Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Real Steel: A review (it's not good)

So I was driving yesterday and got a wild hair up my ass to go see a movie at the lovely dollar theatre (it was Tuesday so it was literally $1!) and my goal was to see a movie I would never watch with another person at any point ever.

Mission accomplished.

Real Steel with Hugh Jackman, a movie that is literally about robot boxing.  I'm not kidding they talked about it like the entire duration of the movie, it was insane. Anyways this movie follows every lame plot line for every movie ever made pretty much.  Hugh Jackman plays a deadbeat dad, a deadbeat former boxer, a deadbeat gambler, basically every piece of shit quality a person can have, he has.  But he looks like Hugh Jackman so you pretty much know how this ends. He's got the false confidence that every degenerate gambler has, and he brings his dumb robots to fight and inevitably they lose to a bull (not kidding) or another better robot fighter.  According to Jackmans character, robot boxing is the logical next progression after UFC, which makes sense if you've taken way too many blows to the head in your life.

So I'll just sum up all that happens in one long run on sentence, he gets his kid, doesn't care about him, then the kid slides like 30 stories down a cliff like it's a water slide, suffers no injuries of course because that happens, and is saved by his underwear catching on a robot arm. I cannot make this shit up, and that's apparently why I can't write movies. So blah blah he ends up wanting the kid, they dig out the shit robot that he caught on before plummeting to his death(Actually he probably would bounce of the ground I assume, kids movie right?) and the robot wins all his fights inexplicably, and I assume* he beats the big bad Zeus robot who is of course controlled by a wunderkind Asian dude with no emotions.

Seriously did the people who made this shit just watch all the Rocky movies in sequence and decide to replace Stallone with a robot?(Actually that doesn't sound that implausible, I'm sure a robot has as much range as Stallone).  The middle of this movie is the height of unintentional comedy but other than that, there is absolutely no reason to ever subject yourself to this excruciatingly stupid movie.  Oh and no robot on human violence?! Come on! Oh and one more thing, after the second fight Jackmans bot loses, his son asks him "do you even think before you do things?" and I honestly can't tell if he's talking to Jackman, the people who made this movie, or me for being in the theatre watching. The answer is no on all counts.

*I assume because I left the movie before the big showdown between shit bot and big bad emotionless Asian guy bot, because I finally had better things to do!

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