Thursday, December 29, 2011

Shopping for a portable CD player in 2011

"I feel so old!" That phrase sound familiar? That's because you've probably said it several times a week regardless of what age you are right now, unless you're a kid under 13 and you have no awareness of what the fuck is happening around you whatsoever enjoy it while it lasts! We all say it because in that very moment we're doing something or being a part of something that helps us realize our advancing age and deteriorating abilities across the board. It's a form of self deprecation we all kinda mockingly say, usually around someone older than us, that helps us relate to people on a basic human level. We're all aging, we all know it, and we all like to throw that fact into small talk as if we're reminding each other of how things used to be way better when we were kids.

I had that feeling old moment today while looking for a portable CD player. Here's the deal, I drive a Ford Taurus w a tape deck, I live in a house with no boombox(another relic), the computer disc drive doesn't work, and all other options like the DVD player seem patently ridiculous to listen to a CD.  There's more to the reason I was in the market for such a outdated piece of technology but really nobody cares so I'll get to the point.  I was in Target, and having no luck finding this antique necessity, I asked an employee, who directed me to a section where there were devices that played CDs, but none so that could be deemed portable.  So I was slightly annoyed, but really what am I going to do? Go home and complain that Target doesn't carry a larger line of a product nobody gives a shit about anymore? So that's the part where I say to myself the quote up there about being old, because nothing says "getting older" like being the guy looking for a typewriter at Best Buy. But for me I don't care, and it lets me know I'm a part of the real world where spending $10 on a basic music player is the norm and having a Smart phone with every song ever isn't a tangible option at the moment.

So we're all getting older, it sucks, and eventually you're going to be that poor bastard just trying to listen to their Now 27 CD. But it's cool people, I'm there with ya!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Twitter is crack, and I'm a fiend.

Hi I'm Vince, and I'm addicted to Twitter, Facebook, texting, blogging, check in in to various businesses for no sane reason, and generally being socially retarded with those I'm not comfortable being myself around.  It's a pretty shitty thing to be constantly choosing to patronize businesses based on their available wifi, especially being a grown man who makes poor real life decisions on a whim but has deep internal conflict about going to a restaurant where I can't immediately "check in".  Why am I like this? Well the likely and easy answer is I'm a completely fucked in the head individual who makes trivial decisions the bane of my existence so to avoid dealing with my current life situation, which is oh so unsavory.  Quite honestly that may be the answer, and I'm totally okay with that.  Because if I am crazy, which is something I pretty much aspire to be, I feel at least my craziness is devoid of narcissism or sociopathic qualities. 

I know that I say things on all these social media sites that essentially go out to hundreds of strangers, but it's the content of what I'm saying that I like to think makes me different than the countless people that provide personal updates on things that literally only they could care about.  Maybe my tweets and updates aren't funny or profound every time, but my goal isn't to pander to idiots with "relatable" bullshit that means nothing to anybody! I'm trying to entertain, and that's all there is to it.  If you see a status or tweet you consider to be trivial and dumb such as such gems like "What a blessed day" or "It's snowing!", just settle down, and be quelled with the knowledge that clearly my account has been hijacked by a porn peddling robot. I won't ever back down, and if you follow someone who needs to be reminded that you don't give a fuck about their family, their shitty day, their worthless life that they're pushing on your innocent eyes, give me their handle, I'll lay into them free of charge, hell I get off on it. Cheers to putting complete strangers in their place! Now let's all get wasted and tweet about it!

Oh by the way check out this guy Matt Fulchiron (@thefullcharge on twitter, he's funny trust me)

Friday, December 16, 2011

We're all full of shit

Every day we go out into the world and pretend to be something we have no interest in being.  We have bullshit conversations with people we mostly have no interest in talking to and do our bullshit job, and let's be perfectly honest most if not all jobs are bullshit in some way.  I'm not even speaking out of bitterness, I sincerely don't think I'd enjoy any job out there that consumed time that I could be spending with friends, family, accomplishing goals, bettering myself, etc.

Work is pointless.

That's not entirely true, work in and of itself isn't pointless, but most work is done in vain.  We'd all rather be doing something else with our time than spending it working towards nothing.  I work towards nothing.  I wouldn't even call what I do work, it's more like biding time until I can leave and do things I want to do.  But I accept that I'm different, most would call me lazy, I just consider myself of a different mindset than most.  If life is short as the saying goes, and we could go at anytime, why do insist on wasting time at jobs? I mean we obviously have to pay bills and all that fun stuff but if anything we should be severely limiting the amount of work we have to do and focusing on enjoying life far more.  But some people work more than they even have to, saving in 401k, Always saving for retirement, and to that I say what the fuck?

You mean you want me to toil away for 50+ years so that when I'm old and tired I can do nothing? I wanna do nothing now damn it! Screw living life when I'm old, I can't wait that long I'm impatient and I'm in the prime of my life!  Oh and yes I know that when I get to that age I won't think like this but who cares? I'm not excited for tomorrow, I'm excited for right now, typing this!  So excuse me if I want to go out and enjoy every night I possibly can, and spend my money now, and completely disregard my retirement which I have no intention of ever reaching.  This is America, and I plan on living a free life as long as possible, and when I run out of money, you'll find me on a street corner with a sign that says "I lived already, what the fuck are you doing? Also I need money for beer".  Oh and also our educational system is a load of shit. The end.

Video of the day

Friday, December 9, 2011

Texting, eating, drinking (soda)...oh and driving.

You ever have like a brush with death and you get that super panicked feeling inside for just a moment? It's the moment where apparently your life is supposed to flash before your eyes and you're supposed to thank a higher power that you didn't get T-Boned by an 18 wheeler if you weren't aware.  Either that is just another bullshit creation of the media or I have a weird response to my mortality.  I swear every time I have those brushes with the grim reaper I just find myself being extraordinarily annoyed by the way dangerous situation that has happened upon me. 

I swear I hit black ice last year and spun around on the expressway and all the while I was doing 360s with my 99 Ford Taurus I was just thinking "Shit, really? Black ice takes me out? How fucking lame" Then I came to rest and I was fine but still I don't remember feeling any terror or fear.

I'm not saying that because I'm tough because I'm not I'm actually a major pussy in typical situations where fear is an expected human emotion.  I just don't want to die in a stupid way is that too much to ask? Another thing is I'm me and if you know me then you're going to make assumptions what caused me to careen into a concrete median. 

Honestly guys if I go out while I'm driving, it's going to be an embarrassing story that involves an unnecessary text, Mcdonalds fries, and possibly reaching for my Ipod that fell on the passenger seat floor so I can change the song from the shitty Sara Bareilles song I downloaded (Paid for) to the even shittier Selena Gomez song I downloaded (Illegally).

Decided I'll do a weekly Top 5 because I am not so surprisingly lazy.

Video of The Day

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

God is a drunken sailor and we're all doomed

Listen guys, I really don't understand Foursquare.  I'm on it, I "check in", and I participate, but I have no legitimate reason why I do it other than to be a part of another technological, not advance, no way I use the word advance when talking about a network dedicated to telling other people where I am.  Nobody could possibly care where I am other than my mother, and she is the LAST person I want to know where I am in most cases.  So someone really needs to explain the benefit of being a part of it, other than getting 20% off my purchase of $10 or more at Pellegrinos, which would be cool if they had free wifi and if I was ever there with another person that would put our total over $10. 

Oh and by the way, my IPod is cracked. People have asked me how it happened numerous times, as if there is some kind of wild story behind it.  Well inquisitive sir or madam, it was pure insanity, you'll never believe this please sit down before reading these next three words: I dropped it.  Yeah I know, unbelievable right? I dropped my Ipod that has a glass screen as you may or may never know, and it cracked from the impact with the floor of a bar after falling out of my pocket.  So now you know, if you see someone with an IPod with a cracked screen, you don't have to ask what happened!  Unless it's someone who plays me in Words with Friends, then which they may have stomped it repeatedly out of sheer frustration.

I'm going to start putting Top 5s on here, I'll take suggestions too so comment or tell me via text or facebook! Here's my 1st one, Top 5 living comedians as my opinion states...

1. Daniel Tosh
2. Louis CK
3. David Cross
4. David Chappelle
5. Patton Oswalt

The Christmas Shoes song as told by #5 Patton Oswalt


Monday, December 5, 2011

Piece of shit car

I've now been stopped by the police a whopping 9 times. I've been stopped for speeding (Twice), broken tail light (Twice), being parked in a non-parking zone (To be fair I wasn't driving but it was one of the poorest decisions of my life that got me there), one time that involved illicit drug use on school property, Not having a seat belt on (Passenger, not me, I am a proud seat belt wearing American!), and the most recent one, which was speeding but quickly became suspicion of drunken driving.  Here's the good news folks, of all those stops, your buddy Vince (You're reading this you're my fucking buddy OK?) has gotten out of every single one scot free. I'm not sure if it's my white skin, my shitty car, or the adorably pathetic look I give every cop that says "Look at me, do you really wanna pile more shit on this dump?", but whatever the case I thank each of those cops for their mercy and the fact that I completely dominated the field sobriety test last night. Got to 34 one thousand standing on one foot before he passed me back onto the road.  For a moment at least, I was the Aaron Rodgers of sobriety tests. 1-0, I hope to retire undefeated in that regard.  If I was the Tim Tebow of those tests, I'd have been in the back of his car after falling over myself on the 1st test. 

Oh and fuck parking police, those assholes/cunts can all eat a bag of shit covered dicks.

Here's an oldie but a goodie

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Gourmet Cupcakes & Scrabble

So I saw a bumper sticker that said "I play scrabble...and I Vote!" Which amazed me because I figured that the board game demographic was pretty much the most dependable for community participation.  I mean the average Scrabble player is about 92 years old and pretty much their priorities are play scrabble, vote, and try not to shit their pants.  One of those is far more difficult than the other two, which is why Depends exist.  How is there even a market for that kind of obvious bumper sticker? Here are some other bumper sticker ideas I'm sure they missed out on:
- I live in Detroit...and I'm unemployed!
- I go to Syracuse...and I've had sex with Laura and Bernie Fine!
- I live in Arkansas...and my wife is my sister!
- I live in America...and I subscribe to the illusion that my vote counts!

Anyways my friend told me the other night that people have the false notion that he is the type of person who eats gourmet cupcakes.  Now I don't know a single person on the face of the earth that I would ever peg as a "gourmet cupcake guy" because that conversation would never happen between two people. I offer this fictional scenario:
Guy 1 : Dude I bet you that dude loves cupcakes.
Guy 2: Nah, by the looks of him and the way he talks and acts, he definitely doesn't just eat any cupcake. This guy is all about handmade, upscale restaurant, gourmet motherfucking cupcakes.
Guy 1: Is this conversation really happening?
Guy 2: I guess in some one's vast imagination, it already did.

Before I go, just know that if you ever overhear a old person tell someone they don't have any change, you tell them they're full of shit, and you rob them.

Happy Holidays everybody!

RIP Patrice

Thursday, December 1, 2011

In defense of Stevie Johnson and "Excessive Celebration"

Listen I get it Bills fans.  Stevie Johnson dropped a couple TD passes he probably should've caught, and for that he is a god damn poose.  But I'd like to send a nice healthy dog turd to anyone who is upset by his end zone antics.  I mean besides the fact that the NFL chooses to penalize and fine players for enjoying their moment in the sun, like some sort of fucking military boot camp where smiles are verboten, and that forced their retarded ass kicker to miss the fucking ball and knock it out of bounds like some sort of half assed on sides kick attempt.  Besides THAT, what is every one's problem with a guy having some fun at someone else's expense? Does Plaxico really not have a sense of humor about the dumbest thing a pro athlete has ever done since Nate Newton was caught with 500 pounds of weed TWICE? Seriously?

Even better than that is the completely misguided and retarded outrage about him crashing into the ground like a plane.  Because that was definitely his intention, I bet that's exactly what went through his head because deep down, Stevie Johnson is a god damned terrorist!  But people apparently failed to realize or just chose to be willfully ignorant to, is the fact that they were playing the Jets.  As in "Jet Plane", as in he was crashing into the ground like the football team the Jets' season was crashing into the ground? Get it? But no we have people in the media who like to sit around and be offended by every attempt at humor and condemn all acts of "look at me!".  Give me a break and go to China if you want everyone to fall in line and obey orders and do their job.  Steve Johnson is a funny guy with a comical inability to catch clutch passes, and that is the end of the story.  Now if next time he scores he has 2 lineman stand next to each other as he crashes into them, maybe I'll re-examine my stance. Until then, let them have some fucking fun!

Love the Black Keys? Love this video.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Girls are pretty

I wouldn't say I'm egotistical but I don't often give thought to things that don't affect me in some way.  I think that's pretty normal but something we don't really acknowledge because it sounds so self centered and not endearing.  But it is totally true, because more often than not I do give great thought to how my decisions will affect me.  It just varies on long term effect and short term effect.  My problem is that I think long term but can only make effective decisions for myself in the short term.  For example, when I have a desire, whether it be to write a screenplay, run a 5k race, or forget those two previous ideas and write a blog, I act on that with the intent on making myself happy at the current moment. The only time we really regret things is when they're still affecting us after they happened.  (Editors note: Vince just went on facebook for 10 minutes, then he typed this because he thought that was amusing. Third person is fun.) For example if I go see a shitty movie, which is quite often these days, I pay for a ticket, lose that hour and a half, and go on with my life.  Maybe I shit on the movie to people but in general I forget I even saw it (Yeah Contagion, I forgot I even watched your overrated garbage movie, you're fucking irrelevant!)

But I'm talking about decisions that will shit on you for years and years.  Relationships. Jobs. A degree you take out private loans to pay for and gets you nowhere.  You may notice some bitterness on that last one, and that's good because it's quite palpable.  So if you ask me if I regret going to a private school for a degree I'm currently having finding no use for other than a coaster in my room at my moms house where I live at age 24, I'll answer it in two parts.  Yes I regret having to shell out $300+ each month for that coaster/degree, no doubt about it I am not doing well enough in life to piss away that kind of money on the equivalent to having a fucking star named after me.  But no I don't regret making that horrible decision because now I'm forced to deal with it every day.  And that makes me who I am today.  Do I believe in fate? I don't know really, I just believe things are going to happen, and every day that I continue to be able to say and do whatever I want really, is a pretty good day.  You worry me America, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Now go back to your regularly scheduled binge eating.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Brick where'd you get a grenade?

I love stereotypes.  I don't judge people solely based on them, but I find it is very accurate in certain cases.  We can all pretend to subscribe to the notion of judging a book by its cover, but the truth of the matter is we see a Mexican janitor and we're not thinking "that guy probably mows through a lot of Dostoevsky", no, we're thinking "that guy probably mows a mean lawn".  Racist? Yeah probably, but it's just something we deal with on a daily basis.  The same way we typically think people look smarter when they wear glasses, and as far as I know my intelligence does not magically increase when I throw on my cheap spectacles, although they should work on a way to make that happen immediately. 

This brings me to the customer base of a haircut chain called Lady Jane's.  I had the "pleasure" of watching people go in and out of that place for a solid 4 hours (I work next door to their place) and boy, it didn't do a lot to dismiss the notion that every person that goes there has major insecurity issues and is in desperate need of a strong woman in their life.  I totally get the idea of having a cute girl cut my hair, I imagine it is a way better experience than an old man whose hair cutting skills are diminishing by the week, and what with the Penn St and Syracuse business, I'm pretty sure I have to look for another place to get my hair cut. 

But it's the way their commercials sell sex as literally the only reason to go there.  It's basically a horny guidos wet dream.  Which really makes me wonder why nobody has come up with a strip club hair salon.  We already cater to the lowest common denominator in every way i.e. Jeff Dunham, Cable Guy, Adam Sandler movies, fox cartoons, GOP candidates), so why not just go the extra mile and show some boobs to these sad souls with nothing more to live for.  I'm ok with it as long as it keeps them away from me and the reality I live in.  But no guy in the commercials, your place is not "Wicked Awesome". Go to hell.

Here's the video I see every time I see those guys

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Why is it raining? Nevermind I pissed my pants...

So it's the day before Thanksgiving, we're all ready to completely ignore our daily routines of pretending to want to eat well and gorge ourselves on food prepared by our relatives while we contribute nothing more than a bowl of chex mix w M&Ms in it because we (well me definitely) are all family leeches around this time of year.  It starts with Thanksgiving, which is awesome don't get me wrong, and I don't mean in a celebrating the Pilgrims slaughtering Indians kind of way either.  In a way that taking a 30 minute shower is awesome, you know it's overindulgent and gluttonous behavior but who gives a shit pass the stuffing, I'm going for seconds, thirds, fourths, and then I'll pass out on the couch watching football, because THAT is how I roll on Thanksgiving. 

But Thanksgiving is only the beginning.  Let's be honest Christmas is already here folks, and we aren't even all that resistant to its fat ass ambassador Santa.  It's the "season of giving" they say...yeah, ok.  I'm not sure about all of you, well yes I am you're selfish or in denial about being selfish, whatever, but everytime I go Christmas shopping, it's like I'm on a personal wish list spree.  What does my mom want? What do I get my God Daughter? I have no fucking idea what they want that they don't already have, but I know damn well I need a new hoodie and I'm at the mall already so ipso facto, I'm leaving with a hoodie and gift cards to Coldstone and Baby Gap.  Not to say I don't love buying things for people, but I have no discretionary income for other people.  That's something adults can do, but not I.  So for now, I'm going to buy the people close to me one of those Delta Sonic/Applebees half ass, completely thoughtless gift certificate thingys, and stick to buying the real stuff for myself, since who knows me better than me?  If you say Santa, stop reading this and get back to your coloring book kid.  Merry effin Christmas and eat all you want, I'm out!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

You're gonna die clown!

So, I've been a sports fan for as long as I can remember, paying attention to scores, games, what have you, for no real purpose that I can explain to a rationally thinking person.  My biggest "vice" is the Philadelphia Eagles, who continue to be the bane of my existence in every way.  They say that art imitates life(pretty sure that's the quote, call it 80% sure) and in that vain, I have taken that idea to the most extreme of extremes. 

For whatever reason I tend to notice similarities between my life and the Eagles on a regular basis.  Let's start with the basics:

The Eagles have never won the Super Bowl...they always come up short and are usually just good enought to get my hopes up every single year.  If I'm being pessimistic about my life, which is always good fun, I believe that the Eagles futility somehow reflects onto me as a person and creates this totally irrational feeling that no matter what I do, I will never achieve ultimate success.

Now that in and of itself is completely stupid and anyone reading this probably thinks I'm either an idiot or a lunatic or both, and you're probably half right with that assessment.  But recently it's actually become a fun game for me to distract me from reality.  Truth is, my reality is I'm a broke single college grad living with my parents.  Not exactly the definition of success in any way shape or form.  But I'm hardly mopey about it, well sometimes but I am human(I think), so when shit gets real I do get down from time to time.  But that reality does not bum me out for long because living life is a distraction in many ways.  Is it unrealistic to believe that the success of a bunch of highly paid athletes performing poorly somehow correlates to myself being unsuccessful in the dating world? Of course it is!  But what fun would it be to just talk about how all my problems are a direct result of my own personal actions? None at all I say. 

So what if I believe the consummation and subsequent end of my longest relationship was a mirror image of the Donovan Mcnabb era in Philadelphia?  It's not supposed to make sense to you, it's supposed to make you laugh.  And that people, is what nearly everything I do is about.  So I submit to you the reader to please have fun with life, distract yourself from our shitty government problems, and maybe consider relating your life to something totally ridiculous, it works for me.

Video of the day

Friday, November 18, 2011

No that's not a crackhead, that's a tree.

Today I put in my 2 weeks notice at my employer.  I gave them a three sentence explanation.  I said was leaving the 25th, and thanks for the opportunity.  Here's what I would have loved to say to them if I had the balls to make it outrageously awkward over the last 5 days I work there...

Hey Pricks,

I'm leaving in T-minus 5 days, just enough time to realize what an idiotic mistake you made making me full time and not bothering to bump up my pay even a marginal amount to appease me.  More Souls Crushed, More Days Ruined, that's the power of the (Insert retail hell hole).

Yours truly,


Video of the Day
Drew Magary quote of the day
"Last Friday Night (TGIF)," by Katy Perry. And I can't believe this song hasn't been the subject of a fierce backlash from Jezebel commenters yet. "There's a stranger in my bed"? "Think we kissed but I forgot"? "It's a blacked out blur, but I'm pretty sure it ruled"? My God, young woman! Don't you see that you are perpetuating the typical patriarchal superiorist fantasy of a submissive drunken woman? That wasn't a menage-a-trois you had. That was a manage-a-RAPE. Little girls are gonna hear that song and think it's okay to repeatedly get drunk and have your party dress ripped. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

A lot of people on Twitter are remarkably dumb

If you don't know much about Twitter, it's a place people like myself go to say a few things that are on our minds at the moment.  It's like an orgy of thoughts, people saying whatever comes to their mind, and this can be really cool, but it can also be really bad.  One of the really bad parts about twitter is some people's constant need to say every god damn thing that happens to them as if their Twitter feed is some sort of low rent uninteresting reality show.  Some people are startlingly unaware of the fact that nobody cares that they hate their job, what music they're listening to, or where they're eating (Seriously I never knew how many narcissists existed before social networking, the number is staggering).  Listen, I'm sure I've said a lot of unfunny shit on Twitter, Facebook, etc, but I am trying to amuse people with every tweet.  It's like an open mic, some of it is received by crickets, other times I'll get a RT or 2 and feel really good.  Here's an example of a tweet that is so retarded, the Special Olympics called they want their IQ back...@Got_StupidJuice #Thosethreewords GImmie Dem Draws.  I'm just glad George Carlin wasn't around to see the complete and utter bastardization of the english language.  Just because there's 140 characters doesn't mean you have to be a complete and utter failure as a human being on display for the world to see.  Hopefully some people read this and learn, but more likely nobody will read and nobody will learn because that's the American way!

Good Luck Humanity

Video of the Day

Embarrassing song I listen to way too often

Judge me all you'd like, I enjoy it.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

99%? I roll with the bottom 20% bitches.

It was sure nice of this Occupy Wall Street to separate us into 2 categories like that.  The nice way to put my status in the world is I'm a part of the 99%. The reality is the only thing keeping me off the street holding a clever sign to get change from strangers is a family.  But seriously I can't imagine most people in the top 40% are that committed to the OWS movement.  Those people are like casual sports fans, it's fun to watch the games and root for your team, but in the end that game has about as much impact on your life as a shortage of pancakes.  For most people, the game ends and you move on with your life, or to continue with my breakfast analogy, you go with french toast for awhile(Seriously, I love pancakes for the 1st 2 bites, then I'm full and regretting my decision to get the full stack). But for some people, shit gets real.  These would be called fanatics, or, people suppressing deep issues by drinking excessively and screaming obscenities at people throwing a ball around. Or try telling the occupants of the local IHOP that pancakes are off the menu for a week, and see if 10,000 pounds of human mass doesn't come at you with the force of 300 Spartans. 

I'm just saying the OWS is a nice idea, but the sad fact is we are hardly unified within our 99% and the 1% are well aware of this fact.  For now OWS is a nice way to annoy local governments, make some noise, and roast marshmallows in a park with your fellow man, which is actually pretty cool.  But maybe we need to channel our inner drunken angry pancake and sports loving lunatic to really get some shit done.  I don't know though, I'm just some asshole with a desktop and plenty of free time.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Money doesn't buy happiness, it is happiness.

Do people listen to themselves when they talk ever? We're all guilty at some point or another of completely disregarding the sad fact that people don't give a shit about what we're talking about.  For me it's mostly when I talk about fantasy sports, a subject that is literally not even interesting to fellow players.  I call us "players" because that is really the only vain in which such a classification would be given.  But why on a persistent basis do people decide to bore other people with the most banal minutia ever conceived? It's almost as if for some people, the idea of a two way conversation is unthinkable.  As a self centered prick myself, even I find it fascinating when people like this actually complain about other people behaving the same way.  I don't know if it is some sort of unconscious defense mechanism that operates on it's own to protect the conscience from realizing just how dull they are as a person, but holy hypocrisy batman! All I'm saying is that if you're going to bore the shit out of me with stories about your aunt's birthday party having the best potato salad you've ever eaten, then be prepared to hear just how many fantasy points Lesean Mccoy got me this week to bring the Rainbow Jizzstains to a record of 6-4.  Stay interesting my friends.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Video of the day!

I don't mean mug, I shoulder shrug.

Well it's Monday, the nations most hated day of the calendar week, and for once it lives up to that billing for yours truly.  But that's not why I'm blogging for the first time since I was writing scathing messages directed at my football team the Philadelphia Eagles, really I have no reason other than time on my hands, and masturbation only takes up so much time so here I am.  So let's get to some news stories I'd like to comment on shall we? What's up with this Herman Cain fellow? And is it just me or are this years group of Republican candidates even more laughably bad than Bush could have ever been.  Even Bob Dole thinks these guys, and alien cyborg Bachmann, are less interesting than a book about how string cheese is made.  As a registered democrat, I find myself at a loss for how candidates for president have gone the path of Adam Sandler movies; At first they were really good and pretty hilarious, and now they're just pathetic and sad.  I think even Bachmann and Perry would support abortion if it meant we would've killed Adam Sandler's career 10 years ago.  Seriously Adam, WHAT THE FUCK?, as your biggest fan into the early 2000s, why did you decide to face rape your loyal fans for the past decade?  I'm just waiting for your final film, you farting on a fans face while you wackoff into $100 bills.  So if anyone reading this decides it's a good idea to use precious time in your life to watch Jack & Jill, if you're too afraid to off yourself, do us all a favor and buy a ticket to a different movie so as to not continue the disease that is Sandler.  How about some sports commentary? Yeah? Let's do it.  Tim Tebow reminds me of the Cleveland Indians from Major League.  The whole organization wants him to fail so bad and they can't do it!  Look out for that team to cut their best players, hell they already unloaded their best WR Lloyd.  Watch them sign Tiki Barber this week, because their top 2 rbs are "hurt".  From now on I'm calling Tebow Christian Wild Thing.  You should too.  Time for some social commentary.  I'm sick of all forms of machismo, it is patently insecure douche bag behavior.  We get it dude, if you don't tell me that you would fuck every girl that walks past you at the mall, I might question your sexual preference and ridicule you for being different, but the fact is I'm going to do that anyways, and just because we happen to be standing next to each other, doesn't make us friends.  Go drown your insecurities at Heat, or Hush, or Vinyl, or whatever club you drones troll for pussy with daddy issues.  One more thing before I go. Last night at Applebees a lovely young bartender had a little trouble with what I presume was a daiquiri, and it shot out some liquid towards her.  If you don't know where this is headed, stop reading and watch The Office now.  She asked me, "Did it get in my hair?", to which I responded "No, but, that's what she said!" then I high fived my friends and I won the night. The end.

Oh and I may as well do weekly picks, so tonight's MNF affair I'll go Packers 34 Vikings 30.  Look out for Ponder, he looks an awful lot like that asshole who wouldn't go away.