The woman alone at the bar and the asshole who made it happen

So I was at a bar the other night and I noticed a woman in her mid 40s (I guess, I was not sober so who knows) and she was alone at the bar.  Now she arrived at the bar around the same time me and my group of friends did, and whatever, she's waiting on her friends or a guy, I'm gonna drink and play poorly at darts, which, sidebar for a second, I suck at darts.  And I'm totally fine with playing darts and being shitty doing so, but it always seems like people get mad at me when I suck, even after telling me "oh it doesn't matter just play!". Inevitably I don't take it seriously, because it's fucking darts, and my teammate will always get frustrated! I just told you I sucked, and you completely disregarded that statement and handed me darts anyways. So you sir, are the asshole, not me. 

Anyways back to the lonely milf at the bar (milf is more appropriate than cougar here since this was not really a cougar bar perse, and she was attractive enough that I would indeed sleep with her, thus the milf moniker).  So as were playing a shitty game of darts, I start to notice, nobody is showing up to hang with this lady.  I start thinking of why she's by herself...did she come here to watch football? Seems far fetched that a woman her age would be dressed nicely to go to a bar by herself to watch Tebow get massacred by the Patriots.  Was she meeting friends? Not likely since she's been here an hour, and she doesn't strike me as an alcoholic. 

No no, this girl is has stood up written all over her. So as I'm contemplating asking this woman what the deal is, because really she'd become a human interest for me at that point, I start thinking about this asshole (who still really may or may not exist, I never gathered the balls to talk to her because I wasn't quite drunk enough) and why he would do this to a seemingly nice person.  Now here's where I infer my own story, because all of this is predicated on the fact that she was indeed ditched by some douche bag.

What kind of piece of shit motherfucking asshole/bitch bails on a another person with no explanation, call, text, facebook message, etc.?  We live in an age of technology people, if someone doesn't respond to your text within 24 hours (That's being really liberal, usually more like 4 hours if not during work hours) that means that person probably hates you or has no interest in ever hanging out with you. Or they're a drug addict. Or they lost their phone. Definitely one of those. 

But seriously why wouldn't you make up some bullshit excuse at least? That's a person you're ditching, they have feelings, let them know, don't let them drink alone at a fucking bar by themselves watching the shittiest playoff game of all time (slight exaggeration).  If you ditch a person on a date, I don't care if you met them online and have never actually met them, without some sort of forewarning, you are a gigantic piece of shit and I hate you.  Good luck with the whole not having a conscience thing and I hope someday you get excited to hang out with someone and they do the same god damn thing to you.

Gourmet Cupcakes & Scrabble

So I saw a bumper sticker that said "I play scrabble...and I Vote!" Which amazed me because I figured that the board game demographic was pretty much the most dependable for community participation.  I mean the average Scrabble player is about 92 years old and pretty much their priorities are play scrabble, vote, and try not to shit their pants.  One of those is far more difficult than the other two, which is why Depends exist.  How is there even a market for that kind of obvious bumper sticker? Here are some other bumper sticker ideas I'm sure they missed out on:
- I live in Detroit...and I'm unemployed!
- I go to Syracuse...and I've had sex with Laura and Bernie Fine!
- I live in Arkansas...and my wife is my sister!
- I live in America...and I subscribe to the illusion that my vote counts!

Anyways my friend told me the other night that people have the false notion that he is the type of person who eats gourmet cupcakes.  Now I don't know a single person on the face of the earth that I would ever peg as a "gourmet cupcake guy" because that conversation would never happen between two people. I offer this fictional scenario:
Guy 1 : Dude I bet you that dude loves cupcakes.
Guy 2: Nah, by the looks of him and the way he talks and acts, he definitely doesn't just eat any cupcake. This guy is all about handmade, upscale restaurant, gourmet motherfucking cupcakes.
Guy 1: Is this conversation really happening?
Guy 2: I guess in some one's vast imagination, it already did.

Before I go, just know that if you ever overhear a old person tell someone they don't have any change, you tell them they're full of shit, and you rob them.

Happy Holidays everybody!

RIP Patrice