing the proverbial corporate ladder.  Long story short, nothing really matters to me beyond some close personal relationships, which is what helps me retain value on this place we call earth.

I spend most of my days wasting time on the Internet to be perfectly honest. When I'm not, I'm usually texting, which is part of where my value as a person comes into play.  I consider myself to be a generally cool dude, not bragging I just get the sense that most of my friends enjoy having conversations with me, and vice-verse. People just want to be heard, they want to divulge information to others, and they want the people they care about to be engaged into their life and comment on it.  That's pretty much my specialty.

The biggest thing I like to provide to those I care about is blunt honesty. I don't have time for bullshit, so why should it be present in my closest relationships? It shouldn't, and if you're currently lying to your friends, you don't have a relationship with them.  I'm not saying go and hurt your friends feelings that's stupid, but when someone asks you for relationship advice, life advice, or a what would you do scenario, just be honest. Friends will appreciate it, people that don't probably weren't your friend to begin with.

So I guess my point is we all have some value in society, sometimes it's just not obvious. If you have even one friend who cares about you and needs you around, then you have value. The key is to strive for more, and in my case to strive for practical value.  But procrastination is a bitch, so for now, here I remain, blogging.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Writers block or general malaise?

So I'm a lazy fuck and I know it.  I willingly choose to not better myself nearly every day that I continue to exist, and for that I feel pretty guilty.  After becoming unemployed recently, it has become blatantly obvious that I use most of my free time to watch internet videos, watch netflix, watch tv, drink beer, talk to women, get ignored by women, get told to "stop staring at me" by women.  Anyways, you get the picture, I'm wasting inordinate amounts of time on trivial crap and it is wearing me out.

Tomorrow is March 19th, 2012, but it is also the day I make a full fledged attempt at contributing to society in some way that doesn't involve leaving a comment on someone elses facebook status.  I mean I'm in the 99.4 percentile of ESPN trivia for gods sake! At the current moment apparently 2883 people have less of a life than me, but that number is dwindling every day! Change isn't an option anymore, I've gotten fat now too. I'm officially fat and lazy, which disgusts me to no end. 

So no more of this I say. I'm introducing a little thing I like to call 'structure' to my life. Anyways this is a really boring blog entry and for that I apologize. Call it a public note to self.  Don't worry, this will be part of my structure, to write attempts at funny blog entries every night.

Friday, February 24, 2012

The incomparable whatever

I'm tired of the use of the word "incomparable". It's nearly always used to describe a person, typically a celebrity of some sort, and I've never understood it for a second. To me, everyone is comparable, every single person on the planet, no matter how unique they may be.

Now I'm not totally unaware of expressions. People often speak in hyperbole to magnify the relative importance of a person. But incomparable? The definition of incomparable is a subject for which comparison is impossible.

So...when is it impossible to compare a celebrity to another person? We all have similar qualities in some respect. Nobody is totally different from someone else, just like nobody is exactly the same as someone else. Which is why I say we can compare anyone to anyone.

Is Hitler incomparable? I'd compare other genocidal lunatics with him probably. Now, is his genocide of the Jewish people incomparable? Possibly since I can't think of anyone else who tried such a venture. But in general, killing people is typically comparable.

Is Michael Jordan incomparable? Not at all. But that's sports, and if you play the same sport as someone else, you can be compared to them. I could compare my basketball abilities to Jordan's, and while my abilities are dwarfed (And would be even if I stayed 24 forever and played against a 75 yr old Jordan).

So all I'm saying is everyone is essentially comparable. Even the greatest comic to ever live, George Carlin, is comparable. But I wouldn't recommend comparing yourself to him since it may result in a feeling of crippling ineptitude.

So the next time I talk about a person that is greater than everyone else, I will say "The preposterously talented Louis CK!" Go ahead and use that at your leisure.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Work Bloggin!

Small talk needs to fucking die.  It has no place in our lives.  I'm not even referring to "how was your day?" or "What's up?" because those are just conversation starters and I'd be quite the asshole, well a bigger asshole if I had a problem with those cursory statements.  I'm talking about "how was work?", comments on the weather we all are well aware of as fellow living things, and just things we generally don't care about, like people I don't know and don't care about, mostly celebrities and your family.

I love my family. Love them. But do I talk about what my sister is going to school for ever? Absolutely never.  Is that because I have no clue what she goes to school for? Noooo. That fact is irrelevant. She goes for something, I'm pretty sure. If you're reading this Adrianna, let me know sometime, love you! Anyways, wasn't that last sentence the most boring thing you've ever read? Precisely my point.

So don't tell me about your daughter's ballet recital.  Unless she's single, attractive (to me) and over 18.

Don't show me pictures of your baby, all babies look the same to me, actually most people under the age of 17 look the same to me, so forget them too.

Your dog is boring.  I have a cat I love. Wanna hear about him? google the word cat, that should sum it up.

Your work is boring, if you hear me talk about mattresses for more than 10 consecutive seconds you have permission to slap me across the face.

Don't talk to me about sports that aren't on ESPN or are soccer. That's a personal one, just an FYI.

And if this offends you in any way, good news, you don't have to talk to me! We both win! Well mostly me but whatever!  Good luck and take my advice and be interesting, people will love you or hate you, and that's better than getting stuck in shit conversations with people you hate right?

Monday, January 30, 2012

The curious thoughts of a sociopath

Last night I watched Young Adult, a movie about a sexy, interesting, albeit sociopathic woman (Charlize Theron, whose looks make her unmitigated lunacy tolerable) who for reasons only she understands, thinks it is a foregone conclusion that she will be with her old high school flame, even though this is over fifteen years later and he has a kid and wife. Patton Oswalt's character attempts to help her see the folly of her plan, but she can't even comprehend the idea that it won't work.  Such is the way of all the sociopaths we know right?

So what is it that is missing from sociopaths brain that makes them this way?  From what I've experienced with people I suspect of having this mental illness, I don't think it is a total lack of emotional attachment.  In fact these people seem to become so fixated on certain people that their emotions are directly related to how those people view them.  Their biggest fear is that those people who validate their misguided point of view, in most cases out of fear of hurting the sociopaths feelings, will leave them behind in life.

My thinking is most sociopaths are extremely depressed, but are completely unaware of that fact.  Their relationships are all hollow and have no real meaning because simply put, people don't trust them, and why would we? These are people that will take every advantage of us and not feel an ounce of guilt about doing so.  Their concern for our well being is shallow and selfish, since the only reason they have us as a friend is to validate their warped view of reality like I said earlier. 

Yet typically we all have a friend or two like this, and it's not because we need them, not even close.  Our lives would be better off, sometimes dramatically better, as this is always a one way relationship which benefits only the sociopath. So why do we allow these people into our lives and have such a difficult time separating from them? Because we're not sociopaths. Because we care about the well being of people, and because of that fact we think it our duty to help these people in whatever way we can.  But the harsh reality is we can't do anything.

So in the end of the movie (Spoiler alert), and as is the case with sociopaths, Therons character is completely depressed about her life, and in comes the concerned friend who tells her that all of her life is totally perfect and she doesn't need to change, and that is all she needs to hear. 

Because for sociopaths, being right is all that matters, and it's not them that needs to change, it's everyone else.  So if a sociopath is reading this, you're perfect! Disregard everything I just wrote and continue on with your awesome life!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Questions that need answers

Has anyone ever gotten past 3 games of bowling? I swear 1 frame into the 3rd game me and everyone I'm with have mentally checked out on any attempt at achieving a solid score.  Unless you're 12 and the only thing you're focused on is throwing 2 balls through your buddy's legs and hitting the pin clearing machine (I assume that's what it's called).

Has anyone told Meatloaf about divorce? You really have no obligation to love her til the end of time Mr. Loaf.

I assume that when we think nobody is watching, we all get really weird. Is that a correct assumption?

Why is jokingly saying I hope a person gets AIDS far less offensive than I hope a person gets cancer? Because you're homophobic that's why.

Why doesn't life ever give us limes? Apparently the lucky bastard who invented Sprite got both.

1 K is fine. 2 Ks is acceptable. 3 Ks is wildly offensive.

Do people with speech impediments avoid any word ending with 'igger' to avoid being mistakenly thought a racist? Talking about a certain Winnie the Pooh character would concern me greatly.

Why do people tell me I'm not eating right? I put the food in my mouth, chew it, swallow it. Is there more to it that I'm missing?

How come the only time wind is considered "tricky" is during football games? Tricky hurricane force winds would be extra terrifying to me.

I think it's great that we live in a tolerant world in which bygones can be left to be bygones without persecution.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Real Steel: A review (it's not good)

So I was driving yesterday and got a wild hair up my ass to go see a movie at the lovely dollar theatre (it was Tuesday so it was literally $1!) and my goal was to see a movie I would never watch with another person at any point ever.

Mission accomplished.

Real Steel with Hugh Jackman, a movie that is literally about robot boxing.  I'm not kidding they talked about it like the entire duration of the movie, it was insane. Anyways this movie follows every lame plot line for every movie ever made pretty much.  Hugh Jackman plays a deadbeat dad, a deadbeat former boxer, a deadbeat gambler, basically every piece of shit quality a person can have, he has.  But he looks like Hugh Jackman so you pretty much know how this ends. He's got the false confidence that every degenerate gambler has, and he brings his dumb robots to fight and inevitably they lose to a bull (not kidding) or another better robot fighter.  According to Jackmans character, robot boxing is the logical next progression after UFC, which makes sense if you've taken way too many blows to the head in your life.

So I'll just sum up all that happens in one long run on sentence, he gets his kid, doesn't care about him, then the kid slides like 30 stories down a cliff like it's a water slide, suffers no injuries of course because that happens, and is saved by his underwear catching on a robot arm. I cannot make this shit up, and that's apparently why I can't write movies. So blah blah he ends up wanting the kid, they dig out the shit robot that he caught on before plummeting to his death(Actually he probably would bounce of the ground I assume, kids movie right?) and the robot wins all his fights inexplicably, and I assume* he beats the big bad Zeus robot who is of course controlled by a wunderkind Asian dude with no emotions.

Seriously did the people who made this shit just watch all the Rocky movies in sequence and decide to replace Stallone with a robot?(Actually that doesn't sound that implausible, I'm sure a robot has as much range as Stallone).  The middle of this movie is the height of unintentional comedy but other than that, there is absolutely no reason to ever subject yourself to this excruciatingly stupid movie.  Oh and no robot on human violence?! Come on! Oh and one more thing, after the second fight Jackmans bot loses, his son asks him "do you even think before you do things?" and I honestly can't tell if he's talking to Jackman, the people who made this movie, or me for being in the theatre watching. The answer is no on all counts.

*I assume because I left the movie before the big showdown between shit bot and big bad emotionless Asian guy bot, because I finally had better things to do!

Monday, January 16, 2012

The woman alone at the bar and the asshole who made it happen

So I was at a bar the other night and I noticed a woman in her mid 40s (I guess, I was not sober so who knows) and she was alone at the bar.  Now she arrived at the bar around the same time me and my group of friends did, and whatever, she's waiting on her friends or a guy, I'm gonna drink and play poorly at darts, which, sidebar for a second, I suck at darts.  And I'm totally fine with playing darts and being shitty doing so, but it always seems like people get mad at me when I suck, even after telling me "oh it doesn't matter just play!". Inevitably I don't take it seriously, because it's fucking darts, and my teammate will always get frustrated! I just told you I sucked, and you completely disregarded that statement and handed me darts anyways. So you sir, are the asshole, not me. 

Anyways back to the lonely milf at the bar (milf is more appropriate than cougar here since this was not really a cougar bar perse, and she was attractive enough that I would indeed sleep with her, thus the milf moniker).  So as were playing a shitty game of darts, I start to notice, nobody is showing up to hang with this lady.  I start thinking of why she's by herself...did she come here to watch football? Seems far fetched that a woman her age would be dressed nicely to go to a bar by herself to watch Tebow get massacred by the Patriots.  Was she meeting friends? Not likely since she's been here an hour, and she doesn't strike me as an alcoholic. 

No no, this girl is has stood up written all over her. So as I'm contemplating asking this woman what the deal is, because really she'd become a human interest for me at that point, I start thinking about this asshole (who still really may or may not exist, I never gathered the balls to talk to her because I wasn't quite drunk enough) and why he would do this to a seemingly nice person.  Now here's where I infer my own story, because all of this is predicated on the fact that she was indeed ditched by some douche bag.

What kind of piece of shit motherfucking asshole/bitch bails on a another person with no explanation, call, text, facebook message, etc.?  We live in an age of technology people, if someone doesn't respond to your text within 24 hours (That's being really liberal, usually more like 4 hours if not during work hours) that means that person probably hates you or has no interest in ever hanging out with you. Or they're a drug addict. Or they lost their phone. Definitely one of those. 

But seriously why wouldn't you make up some bullshit excuse at least? That's a person you're ditching, they have feelings, let them know, don't let them drink alone at a fucking bar by themselves watching the shittiest playoff game of all time (slight exaggeration).  If you ditch a person on a date, I don't care if you met them online and have never actually met them, without some sort of forewarning, you are a gigantic piece of shit and I hate you.  Good luck with the whole not having a conscience thing and I hope someday you get excited to hang out with someone and they do the same god damn thing to you.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

A conversation between me and my cat Mojames (Cat's perspective)

Me: Mo Mo!
Mojames: Yes, that is my name what uh whats up?
Me: Shmosh
Mojames: Yes we've established that my name is indeed a variation of mojames.
Me: What u doin?
Mojames: Uh kinda just walking around here as I do every day because you've basically made leaving verboten, and like I don't have a lot of job opportunities what with being locked in this house since forever so I'm kinda dependent on you people for sustenance. Fuckin sucks man.
Me: you're so damn cute!
Mojames: Thanks I appreciate the compliment I guess but I honestly have no concept of attractiveness, have you seen other cats? we all look exactly the same.  I'll honestly fuck anything at this point, and that includes your pillow.
Me: You're the best cat ever Mo!
Mojames: Really? I mean hooray I guess but what did I do? Be cute? Jesus you're fucking shallow, is nothing important other than my looks.
Me: Why are you so awesome?
Mojames: *Sigh* I...gotta get goin. can you please open your bedroom door so I can just leave without a fight.
*I pick him up and hug him*
Mojames: damnit, alright yay cool ya love me please just let me go!
*I set him down and let him out the door*
Mojames: I'll see ya in 5 minutes...

Monday, January 9, 2012

Hating the people on the TV box

The other day my cousin said he hated Kim Kardashian.  Now on the surface this seems like a perfectly logical statement about a preening, famous because her dad and her ridiculous hindquarters(ASS) and sex tapes with C list musicians, super slutbot with the personality of drywall, but dig deeper and realize hating this insignificant silicone moron is quite pointless and not worth any of our time.  I don't have enough time in my day to exercise hate towards a person I've a) never met and b) has zero effect on my day to day life.

We say it all the time, "hate is a strong word". Not as strong as violence, but still a fairly strong word in our vast dictionary of muscle bound words.  It's a strong emotion to feel hate towards someone, but hate can be both rational and irrational.  You can hate a general class of people or race, the latter making you a racist of course, the former for example would be hating the general clientele of Lady Jane's.  Neither can be considered really rational since like I said about the Kardashian bitch, you really don't know those people.  You know what they're about in general and you can stereotype of course, but that's pretty ignorant wouldn't you say?

Now the fun part, rational hate! I hate small talk! I hate going to JD Oxfords! I hate the options I have to be elected president of our country! I hate stupid motherfuckers! Ahhhhh that feels so good! See what I'm doing here? I have a passionate emotional feeling of negativity towards things I have first hand experienced and decided that those things inspire anger, frustration, and general unhappiness within me when I am subjected to them.  So now think about some things you think you hate (I thought of some things I thought I hated too for example mushrooms(nonpsychadellic!) I don't hate them I just dislike their taste, in other words, mushrooms don't upset me when they're in my food.) and think about if you really hate those things, people, and yes, the people on your television and radio.

Do you hate Ke$ha? Or are you just mad that a no talent super skank has a shit ton of money you will never in your life get to see? I for one, fall into the latter. So fuck that bitch, she doesn't get the hate from me, just grotesque envy of her vast wealth achieved by incomprehensible means.

Now a funny video I hope you don't HATE!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Wine and sandwiches

So for as long as I've been a fan of the NFL, there has always been an uproar for the unveiling of commercials at the Super Bowl.  Companies pay insane amounts of money to throw some shitty 30 second advertisement in the middle of the most hyped sporting event in America.  Notice I don't say world, since nobody outside this country, gives a damn about the NFL.  But back to the commercials, they're not supposed to be "shitty" they're supposed to be the best of the year.  The day after the game all the major media outlets do rankings for the commercials that were supposedly the best.

Now I'd be lying to you if I didn't admit to being excited for the commercials in previous years, what with my Philadelphia Eagles never being there so the game itself meant nothing, but I'm all done folks.  I realized recently that getting excited for advertisements for beer, life insurance, mixed nuts, and Doritos, was definitely one of the more depressing aspects of my life.  Now every so often, there are funny commercials, just like every so often you hear a song on a pop radio station you like, but that doesn't mean your family has to yell "shhhhhh!!" when the game goes to commercial.

Commercials are still advertisements for shit that you don't even need to know about.  We're all American adults, we know about Budweiser, we know about Doritos, and for the love of everything horrible to ever exist, we know about the repugnant, and offensively stupid Godaddy(Which for the record if you ever went to the site to "see more", I'm honestly astonished you read this far so congratulations!).  So that means every advertisement is essentially for kids, and as you just read and can easily deduce, those advertisements were for beer, empty calories, and tits. Gotta love it America, let's go Lions(50-1 odds go put 5 on them like I did)! And in case you didn't like this article, here's a commercial for Doritos!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

God arguments with dad

My dad texts me with some pretty hilarious stuff.  The other night he was in "Jesus Mode" and texting me about proverbs and whatnot, then like minutes later he's telling me how Family Guy Star Wars is the funniest thing ever.  Nice to know me and my dad have similar Friday nights but still if my dad wants to get high and read the bible while simultaneously watching family guy on adult swim I don't think he needs to inform me of that fact. 

This brings me to the next day when he texts me that he loves Jared Allen (football player) because he said "Thank you Jesus" after the game.  Now as old as my dad is getting, he somehow has gone in reverse on cynicism and is really like a puppy.  I think he even believes in Santa, he's happy like all the time.  But my dad gives me this idea like when people say they love Jesus in public that's a way to say we suck and we know it. I called bullshit because maybe that's what he thinks, but he doesn't know what anyone else is thinking when they say it.  He doesn't know Jared Allen thinks that, it's impossible. We can't read minds people. So believe what you believe, but don't praise unknown people.  They're on television, it's pretend.  Will Ferrell is not a cool guy (So I've heard). But god damnit that dude plays a great anchorman.

In summation, Jesus is getting way too much damn credit that's all the fuck I'm saying.

Bringing in some new talent!

In the coming days there will be 3 new people on this blog here with me.  They're all funny, interesting, and I'm betting they have a lot to say. We're not going to be on any set schedule or anything so be ready for a dose of reality at any time. Spread the word about this if you find anything I have to say interesting please!