Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Girls are pretty

I wouldn't say I'm egotistical but I don't often give thought to things that don't affect me in some way.  I think that's pretty normal but something we don't really acknowledge because it sounds so self centered and not endearing.  But it is totally true, because more often than not I do give great thought to how my decisions will affect me.  It just varies on long term effect and short term effect.  My problem is that I think long term but can only make effective decisions for myself in the short term.  For example, when I have a desire, whether it be to write a screenplay, run a 5k race, or forget those two previous ideas and write a blog, I act on that with the intent on making myself happy at the current moment. The only time we really regret things is when they're still affecting us after they happened.  (Editors note: Vince just went on facebook for 10 minutes, then he typed this because he thought that was amusing. Third person is fun.) For example if I go see a shitty movie, which is quite often these days, I pay for a ticket, lose that hour and a half, and go on with my life.  Maybe I shit on the movie to people but in general I forget I even saw it (Yeah Contagion, I forgot I even watched your overrated garbage movie, you're fucking irrelevant!)

But I'm talking about decisions that will shit on you for years and years.  Relationships. Jobs. A degree you take out private loans to pay for and gets you nowhere.  You may notice some bitterness on that last one, and that's good because it's quite palpable.  So if you ask me if I regret going to a private school for a degree I'm currently having finding no use for other than a coaster in my room at my moms house where I live at age 24, I'll answer it in two parts.  Yes I regret having to shell out $300+ each month for that coaster/degree, no doubt about it I am not doing well enough in life to piss away that kind of money on the equivalent to having a fucking star named after me.  But no I don't regret making that horrible decision because now I'm forced to deal with it every day.  And that makes me who I am today.  Do I believe in fate? I don't know really, I just believe things are going to happen, and every day that I continue to be able to say and do whatever I want really, is a pretty good day.  You worry me America, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Now go back to your regularly scheduled binge eating.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Brick where'd you get a grenade?

I love stereotypes.  I don't judge people solely based on them, but I find it is very accurate in certain cases.  We can all pretend to subscribe to the notion of judging a book by its cover, but the truth of the matter is we see a Mexican janitor and we're not thinking "that guy probably mows through a lot of Dostoevsky", no, we're thinking "that guy probably mows a mean lawn".  Racist? Yeah probably, but it's just something we deal with on a daily basis.  The same way we typically think people look smarter when they wear glasses, and as far as I know my intelligence does not magically increase when I throw on my cheap spectacles, although they should work on a way to make that happen immediately. 

This brings me to the customer base of a haircut chain called Lady Jane's.  I had the "pleasure" of watching people go in and out of that place for a solid 4 hours (I work next door to their place) and boy, it didn't do a lot to dismiss the notion that every person that goes there has major insecurity issues and is in desperate need of a strong woman in their life.  I totally get the idea of having a cute girl cut my hair, I imagine it is a way better experience than an old man whose hair cutting skills are diminishing by the week, and what with the Penn St and Syracuse business, I'm pretty sure I have to look for another place to get my hair cut. 

But it's the way their commercials sell sex as literally the only reason to go there.  It's basically a horny guidos wet dream.  Which really makes me wonder why nobody has come up with a strip club hair salon.  We already cater to the lowest common denominator in every way i.e. Jeff Dunham, Cable Guy, Adam Sandler movies, fox cartoons, GOP candidates), so why not just go the extra mile and show some boobs to these sad souls with nothing more to live for.  I'm ok with it as long as it keeps them away from me and the reality I live in.  But no guy in the commercials, your place is not "Wicked Awesome". Go to hell.

Here's the video I see every time I see those guys

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Why is it raining? Nevermind I pissed my pants...

So it's the day before Thanksgiving, we're all ready to completely ignore our daily routines of pretending to want to eat well and gorge ourselves on food prepared by our relatives while we contribute nothing more than a bowl of chex mix w M&Ms in it because we (well me definitely) are all family leeches around this time of year.  It starts with Thanksgiving, which is awesome don't get me wrong, and I don't mean in a celebrating the Pilgrims slaughtering Indians kind of way either.  In a way that taking a 30 minute shower is awesome, you know it's overindulgent and gluttonous behavior but who gives a shit pass the stuffing, I'm going for seconds, thirds, fourths, and then I'll pass out on the couch watching football, because THAT is how I roll on Thanksgiving. 

But Thanksgiving is only the beginning.  Let's be honest Christmas is already here folks, and we aren't even all that resistant to its fat ass ambassador Santa.  It's the "season of giving" they say...yeah, ok.  I'm not sure about all of you, well yes I am you're selfish or in denial about being selfish, whatever, but everytime I go Christmas shopping, it's like I'm on a personal wish list spree.  What does my mom want? What do I get my God Daughter? I have no fucking idea what they want that they don't already have, but I know damn well I need a new hoodie and I'm at the mall already so ipso facto, I'm leaving with a hoodie and gift cards to Coldstone and Baby Gap.  Not to say I don't love buying things for people, but I have no discretionary income for other people.  That's something adults can do, but not I.  So for now, I'm going to buy the people close to me one of those Delta Sonic/Applebees half ass, completely thoughtless gift certificate thingys, and stick to buying the real stuff for myself, since who knows me better than me?  If you say Santa, stop reading this and get back to your coloring book kid.  Merry effin Christmas and eat all you want, I'm out!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

You're gonna die clown!

So, I've been a sports fan for as long as I can remember, paying attention to scores, games, what have you, for no real purpose that I can explain to a rationally thinking person.  My biggest "vice" is the Philadelphia Eagles, who continue to be the bane of my existence in every way.  They say that art imitates life(pretty sure that's the quote, call it 80% sure) and in that vain, I have taken that idea to the most extreme of extremes. 

For whatever reason I tend to notice similarities between my life and the Eagles on a regular basis.  Let's start with the basics:

The Eagles have never won the Super Bowl...they always come up short and are usually just good enought to get my hopes up every single year.  If I'm being pessimistic about my life, which is always good fun, I believe that the Eagles futility somehow reflects onto me as a person and creates this totally irrational feeling that no matter what I do, I will never achieve ultimate success.

Now that in and of itself is completely stupid and anyone reading this probably thinks I'm either an idiot or a lunatic or both, and you're probably half right with that assessment.  But recently it's actually become a fun game for me to distract me from reality.  Truth is, my reality is I'm a broke single college grad living with my parents.  Not exactly the definition of success in any way shape or form.  But I'm hardly mopey about it, well sometimes but I am human(I think), so when shit gets real I do get down from time to time.  But that reality does not bum me out for long because living life is a distraction in many ways.  Is it unrealistic to believe that the success of a bunch of highly paid athletes performing poorly somehow correlates to myself being unsuccessful in the dating world? Of course it is!  But what fun would it be to just talk about how all my problems are a direct result of my own personal actions? None at all I say. 

So what if I believe the consummation and subsequent end of my longest relationship was a mirror image of the Donovan Mcnabb era in Philadelphia?  It's not supposed to make sense to you, it's supposed to make you laugh.  And that people, is what nearly everything I do is about.  So I submit to you the reader to please have fun with life, distract yourself from our shitty government problems, and maybe consider relating your life to something totally ridiculous, it works for me.

Video of the day

Friday, November 18, 2011

No that's not a crackhead, that's a tree.

Today I put in my 2 weeks notice at my employer.  I gave them a three sentence explanation.  I said was leaving the 25th, and thanks for the opportunity.  Here's what I would have loved to say to them if I had the balls to make it outrageously awkward over the last 5 days I work there...

Hey Pricks,

I'm leaving in T-minus 5 days, just enough time to realize what an idiotic mistake you made making me full time and not bothering to bump up my pay even a marginal amount to appease me.  More Souls Crushed, More Days Ruined, that's the power of the (Insert retail hell hole).

Yours truly,


Video of the Day
Drew Magary quote of the day
"Last Friday Night (TGIF)," by Katy Perry. And I can't believe this song hasn't been the subject of a fierce backlash from Jezebel commenters yet. "There's a stranger in my bed"? "Think we kissed but I forgot"? "It's a blacked out blur, but I'm pretty sure it ruled"? My God, young woman! Don't you see that you are perpetuating the typical patriarchal superiorist fantasy of a submissive drunken woman? That wasn't a menage-a-trois you had. That was a manage-a-RAPE. Little girls are gonna hear that song and think it's okay to repeatedly get drunk and have your party dress ripped. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

A lot of people on Twitter are remarkably dumb

If you don't know much about Twitter, it's a place people like myself go to say a few things that are on our minds at the moment.  It's like an orgy of thoughts, people saying whatever comes to their mind, and this can be really cool, but it can also be really bad.  One of the really bad parts about twitter is some people's constant need to say every god damn thing that happens to them as if their Twitter feed is some sort of low rent uninteresting reality show.  Some people are startlingly unaware of the fact that nobody cares that they hate their job, what music they're listening to, or where they're eating (Seriously I never knew how many narcissists existed before social networking, the number is staggering).  Listen, I'm sure I've said a lot of unfunny shit on Twitter, Facebook, etc, but I am trying to amuse people with every tweet.  It's like an open mic, some of it is received by crickets, other times I'll get a RT or 2 and feel really good.  Here's an example of a tweet that is so retarded, the Special Olympics called they want their IQ back...@Got_StupidJuice #Thosethreewords GImmie Dem Draws.  I'm just glad George Carlin wasn't around to see the complete and utter bastardization of the english language.  Just because there's 140 characters doesn't mean you have to be a complete and utter failure as a human being on display for the world to see.  Hopefully some people read this and learn, but more likely nobody will read and nobody will learn because that's the American way!

Good Luck Humanity

Video of the Day

Embarrassing song I listen to way too often

Judge me all you'd like, I enjoy it.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

99%? I roll with the bottom 20% bitches.

It was sure nice of this Occupy Wall Street to separate us into 2 categories like that.  The nice way to put my status in the world is I'm a part of the 99%. The reality is the only thing keeping me off the street holding a clever sign to get change from strangers is a family.  But seriously I can't imagine most people in the top 40% are that committed to the OWS movement.  Those people are like casual sports fans, it's fun to watch the games and root for your team, but in the end that game has about as much impact on your life as a shortage of pancakes.  For most people, the game ends and you move on with your life, or to continue with my breakfast analogy, you go with french toast for awhile(Seriously, I love pancakes for the 1st 2 bites, then I'm full and regretting my decision to get the full stack). But for some people, shit gets real.  These would be called fanatics, or, people suppressing deep issues by drinking excessively and screaming obscenities at people throwing a ball around. Or try telling the occupants of the local IHOP that pancakes are off the menu for a week, and see if 10,000 pounds of human mass doesn't come at you with the force of 300 Spartans. 

I'm just saying the OWS is a nice idea, but the sad fact is we are hardly unified within our 99% and the 1% are well aware of this fact.  For now OWS is a nice way to annoy local governments, make some noise, and roast marshmallows in a park with your fellow man, which is actually pretty cool.  But maybe we need to channel our inner drunken angry pancake and sports loving lunatic to really get some shit done.  I don't know though, I'm just some asshole with a desktop and plenty of free time.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Money doesn't buy happiness, it is happiness.

Do people listen to themselves when they talk ever? We're all guilty at some point or another of completely disregarding the sad fact that people don't give a shit about what we're talking about.  For me it's mostly when I talk about fantasy sports, a subject that is literally not even interesting to fellow players.  I call us "players" because that is really the only vain in which such a classification would be given.  But why on a persistent basis do people decide to bore other people with the most banal minutia ever conceived? It's almost as if for some people, the idea of a two way conversation is unthinkable.  As a self centered prick myself, even I find it fascinating when people like this actually complain about other people behaving the same way.  I don't know if it is some sort of unconscious defense mechanism that operates on it's own to protect the conscience from realizing just how dull they are as a person, but holy hypocrisy batman! All I'm saying is that if you're going to bore the shit out of me with stories about your aunt's birthday party having the best potato salad you've ever eaten, then be prepared to hear just how many fantasy points Lesean Mccoy got me this week to bring the Rainbow Jizzstains to a record of 6-4.  Stay interesting my friends.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Video of the day!

I don't mean mug, I shoulder shrug.

Well it's Monday, the nations most hated day of the calendar week, and for once it lives up to that billing for yours truly.  But that's not why I'm blogging for the first time since I was writing scathing messages directed at my football team the Philadelphia Eagles, really I have no reason other than time on my hands, and masturbation only takes up so much time so here I am.  So let's get to some news stories I'd like to comment on shall we? What's up with this Herman Cain fellow? And is it just me or are this years group of Republican candidates even more laughably bad than Bush could have ever been.  Even Bob Dole thinks these guys, and alien cyborg Bachmann, are less interesting than a book about how string cheese is made.  As a registered democrat, I find myself at a loss for how candidates for president have gone the path of Adam Sandler movies; At first they were really good and pretty hilarious, and now they're just pathetic and sad.  I think even Bachmann and Perry would support abortion if it meant we would've killed Adam Sandler's career 10 years ago.  Seriously Adam, WHAT THE FUCK?, as your biggest fan into the early 2000s, why did you decide to face rape your loyal fans for the past decade?  I'm just waiting for your final film, you farting on a fans face while you wackoff into $100 bills.  So if anyone reading this decides it's a good idea to use precious time in your life to watch Jack & Jill, if you're too afraid to off yourself, do us all a favor and buy a ticket to a different movie so as to not continue the disease that is Sandler.  How about some sports commentary? Yeah? Let's do it.  Tim Tebow reminds me of the Cleveland Indians from Major League.  The whole organization wants him to fail so bad and they can't do it!  Look out for that team to cut their best players, hell they already unloaded their best WR Lloyd.  Watch them sign Tiki Barber this week, because their top 2 rbs are "hurt".  From now on I'm calling Tebow Christian Wild Thing.  You should too.  Time for some social commentary.  I'm sick of all forms of machismo, it is patently insecure douche bag behavior.  We get it dude, if you don't tell me that you would fuck every girl that walks past you at the mall, I might question your sexual preference and ridicule you for being different, but the fact is I'm going to do that anyways, and just because we happen to be standing next to each other, doesn't make us friends.  Go drown your insecurities at Heat, or Hush, or Vinyl, or whatever club you drones troll for pussy with daddy issues.  One more thing before I go. Last night at Applebees a lovely young bartender had a little trouble with what I presume was a daiquiri, and it shot out some liquid towards her.  If you don't know where this is headed, stop reading and watch The Office now.  She asked me, "Did it get in my hair?", to which I responded "No, but, that's what she said!" then I high fived my friends and I won the night. The end.

Oh and I may as well do weekly picks, so tonight's MNF affair I'll go Packers 34 Vikings 30.  Look out for Ponder, he looks an awful lot like that asshole who wouldn't go away.