Watch this, it's funny.

Being impractical but retaining value

I recently came to the realization that in my current situation (Unemployed and living with parents) I am almost completely useless to the world at large. I am contributing nothing to the economy other than my consistent alcohol consumption and the regular visits to fast food chains as well, which are hardly positives in my mind.  No I really have made no effort to contribute to society in any way shape or form of late. Also, even when I do eventually rejoin the workforce, I have no interest in doing a job well or climbing the proverbial corporate ladder.  Long story short, nothing really matters to me beyond some close personal relationships, which is what helps me retain value on this place we call earth.

I spend most of my days wasting time on the Internet to be perfectly honest. When I'm not, I'm usually texting, which is part of where my value as a person comes into play.  I consider myself to be a generally cool dude, not bragging I just get the sense that most of my friends enjoy having conversations with me, and vice-verse. People just want to be heard, they want to divulge information to others, and they want the people they care about to be engaged into their life and comment on it.  That's pretty much my specialty.

The biggest thing I like to provide to those I care about is blunt honesty. I don't have time for bullshit, so why should it be present in my closest relationships? It shouldn't, and if you're currently lying to your friends, you don't have a relationship with them.  I'm not saying go and hurt your friends feelings that's stupid, but when someone asks you for relationship advice, life advice, or a what would you do scenario, just be honest. Friends will appreciate it, people that don't probably weren't your friend to begin with.

So I guess my point is we all have some value in society, sometimes it's just not obvious. If you have even one friend who cares about you and needs you around, then you have value. The key is to strive for more, and in my case to strive for practical value.  But procrastination is a bitch, so for now, here I remain, blogging.

Writers block or general malaise?

So I'm a lazy fuck and I know it.  I willingly choose to not better myself nearly every day that I continue to exist, and for that I feel pretty guilty.  After becoming unemployed recently, it has become blatantly obvious that I use most of my free time to watch internet videos, watch netflix, watch tv, drink beer, talk to women, get ignored by women, get told to "stop staring at me" by women.  Anyways, you get the picture, I'm wasting inordinate amounts of time on trivial crap and it is wearing me out.

Tomorrow is March 19th, 2012, but it is also the day I make a full fledged attempt at contributing to society in some way that doesn't involve leaving a comment on someone elses facebook status.  I mean I'm in the 99.4 percentile of ESPN trivia for gods sake! At the current moment apparently 2883 people have less of a life than me, but that number is dwindling every day! Change isn't an option anymore, I've gotten fat now too. I'm officially fat and lazy, which disgusts me to no end. 

So no more of this I say. I'm introducing a little thing I like to call 'structure' to my life. Anyways this is a really boring blog entry and for that I apologize. Call it a public note to self.  Don't worry, this will be part of my structure, to write attempts at funny blog entries every night.

The incomparable whatever

I'm tired of the use of the word "incomparable". It's nearly always used to describe a person, typically a celebrity of some sort, and I've never understood it for a second. To me, everyone is comparable, every single person on the planet, no matter how unique they may be.

Now I'm not totally unaware of expressions. People often speak in hyperbole to magnify the relative importance of a person. But incomparable? The definition of incomparable is a subject for which comparison is impossible.

So...when is it impossible to compare a celebrity to another person? We all have similar qualities in some respect. Nobody is totally different from someone else, just like nobody is exactly the same as someone else. Which is why I say we can compare anyone to anyone.

Is Hitler incomparable? I'd compare other genocidal lunatics with him probably. Now, is his genocide of the Jewish people incomparable? Possibly since I can't think of anyone else who tried such a venture. But in general, killing people is typically comparable.

Is Michael Jordan incomparable? Not at all. But that's sports, and if you play the same sport as someone else, you can be compared to them. I could compare my basketball abilities to Jordan's, and while my abilities are dwarfed (And would be even if I stayed 24 forever and played against a 75 yr old Jordan).

So all I'm saying is everyone is essentially comparable. Even the greatest comic to ever live, George Carlin, is comparable. But I wouldn't recommend comparing yourself to him since it may result in a feeling of crippling ineptitude.

So the next time I talk about a person that is greater than everyone else, I will say "The preposterously talented Louis CK!" Go ahead and use that at your leisure.

Funny Tim & Eric interview

Tim and Eric Stop by Good Day: MyFoxAUSTIN.com

Work Bloggin!

Small talk needs to fucking die.  It has no place in our lives.  I'm not even referring to "how was your day?" or "What's up?" because those are just conversation starters and I'd be quite the asshole, well a bigger asshole if I had a problem with those cursory statements.  I'm talking about "how was work?", comments on the weather we all are well aware of as fellow living things, and just things we generally don't care about, like people I don't know and don't care about, mostly celebrities and your family.

I love my family. Love them. But do I talk about what my sister is going to school for ever? Absolutely never.  Is that because I have no clue what she goes to school for? Noooo. That fact is irrelevant. She goes for something, I'm pretty sure. If you're reading this Adrianna, let me know sometime, love you! Anyways, wasn't that last sentence the most boring thing you've ever read? Precisely my point.

So don't tell me about your daughter's ballet recital.  Unless she's single, attractive (to me) and over 18.

Don't show me pictures of your baby, all babies look the same to me, actually most people under the age of 17 look the same to me, so forget them too.

Your dog is boring.  I have a cat I love. Wanna hear about him? google the word cat, that should sum it up.

Your work is boring, if you hear me talk about mattresses for more than 10 consecutive seconds you have permission to slap me across the face.

Don't talk to me about sports that aren't on ESPN or are soccer. That's a personal one, just an FYI.

And if this offends you in any way, good news, you don't have to talk to me! We both win! Well mostly me but whatever!  Good luck and take my advice and be interesting, people will love you or hate you, and that's better than getting stuck in shit conversations with people you hate right?

The curious thoughts of a sociopath

Last night I watched Young Adult, a movie about a sexy, interesting, albeit sociopathic woman (Charlize Theron, whose looks make her unmitigated lunacy tolerable) who for reasons only she understands, thinks it is a foregone conclusion that she will be with her old high school flame, even though this is over fifteen years later and he has a kid and wife. Patton Oswalt's character attempts to help her see the folly of her plan, but she can't even comprehend the idea that it won't work.  Such is the way of all the sociopaths we know right?

So what is it that is missing from sociopaths brain that makes them this way?  From what I've experienced with people I suspect of having this mental illness, I don't think it is a total lack of emotional attachment.  In fact these people seem to become so fixated on certain people that their emotions are directly related to how those people view them.  Their biggest fear is that those people who validate their misguided point of view, in most cases out of fear of hurting the sociopaths feelings, will leave them behind in life.

My thinking is most sociopaths are extremely depressed, but are completely unaware of that fact.  Their relationships are all hollow and have no real meaning because simply put, people don't trust them, and why would we? These are people that will take every advantage of us and not feel an ounce of guilt about doing so.  Their concern for our well being is shallow and selfish, since the only reason they have us as a friend is to validate their warped view of reality like I said earlier. 

Yet typically we all have a friend or two like this, and it's not because we need them, not even close.  Our lives would be better off, sometimes dramatically better, as this is always a one way relationship which benefits only the sociopath. So why do we allow these people into our lives and have such a difficult time separating from them? Because we're not sociopaths. Because we care about the well being of people, and because of that fact we think it our duty to help these people in whatever way we can.  But the harsh reality is we can't do anything.

So in the end of the movie (Spoiler alert), and as is the case with sociopaths, Therons character is completely depressed about her life, and in comes the concerned friend who tells her that all of her life is totally perfect and she doesn't need to change, and that is all she needs to hear. 

Because for sociopaths, being right is all that matters, and it's not them that needs to change, it's everyone else.  So if a sociopath is reading this, you're perfect! Disregard everything I just wrote and continue on with your awesome life!