Monday, March 30, 2015

Leaked script from Furious 7!!!!!

Statham: You don't know me, but you're about to, I'm the Transporter
Diesel: You can't transport, and if you could, I would Pacifier you.
Statham: You're lucky I'm not Crank 2 High Voltage right now
Diesel: (Incoherent screaming)
Statham: I'm gonna transport you and your friends to hell
Diesel: *Clenching fist* I don't have friends just...FAMILY!
Statham: Whoa this is gonna be so Expendables
Stallone: Yo

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Man Achieves Workout Goals to Mention Workout Goals to Friends

Frustrated by a lack of ability to sustain a workout regimen longer than two days, Brett Nicholson finally decided to stick to a workout goal he had set for himself by not working out but mentioning that he wanted to get back in shape to his friends and family whenever possible. "Ya know, I always found it so hard to motivate myself to keep going to the gym because of my anxiety and inherent laziness, but just talking about wanting to get in shape with anyone who will listen is going really well!"

After having tried posting pictures of himself at the gym and his one 5k he runs per year results on Facebook for "motivation," and keeping a log of his half mile runs on Twitter, Brett usually lost interest as he wasn't getting the expected "likes" and "favorites" on his posts. "I just couldn't maintain a strict routine with my own personal complete lack of will power, and without vague acquaintances and my grandma telling me how handsome I look, I really couldn't be expected to continue for the sake of self improvement alone. That's just not a realistic expectation." Friends of Brett expressed their feigned excitement for their friend's new resolution. Said friend Alex "I think it's great he's trying to improve himself by talking about improving himself more. It's a big improvement over when he constantly asks for affirmations of his intelligence and why he's still single."

Since he has started this new workout plan a few weeks ago, Brett has been to the gym just once, and he forgot his running shoes so he went home to catch up on the new season of "Fargo" after recently repurchasing a Netflix subscription. He plans on continuing to talk about his desire to improve his health and likely eating some fruit in the next few days and buying a multivitamin he will forget to take every day.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Vince Over-analyzes Commercials: Haribo Employees are Dumb as Hell

I watched this dumbass commercial and so so much bothers me about it because I am an insane person and also because it's fucking nonsense. Obviously there's a suspension of disbelief necessary for this asinine garbage aimed at stupid kids who like chewy candy that fucks up their teeth but there's no need for the actors to be as dumb as they are made out to be. It appears these little girls are the brains of the Happy Cola candy product they produce and they've figured out a way to produce enough to supply the entire fucking country which I doubt the general populous is a fan of drinking cola out of tiny wax bottles but whatever they did it and that's pretty amazing. Anyway, the one girl rightfully asks for a raise and dude knows he owes them big time for their work, so what does the other girl ask for? ENOUGH FOR A BAG OF THOSE GARBAGE CANDY COLAS. I mean it's bad enough that a bag of those runs about 2.99 at most is besides the point, SHE FUCKING WORKS THERE SHE CAN HAVE ALL THE TOOTH ROTTING SUGAR WAX TREATS SHE WANTS GAAHHHH KIDS ARE SO STUPID CHILD LABOR SHOULD BE OKAY AGAIN.

Friday, July 5, 2013

"White Guys Only!": Another OK Cupid "treasure" SoKM, 24, Rochester, NY

This girl is the epitome of everything wrong with people. We are a staggeringly low 15% match for each other which makes sense since she seems like the worst person on the site and I'm your friend who you love dearly. Let's get to the profile analysis shall we?

Self Summary:

"I'm Catholic and I go to church every Sunday and I love it. I'm looking for someone who is able to not care that I go to church and believe in God. I'm looking for someone who is Catholic and practices or would be willing to go back. Every organization has their flaws but I stick to what it's about and don't get caught up in the things that shouldn't be happening."

Yeah who wants to get caught up in child molestation, am I right? Don't even get me started on birth control, that is just the devil's work! Stick with me folks, this one gets better(way way worse).

" I'm pretty fun and have a good sense of humor. I'm looking for someone that I am physically attracted to, being in shape, takes care of themselves, and is a happy and awesome person. I'm looking for someone that will compliment my life and not make it harder. More specially, I only date white guys, sorry but that's my preference."

Okay physically attractive blah blah WAIT WHAT JUST WHITE GUYS?? Oh and "more specially" white guys, because Jesus made all God's children white and I want my future husband/person who puts me in my place to be a good ole fashioned Aryan man! Holy shit, dude. Let's keep going with this shit show.

What I’m doing with my life
Running my photography business, working towards other things I want to do with myself before I get too old and busy! :)
May I suggest a lobotomy or perhaps playing inside a garbage bag filled with hornets?
The first things people usually notice about me
Not 100% on this because I never care to ask. I've had people tell me my eyes, how petite I am, my smile, my mad face(when I concentrate I look mad apparently). It depends on the person and what they choose to look at first. 
I bet you look mad because concentrating on trying to read is extremely difficult for someone with severe mental retardation.

"I have switched from main stream music to Christian music and I LOVE it. I also listen to Ellie Goulding, One Republic, Ingrid Michaelson, Imagine Dragons.... I listen to relaxing music."
Mainstream music was okay but ya know too many black people and that made me scared.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I eat tubs of butter....

...Haha that would be gross 
Your soul is abhorrent.
You should message me if:
 You're white(if you're not don't email me because you are wasting your own time) and in shape( extra points for big arms) with a good sense of humor :)

It would also help if you believed in God since I'm looking for someone's morals to be aligned with mine or in the same region.

"Extra emphasis on being white! Listen minorities, I have to keep my stupidity pure and can't have any voodoo in my coochie!" As long as you're white and your morals are aligned with the spawn of Satan, she's your dream girl!

If you're on that site feel free to check out her profile and verify I didn't make up this awful, horrible human being: SoKM, 24, Rochester, NY

Thursday, May 23, 2013

More fun with OK Cupid!

I decided it was a bit difficult to totally smash an individuals profile, so rather than take on one profile, I decided to pull my favorite lines from a bunch of profiles. I think the results are funnier, and I hope you share my amusement at the adorable way certain women think. Enjoy

"I like manly men"

You hear that liberal hippie queers?! You better be a lumberjack or this girl ain't interested! When I think of what this woman means when she says "manly" I think she's thinking of Tom Selleck's mustache and lots and lots of flannel.

"I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Too much....Come on now, I'm female!"
I guess women think about stuff lots more than guys or something what the fuck is she talking about? People say that they think about too much actually think about nothing 99% of the time.

"The six things I could never do without:
God, my family, the bible, music, coffee, the internet?"
God AND the Bible? Why both, I mean you have one imaginary stupid thing why put the book about that thing too? Seems double wasteful. Why a question mark after internet? I mean how else would you post this stupid profile? What is the bible's take on internet dating anyway? Jesus was way too jacked and tan to need to use the internet to get ass.

"You should message me if:
You like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain "
You gotta appreciate a reference to one of the worst songs of all time about two people trying to cheat on each other. 
"I would love to find somebody that would help me get to Heaven and bring out the best in me"
Sounds like you want someone to kill you, shouldn't be too hard to find on the internet. Try Craigslist though. 

"I am not just on here looking for a guy to bang and that is not going to be something that would happen right away with anyone I meet."
This is always in every generic chick's profile. If you have to clarify that you're not a complete and utter whore, then odds are you have whored it up at some point. Notice how no girls are putting "I'm a total whore and I fuck on the first date." So why bother putting the disclaimer out there? Same with the "If you're an asshole, don't message me!" Like assholes are all self aware and will be deterred by such a warning.
Well that was fun, being mean to total strangers anonymously on the internet. I enjoyed it.


Sunday, May 19, 2013

Talking to the internet: The story of all of us.

It's hard wanting to tell people your opinions when you don't matter to most people, I get it. We have Facebook, we have Twitter, we have Foursquare to tell people we don't know where we are for some bizarre hasn't been explained to me reason, we have Klout so some of us can even pretend we have influence on said people we don't talk to ever! We have so many apps geared towards the general population telling us "everybody cares about everything!" When the sad reality is we care about as far as other people care about us. Twitter is the ultimate in unadulterated narcissism. Cluttered with people ranging from major celebrities to your neighbor the stay at home mom who blogs about shit that literally only relates to other moms. We live in a world where everybody thinks their life is a sitcom and 99.99999% are so stupefyingly wrong. Or worse they think social media is some sort of diary where they can bitch about personal matters that should be kept to ones closest social circles.

I like my friends, a lot, they have interesting things to say on most subjects, and our topics of conversation are almost always stimulating. Barely any of them are seriously involved in social media, like at all. I envy their indifference to things like Twitter honestly. I go on it mostly to test out jokes or say non sequiturs for the entertainment for some Internet friends. I do not go there to recruit followers or "expand my influence" because in my opinion I have none, I'm just a guy trying to be funny. When I get a like, a favorite, a Re-tweet  I appreciate it as a compliment and contemplate whether or not I can turn it into a stand up joke. It has served as a solid creative outlet for me and its nice to be able to jot down inane or absurd ideas w my phone since my short term memory is astoundingly poor (insert pot joke here). Am I wrong to be disturbed about the posts about what people are eating, where they are, when they're working, how drunk they are, political opinions that serve only to sever ties with other people, and the worst one of all, how happy you are in your relationship? Yuck. Those statuses are a blatant fuck you to all single people. But you'll be back, *evil cackle* they all come back!

I may sound bitter, and I am very very bitter ya know since that "in a relationship" status taunts me at every turn. I guess I just want an idealized world where everyone tries to entertain everyone, and inane statuses that are always passive aggressive in nature and are rarely if ever seen by the intended party because god knows we fear confrontation more than death by firing squad. Why do I want that world? Because I'm a fucking narcissist who wants the world to be dictated by my every desire! But at least I admit it. Also fuck you and your "I don't want drama" bullshit. You know who you are.(See what I did there? Don't try to out passive aggression me, I'll fucking bury you!)

I wrote this one my phone so if the grammar suffers I apologize but it's 3 am and I must be lonely.(matchbox 20 lyrics ftw)

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Craigslist diaries: This man could use some compassion

Sex adiction oral sex (Denver)

I am a Male with an addiction to performaing oral sex on woman.

I am Hoping to meet a compasionate woman who will assist me to break this habit.

I am consumed with the thoughts of oral sex and it is creating difficulties in my life. 
Wait, so, you want a woman to help you break this habit? I have just the thing! You need a filthy woman, a woman with "backpacker bush"!