Writers block or general malaise?

So I'm a lazy fuck and I know it.  I willingly choose to not better myself nearly every day that I continue to exist, and for that I feel pretty guilty.  After becoming unemployed recently, it has become blatantly obvious that I use most of my free time to watch internet videos, watch netflix, watch tv, drink beer, talk to women, get ignored by women, get told to "stop staring at me" by women.  Anyways, you get the picture, I'm wasting inordinate amounts of time on trivial crap and it is wearing me out.

Tomorrow is March 19th, 2012, but it is also the day I make a full fledged attempt at contributing to society in some way that doesn't involve leaving a comment on someone elses facebook status.  I mean I'm in the 99.4 percentile of ESPN trivia for gods sake! At the current moment apparently 2883 people have less of a life than me, but that number is dwindling every day! Change isn't an option anymore, I've gotten fat now too. I'm officially fat and lazy, which disgusts me to no end. 

So no more of this I say. I'm introducing a little thing I like to call 'structure' to my life. Anyways this is a really boring blog entry and for that I apologize. Call it a public note to self.  Don't worry, this will be part of my structure, to write attempts at funny blog entries every night.

The incomparable whatever

I'm tired of the use of the word "incomparable". It's nearly always used to describe a person, typically a celebrity of some sort, and I've never understood it for a second. To me, everyone is comparable, every single person on the planet, no matter how unique they may be.

Now I'm not totally unaware of expressions. People often speak in hyperbole to magnify the relative importance of a person. But incomparable? The definition of incomparable is a subject for which comparison is impossible.

So...when is it impossible to compare a celebrity to another person? We all have similar qualities in some respect. Nobody is totally different from someone else, just like nobody is exactly the same as someone else. Which is why I say we can compare anyone to anyone.

Is Hitler incomparable? I'd compare other genocidal lunatics with him probably. Now, is his genocide of the Jewish people incomparable? Possibly since I can't think of anyone else who tried such a venture. But in general, killing people is typically comparable.

Is Michael Jordan incomparable? Not at all. But that's sports, and if you play the same sport as someone else, you can be compared to them. I could compare my basketball abilities to Jordan's, and while my abilities are dwarfed (And would be even if I stayed 24 forever and played against a 75 yr old Jordan).

So all I'm saying is everyone is essentially comparable. Even the greatest comic to ever live, George Carlin, is comparable. But I wouldn't recommend comparing yourself to him since it may result in a feeling of crippling ineptitude.

So the next time I talk about a person that is greater than everyone else, I will say "The preposterously talented Louis CK!" Go ahead and use that at your leisure.

Funny Tim & Eric interview

Tim and Eric Stop by Good Day: MyFoxAUSTIN.com

Work Bloggin!

Small talk needs to fucking die.  It has no place in our lives.  I'm not even referring to "how was your day?" or "What's up?" because those are just conversation starters and I'd be quite the asshole, well a bigger asshole if I had a problem with those cursory statements.  I'm talking about "how was work?", comments on the weather we all are well aware of as fellow living things, and just things we generally don't care about, like people I don't know and don't care about, mostly celebrities and your family.

I love my family. Love them. But do I talk about what my sister is going to school for ever? Absolutely never.  Is that because I have no clue what she goes to school for? Noooo. That fact is irrelevant. She goes for something, I'm pretty sure. If you're reading this Adrianna, let me know sometime, love you! Anyways, wasn't that last sentence the most boring thing you've ever read? Precisely my point.

So don't tell me about your daughter's ballet recital.  Unless she's single, attractive (to me) and over 18.

Don't show me pictures of your baby, all babies look the same to me, actually most people under the age of 17 look the same to me, so forget them too.

Your dog is boring.  I have a cat I love. Wanna hear about him? google the word cat, that should sum it up.

Your work is boring, if you hear me talk about mattresses for more than 10 consecutive seconds you have permission to slap me across the face.

Don't talk to me about sports that aren't on ESPN or are soccer. That's a personal one, just an FYI.

And if this offends you in any way, good news, you don't have to talk to me! We both win! Well mostly me but whatever!  Good luck and take my advice and be interesting, people will love you or hate you, and that's better than getting stuck in shit conversations with people you hate right?

The curious thoughts of a sociopath

Last night I watched Young Adult, a movie about a sexy, interesting, albeit sociopathic woman (Charlize Theron, whose looks make her unmitigated lunacy tolerable) who for reasons only she understands, thinks it is a foregone conclusion that she will be with her old high school flame, even though this is over fifteen years later and he has a kid and wife. Patton Oswalt's character attempts to help her see the folly of her plan, but she can't even comprehend the idea that it won't work.  Such is the way of all the sociopaths we know right?

So what is it that is missing from sociopaths brain that makes them this way?  From what I've experienced with people I suspect of having this mental illness, I don't think it is a total lack of emotional attachment.  In fact these people seem to become so fixated on certain people that their emotions are directly related to how those people view them.  Their biggest fear is that those people who validate their misguided point of view, in most cases out of fear of hurting the sociopaths feelings, will leave them behind in life.

My thinking is most sociopaths are extremely depressed, but are completely unaware of that fact.  Their relationships are all hollow and have no real meaning because simply put, people don't trust them, and why would we? These are people that will take every advantage of us and not feel an ounce of guilt about doing so.  Their concern for our well being is shallow and selfish, since the only reason they have us as a friend is to validate their warped view of reality like I said earlier. 

Yet typically we all have a friend or two like this, and it's not because we need them, not even close.  Our lives would be better off, sometimes dramatically better, as this is always a one way relationship which benefits only the sociopath. So why do we allow these people into our lives and have such a difficult time separating from them? Because we're not sociopaths. Because we care about the well being of people, and because of that fact we think it our duty to help these people in whatever way we can.  But the harsh reality is we can't do anything.

So in the end of the movie (Spoiler alert), and as is the case with sociopaths, Therons character is completely depressed about her life, and in comes the concerned friend who tells her that all of her life is totally perfect and she doesn't need to change, and that is all she needs to hear. 

Because for sociopaths, being right is all that matters, and it's not them that needs to change, it's everyone else.  So if a sociopath is reading this, you're perfect! Disregard everything I just wrote and continue on with your awesome life!

What in the fuck are we doing here?

Questions that need answers

Has anyone ever gotten past 3 games of bowling? I swear 1 frame into the 3rd game me and everyone I'm with have mentally checked out on any attempt at achieving a solid score.  Unless you're 12 and the only thing you're focused on is throwing 2 balls through your buddy's legs and hitting the pin clearing machine (I assume that's what it's called).

Has anyone told Meatloaf about divorce? You really have no obligation to love her til the end of time Mr. Loaf.

I assume that when we think nobody is watching, we all get really weird. Is that a correct assumption?

Why is jokingly saying I hope a person gets AIDS far less offensive than I hope a person gets cancer? Because you're homophobic that's why.

Why doesn't life ever give us limes? Apparently the lucky bastard who invented Sprite got both.

1 K is fine. 2 Ks is acceptable. 3 Ks is wildly offensive.

Do people with speech impediments avoid any word ending with 'igger' to avoid being mistakenly thought a racist? Talking about a certain Winnie the Pooh character would concern me greatly.

Why do people tell me I'm not eating right? I put the food in my mouth, chew it, swallow it. Is there more to it that I'm missing?

How come the only time wind is considered "tricky" is during football games? Tricky hurricane force winds would be extra terrifying to me.

I think it's great that we live in a tolerant world in which bygones can be left to be bygones without persecution.