Monday, January 30, 2012

The curious thoughts of a sociopath

Last night I watched Young Adult, a movie about a sexy, interesting, albeit sociopathic woman (Charlize Theron, whose looks make her unmitigated lunacy tolerable) who for reasons only she understands, thinks it is a foregone conclusion that she will be with her old high school flame, even though this is over fifteen years later and he has a kid and wife. Patton Oswalt's character attempts to help her see the folly of her plan, but she can't even comprehend the idea that it won't work.  Such is the way of all the sociopaths we know right?

So what is it that is missing from sociopaths brain that makes them this way?  From what I've experienced with people I suspect of having this mental illness, I don't think it is a total lack of emotional attachment.  In fact these people seem to become so fixated on certain people that their emotions are directly related to how those people view them.  Their biggest fear is that those people who validate their misguided point of view, in most cases out of fear of hurting the sociopaths feelings, will leave them behind in life.

My thinking is most sociopaths are extremely depressed, but are completely unaware of that fact.  Their relationships are all hollow and have no real meaning because simply put, people don't trust them, and why would we? These are people that will take every advantage of us and not feel an ounce of guilt about doing so.  Their concern for our well being is shallow and selfish, since the only reason they have us as a friend is to validate their warped view of reality like I said earlier. 

Yet typically we all have a friend or two like this, and it's not because we need them, not even close.  Our lives would be better off, sometimes dramatically better, as this is always a one way relationship which benefits only the sociopath. So why do we allow these people into our lives and have such a difficult time separating from them? Because we're not sociopaths. Because we care about the well being of people, and because of that fact we think it our duty to help these people in whatever way we can.  But the harsh reality is we can't do anything.

So in the end of the movie (Spoiler alert), and as is the case with sociopaths, Therons character is completely depressed about her life, and in comes the concerned friend who tells her that all of her life is totally perfect and she doesn't need to change, and that is all she needs to hear. 

Because for sociopaths, being right is all that matters, and it's not them that needs to change, it's everyone else.  So if a sociopath is reading this, you're perfect! Disregard everything I just wrote and continue on with your awesome life!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Questions that need answers

Has anyone ever gotten past 3 games of bowling? I swear 1 frame into the 3rd game me and everyone I'm with have mentally checked out on any attempt at achieving a solid score.  Unless you're 12 and the only thing you're focused on is throwing 2 balls through your buddy's legs and hitting the pin clearing machine (I assume that's what it's called).

Has anyone told Meatloaf about divorce? You really have no obligation to love her til the end of time Mr. Loaf.

I assume that when we think nobody is watching, we all get really weird. Is that a correct assumption?

Why is jokingly saying I hope a person gets AIDS far less offensive than I hope a person gets cancer? Because you're homophobic that's why.

Why doesn't life ever give us limes? Apparently the lucky bastard who invented Sprite got both.

1 K is fine. 2 Ks is acceptable. 3 Ks is wildly offensive.

Do people with speech impediments avoid any word ending with 'igger' to avoid being mistakenly thought a racist? Talking about a certain Winnie the Pooh character would concern me greatly.

Why do people tell me I'm not eating right? I put the food in my mouth, chew it, swallow it. Is there more to it that I'm missing?

How come the only time wind is considered "tricky" is during football games? Tricky hurricane force winds would be extra terrifying to me.

I think it's great that we live in a tolerant world in which bygones can be left to be bygones without persecution.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Real Steel: A review (it's not good)

So I was driving yesterday and got a wild hair up my ass to go see a movie at the lovely dollar theatre (it was Tuesday so it was literally $1!) and my goal was to see a movie I would never watch with another person at any point ever.

Mission accomplished.

Real Steel with Hugh Jackman, a movie that is literally about robot boxing.  I'm not kidding they talked about it like the entire duration of the movie, it was insane. Anyways this movie follows every lame plot line for every movie ever made pretty much.  Hugh Jackman plays a deadbeat dad, a deadbeat former boxer, a deadbeat gambler, basically every piece of shit quality a person can have, he has.  But he looks like Hugh Jackman so you pretty much know how this ends. He's got the false confidence that every degenerate gambler has, and he brings his dumb robots to fight and inevitably they lose to a bull (not kidding) or another better robot fighter.  According to Jackmans character, robot boxing is the logical next progression after UFC, which makes sense if you've taken way too many blows to the head in your life.

So I'll just sum up all that happens in one long run on sentence, he gets his kid, doesn't care about him, then the kid slides like 30 stories down a cliff like it's a water slide, suffers no injuries of course because that happens, and is saved by his underwear catching on a robot arm. I cannot make this shit up, and that's apparently why I can't write movies. So blah blah he ends up wanting the kid, they dig out the shit robot that he caught on before plummeting to his death(Actually he probably would bounce of the ground I assume, kids movie right?) and the robot wins all his fights inexplicably, and I assume* he beats the big bad Zeus robot who is of course controlled by a wunderkind Asian dude with no emotions.

Seriously did the people who made this shit just watch all the Rocky movies in sequence and decide to replace Stallone with a robot?(Actually that doesn't sound that implausible, I'm sure a robot has as much range as Stallone).  The middle of this movie is the height of unintentional comedy but other than that, there is absolutely no reason to ever subject yourself to this excruciatingly stupid movie.  Oh and no robot on human violence?! Come on! Oh and one more thing, after the second fight Jackmans bot loses, his son asks him "do you even think before you do things?" and I honestly can't tell if he's talking to Jackman, the people who made this movie, or me for being in the theatre watching. The answer is no on all counts.

*I assume because I left the movie before the big showdown between shit bot and big bad emotionless Asian guy bot, because I finally had better things to do!

Monday, January 16, 2012

The woman alone at the bar and the asshole who made it happen

So I was at a bar the other night and I noticed a woman in her mid 40s (I guess, I was not sober so who knows) and she was alone at the bar.  Now she arrived at the bar around the same time me and my group of friends did, and whatever, she's waiting on her friends or a guy, I'm gonna drink and play poorly at darts, which, sidebar for a second, I suck at darts.  And I'm totally fine with playing darts and being shitty doing so, but it always seems like people get mad at me when I suck, even after telling me "oh it doesn't matter just play!". Inevitably I don't take it seriously, because it's fucking darts, and my teammate will always get frustrated! I just told you I sucked, and you completely disregarded that statement and handed me darts anyways. So you sir, are the asshole, not me. 

Anyways back to the lonely milf at the bar (milf is more appropriate than cougar here since this was not really a cougar bar perse, and she was attractive enough that I would indeed sleep with her, thus the milf moniker).  So as were playing a shitty game of darts, I start to notice, nobody is showing up to hang with this lady.  I start thinking of why she's by herself...did she come here to watch football? Seems far fetched that a woman her age would be dressed nicely to go to a bar by herself to watch Tebow get massacred by the Patriots.  Was she meeting friends? Not likely since she's been here an hour, and she doesn't strike me as an alcoholic. 

No no, this girl is has stood up written all over her. So as I'm contemplating asking this woman what the deal is, because really she'd become a human interest for me at that point, I start thinking about this asshole (who still really may or may not exist, I never gathered the balls to talk to her because I wasn't quite drunk enough) and why he would do this to a seemingly nice person.  Now here's where I infer my own story, because all of this is predicated on the fact that she was indeed ditched by some douche bag.

What kind of piece of shit motherfucking asshole/bitch bails on a another person with no explanation, call, text, facebook message, etc.?  We live in an age of technology people, if someone doesn't respond to your text within 24 hours (That's being really liberal, usually more like 4 hours if not during work hours) that means that person probably hates you or has no interest in ever hanging out with you. Or they're a drug addict. Or they lost their phone. Definitely one of those. 

But seriously why wouldn't you make up some bullshit excuse at least? That's a person you're ditching, they have feelings, let them know, don't let them drink alone at a fucking bar by themselves watching the shittiest playoff game of all time (slight exaggeration).  If you ditch a person on a date, I don't care if you met them online and have never actually met them, without some sort of forewarning, you are a gigantic piece of shit and I hate you.  Good luck with the whole not having a conscience thing and I hope someday you get excited to hang out with someone and they do the same god damn thing to you.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

A conversation between me and my cat Mojames (Cat's perspective)

Me: Mo Mo!
Mojames: Yes, that is my name what uh whats up?
Me: Shmosh
Mojames: Yes we've established that my name is indeed a variation of mojames.
Me: What u doin?
Mojames: Uh kinda just walking around here as I do every day because you've basically made leaving verboten, and like I don't have a lot of job opportunities what with being locked in this house since forever so I'm kinda dependent on you people for sustenance. Fuckin sucks man.
Me: you're so damn cute!
Mojames: Thanks I appreciate the compliment I guess but I honestly have no concept of attractiveness, have you seen other cats? we all look exactly the same.  I'll honestly fuck anything at this point, and that includes your pillow.
Me: You're the best cat ever Mo!
Mojames: Really? I mean hooray I guess but what did I do? Be cute? Jesus you're fucking shallow, is nothing important other than my looks.
Me: Why are you so awesome?
Mojames: *Sigh* I...gotta get goin. can you please open your bedroom door so I can just leave without a fight.
*I pick him up and hug him*
Mojames: damnit, alright yay cool ya love me please just let me go!
*I set him down and let him out the door*
Mojames: I'll see ya in 5 minutes...

Monday, January 9, 2012

Hating the people on the TV box

The other day my cousin said he hated Kim Kardashian.  Now on the surface this seems like a perfectly logical statement about a preening, famous because her dad and her ridiculous hindquarters(ASS) and sex tapes with C list musicians, super slutbot with the personality of drywall, but dig deeper and realize hating this insignificant silicone moron is quite pointless and not worth any of our time.  I don't have enough time in my day to exercise hate towards a person I've a) never met and b) has zero effect on my day to day life.

We say it all the time, "hate is a strong word". Not as strong as violence, but still a fairly strong word in our vast dictionary of muscle bound words.  It's a strong emotion to feel hate towards someone, but hate can be both rational and irrational.  You can hate a general class of people or race, the latter making you a racist of course, the former for example would be hating the general clientele of Lady Jane's.  Neither can be considered really rational since like I said about the Kardashian bitch, you really don't know those people.  You know what they're about in general and you can stereotype of course, but that's pretty ignorant wouldn't you say?

Now the fun part, rational hate! I hate small talk! I hate going to JD Oxfords! I hate the options I have to be elected president of our country! I hate stupid motherfuckers! Ahhhhh that feels so good! See what I'm doing here? I have a passionate emotional feeling of negativity towards things I have first hand experienced and decided that those things inspire anger, frustration, and general unhappiness within me when I am subjected to them.  So now think about some things you think you hate (I thought of some things I thought I hated too for example mushrooms(nonpsychadellic!) I don't hate them I just dislike their taste, in other words, mushrooms don't upset me when they're in my food.) and think about if you really hate those things, people, and yes, the people on your television and radio.

Do you hate Ke$ha? Or are you just mad that a no talent super skank has a shit ton of money you will never in your life get to see? I for one, fall into the latter. So fuck that bitch, she doesn't get the hate from me, just grotesque envy of her vast wealth achieved by incomprehensible means.

Now a funny video I hope you don't HATE!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Wine and sandwiches

So for as long as I've been a fan of the NFL, there has always been an uproar for the unveiling of commercials at the Super Bowl.  Companies pay insane amounts of money to throw some shitty 30 second advertisement in the middle of the most hyped sporting event in America.  Notice I don't say world, since nobody outside this country, gives a damn about the NFL.  But back to the commercials, they're not supposed to be "shitty" they're supposed to be the best of the year.  The day after the game all the major media outlets do rankings for the commercials that were supposedly the best.

Now I'd be lying to you if I didn't admit to being excited for the commercials in previous years, what with my Philadelphia Eagles never being there so the game itself meant nothing, but I'm all done folks.  I realized recently that getting excited for advertisements for beer, life insurance, mixed nuts, and Doritos, was definitely one of the more depressing aspects of my life.  Now every so often, there are funny commercials, just like every so often you hear a song on a pop radio station you like, but that doesn't mean your family has to yell "shhhhhh!!" when the game goes to commercial.

Commercials are still advertisements for shit that you don't even need to know about.  We're all American adults, we know about Budweiser, we know about Doritos, and for the love of everything horrible to ever exist, we know about the repugnant, and offensively stupid Godaddy(Which for the record if you ever went to the site to "see more", I'm honestly astonished you read this far so congratulations!).  So that means every advertisement is essentially for kids, and as you just read and can easily deduce, those advertisements were for beer, empty calories, and tits. Gotta love it America, let's go Lions(50-1 odds go put 5 on them like I did)! And in case you didn't like this article, here's a commercial for Doritos!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

God arguments with dad

My dad texts me with some pretty hilarious stuff.  The other night he was in "Jesus Mode" and texting me about proverbs and whatnot, then like minutes later he's telling me how Family Guy Star Wars is the funniest thing ever.  Nice to know me and my dad have similar Friday nights but still if my dad wants to get high and read the bible while simultaneously watching family guy on adult swim I don't think he needs to inform me of that fact. 

This brings me to the next day when he texts me that he loves Jared Allen (football player) because he said "Thank you Jesus" after the game.  Now as old as my dad is getting, he somehow has gone in reverse on cynicism and is really like a puppy.  I think he even believes in Santa, he's happy like all the time.  But my dad gives me this idea like when people say they love Jesus in public that's a way to say we suck and we know it. I called bullshit because maybe that's what he thinks, but he doesn't know what anyone else is thinking when they say it.  He doesn't know Jared Allen thinks that, it's impossible. We can't read minds people. So believe what you believe, but don't praise unknown people.  They're on television, it's pretend.  Will Ferrell is not a cool guy (So I've heard). But god damnit that dude plays a great anchorman.

In summation, Jesus is getting way too much damn credit that's all the fuck I'm saying.

Bringing in some new talent!

In the coming days there will be 3 new people on this blog here with me.  They're all funny, interesting, and I'm betting they have a lot to say. We're not going to be on any set schedule or anything so be ready for a dose of reality at any time. Spread the word about this if you find anything I have to say interesting please!