Monday, November 14, 2011

I don't mean mug, I shoulder shrug.

Well it's Monday, the nations most hated day of the calendar week, and for once it lives up to that billing for yours truly.  But that's not why I'm blogging for the first time since I was writing scathing messages directed at my football team the Philadelphia Eagles, really I have no reason other than time on my hands, and masturbation only takes up so much time so here I am.  So let's get to some news stories I'd like to comment on shall we? What's up with this Herman Cain fellow? And is it just me or are this years group of Republican candidates even more laughably bad than Bush could have ever been.  Even Bob Dole thinks these guys, and alien cyborg Bachmann, are less interesting than a book about how string cheese is made.  As a registered democrat, I find myself at a loss for how candidates for president have gone the path of Adam Sandler movies; At first they were really good and pretty hilarious, and now they're just pathetic and sad.  I think even Bachmann and Perry would support abortion if it meant we would've killed Adam Sandler's career 10 years ago.  Seriously Adam, WHAT THE FUCK?, as your biggest fan into the early 2000s, why did you decide to face rape your loyal fans for the past decade?  I'm just waiting for your final film, you farting on a fans face while you wackoff into $100 bills.  So if anyone reading this decides it's a good idea to use precious time in your life to watch Jack & Jill, if you're too afraid to off yourself, do us all a favor and buy a ticket to a different movie so as to not continue the disease that is Sandler.  How about some sports commentary? Yeah? Let's do it.  Tim Tebow reminds me of the Cleveland Indians from Major League.  The whole organization wants him to fail so bad and they can't do it!  Look out for that team to cut their best players, hell they already unloaded their best WR Lloyd.  Watch them sign Tiki Barber this week, because their top 2 rbs are "hurt".  From now on I'm calling Tebow Christian Wild Thing.  You should too.  Time for some social commentary.  I'm sick of all forms of machismo, it is patently insecure douche bag behavior.  We get it dude, if you don't tell me that you would fuck every girl that walks past you at the mall, I might question your sexual preference and ridicule you for being different, but the fact is I'm going to do that anyways, and just because we happen to be standing next to each other, doesn't make us friends.  Go drown your insecurities at Heat, or Hush, or Vinyl, or whatever club you drones troll for pussy with daddy issues.  One more thing before I go. Last night at Applebees a lovely young bartender had a little trouble with what I presume was a daiquiri, and it shot out some liquid towards her.  If you don't know where this is headed, stop reading and watch The Office now.  She asked me, "Did it get in my hair?", to which I responded "No, but, that's what she said!" then I high fived my friends and I won the night. The end.

Oh and I may as well do weekly picks, so tonight's MNF affair I'll go Packers 34 Vikings 30.  Look out for Ponder, he looks an awful lot like that asshole who wouldn't go away.

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