Best of Twitter 8/22-8/28

Another installment of Best Tweets of the week! No rankings this week, but this is a top 10, so everyone else gets a honorable mention if they tweeted something decent or got a favorite out of yours truly, and if you sucked all week well what can I say? Delete your account I guess.

@ShelbyFero

A kid at this Welcome Week concert just said "on the outside I'm young but on the inside I'm old." On the outside I'm saying "fuck you."

@ChaseMit

Probably a bad sign if you ask your doctor if you have cancer and he says “big time”

@Australianimal

At a job interview: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" "in a mirror, just like I do today, duhhhh" "you're hired, here's $192,000"

@MattGoldich

Hey cool guy, don't audibly say "Wow" when you see a hot girl. You'll freak her out. Just make eye contact with her and mouth "Wow".

@0ddFellow

"Oh snap, the old Free Credit Report .Com band is dissing the new band... shit's about to get cray" - King Of All Ass Hats

@broseichas

No i do not wanna funnel a mountain dew

@3x1minus1

Piers Morgan is interviewing Jeff Foxwothy about a bible game show. America, wtf are we even doing anymore?

@TheKidJeremy

Working with Spike Jones on my new documentary where I try to meet Neve Campbell & Denise Richards called Where the Wild Things Are.

@ThatDJGallo
As always, I will vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to do the time change thingy were it's light later in the day all year.

@annielederman

At the Zoo instead of the gym. Pretty much the same. I'm sweaty, thirsty &considering letting one of these hairy animals rip off my spandex.

 

Best of Twitter 8/15-8/21

Very funny week in Twitterverse (That's a thing, trust me) Here's my top 10 (Yes I'm ranking them now, what would praise be without creating insecurity in folks? Exactly) Enjoy!

1. @_DanFisher Todd Akin: "It's clear that I misspoke, what I meant to say was, it's not rape cause a man has needs, and women are here to please us y'all"

2. @0ddfellow If you and your spouse have a joint Facebook account named JoeandMegan Smitherson then i'm sorry but you can't use the Internet anymore.

3. @vaguelyfunnydan A fun prank is to put dog shit in a paper bag then set someone's home on fire.

4. @ChaseMit Dead people can't hear you saying "Rest In Peace" so remind them frequently while they're still here.

5. @MaronzioVance Crimson Tide, Enemy Of The State, Beverly Hills Cop 2, and True Romance. My favorite Tony Scott films. I have no favorite Tyler Perry films

6. @beck_cellent It doesnt matter how broke i am...dropping my metrocard into garbage water is a deal breaker. Enjoy that singleride homelesspersonwhotweets

7. @JamesAshbery I'm very proud of myself for not watching TV in three weeks. Also, please send money so I can turn my electric back on.

8. @JeffPorper Augusta is proud to admit first two women today. Expects club house to be spotless by sundown.

9. @3x1minus1 Why does the band Train even exist?

10. @PAYNENDASSCMDY All the jobs I ever received where from recommendation from my white friends. All the bj's I received where because of bad white parents.

So there's this week's best, it will be seen by literally over 10 people! Talk about exposure right?!

My Adam Sandler Theory (It's indisputable)

My sister and I were discussing the relative merits to Adam Sandler's movies while watching Mr. Deeds (Granted not his best work, but still funny) when I had a realization. He became what he was supposed to be fighting. 

Bear with me* I have a point. Also if you didn't enjoy Billy Madison and/or Happy Gilmore, you have my permission to leave now.  Okay those who stuck around, You understand why those movies were so great? Let me describe Sandler's characters for you.

Billy Madison - A complete loser and idiot. Is wealthy but only because he lives off his dad's riches. Gets wasted all the time, before going back to 1st grade to get his dad's company. Learns lessons, beats hot shot executive, wins girl, comes out on top. Underdog overcomes odds.

Happy Gilmore - Loser dumped by girlfriend for being a failed hockey player. Realizes he has insane golfing ability. Beats hot shot golfer and wins girl. Underdog overcomes odds.

What is the common theme between them? Adam Sandler starts out as a failure of life, no girlfriend, no future, no purpose. Then through a series of absurd events, he comes out the victor in the end.

Agreed there is a theme there? Now let's lightly analyze his characters in Grown Ups & You don't mess with the Zohan. Those movies were by all accounts, disasters. I've watched both and came away regretting every second I spent watching these two abominations. Now here is a brief description of these two Sandler characters.

Grown Ups - Rich, successful, smoking hot wife played by Salma Hayek. Friends in the movie all have inferior positions in life. No underdog story here.

You don't mess with the Zohan - He plays a Israeli Special Forces Soldier. He is fawned over by all women, and sleeps with a multitude of women. Underdog? No. Loser? No.

So as you can see, it's obvious that Sandler as a cool guy is not cool with us. We want the loser. Whatever, I just hope I'm not the only one confused by Bobby Boucher as a rich guy married to Kate Beckinsale.

Best of Twitter 8/8-8/14

Twitter is the bane of my existence, but sometimes, people on there are very funny and I think they deserve their due props. Will I mention myself? I'm narcissistic enough to have a blog, so the answer is of course yes. Well enough of this bullshit explanation, let's get to the tweets!

@ShelbyFero

Using a quote to describe yourself is a fun way to say "unoriginal."

@ChrisRRegan

Romney at announcement wearing tie, no blazer. Ryan in blazer, no tie. HOLD ON TIGHT, AMERICA! [SFX: guitar shred]

@bigdoperob

I'd ask to see Paul Ryan's birth certificate but he looks like he was born during a fireworks show on the 4th in the bed of a Ford truck.

@ajfriedmanjokes

I'm trying to be more compassionate, but I'm finding it difficult since some of the people I know exist.

@ajfriedmanjokes

my therapist won't return my calls. Maybe I should stop referring to girls I meet at bars as my therapist.

@mikepolkjr

Can anyone recommend a good podcast that has five dudes talking on top of each other for 40 minutes too long?

@comedianvincel

Katy Perry's lyrics are like one long shitty facebook status.

@comedianvincel

TLC must really hate Zach Braff

Stop hating on shitty kids already!

What an outrage! Kids teasing a heavy set older woman, what monsters! What is wrong with those kids, and where are their parents?! They should be suspended, beaten, kicked off the bus, and excommunicated from the country!

Just a few things said during today's uproar over "Busgate".  So what is the issue at hand here really? Are kids really shittier than they were 10 years ago? I doubt it. I remember middle school, not great times for me whatsoever.  I was picked on for my voice, for my glasses, for dressing like a dork, and for being quiet (Funny how when I talked I was made fun of, and if I didn't I was STILL picked on). I dealt with it, hated the people that did it to me, and went on with my life.

Oh yeah, and along the way, I did my share of picking on others too, because, I was a shit kid too when it comes down to it. We all were. If there was someone below you on the social totem pole, guess what, they were your punching bag.

And yes, this extended beyond the confines of students. Lunch monitors got it on a daily basis. They were almost always older, obviously just working a part time job to supplement their Social Security to make ends meat. I know this now. But then? They were old losers who had nothing better to do than yell at me for talking too loud in study hall. I was quiet as I said, but I had friends that were bold enough to tell them these awful things to their face. It wasn't right, but did I laugh? Yes. Because I was a dumbass kid, and insulting teachers and any adult really was the height of hilarity.

Did those people deserve to have insults hurled at them from kids? Absolutely not. Did they expect restitution for what they endured while working? I'd assume not. They handled it professionally, and I truly do feel that kids cross the line a lot, but like I said, they're dumb, they're extraordinarily insecure in many cases, and most of all they're trying to impress their friends, which is the ultimate goal of anyone under the age of 17.

So put down your torches for a second and stop and think about the fact that you're ostracizing a bunch of kids for being shitty, when you know damn well you did plenty of things you probably regret to this day.  I feel bad for the woman, but I've heard they've raised over 50K for her so far so I'm pretty sure she'll be just fine.

P.S. If anybody wants to come make me cry and record it and put it on YouTube so I can get a bunch of charitable donations, just let me know the time and the place and I will be ready to make that money!

Lying is easier than you think

I was watching one of those crime shows about some wife who allegedly killed her husband, and I was feeling bad for the woman because she seemed so sincere with her innocent pleas, crying and looking like a woman who could not comprehend what was happening to her. It didn't make sense that this woman, seeming so innocent, could be capable of murder.

But then I started thinking, what if I was accused of murder, and it was true and I was guilty and I knew it. Faced with a life sentence in prison or execution most likely or at the very least a solid decade of prison life, I'm pretty sure I could muster up some pretty awesome acting skills to keep my ass safe from daily unwanted advances.

I'm a bad liar and I know it. But that's only because I'm sloppy with my lies for the most part. Being found out isn't much of a concern in most cases, since they're usually little lies mostly involving being too "tired".  But sometimes I'm a really good liar, which usually backfires since lying typically doesn't help situations but rather exacerbates the problems. Trust me (haha) I built a relationship on mountains of lies the size of Kilimanjaro.

I try to be honest in most situations, and when I do lie, it's either because I think the other person will be mad at me or disappointed in me if the truth slips out of my mouth or because I don't care about the person I'm lying to in the least. Not proud of the latter but it does happen, but you'd know damn well if I didn't care about you, and if those people don't, enjoy blissful unawareness.

But anyways, back to the point about liars on trial in a court of law(Are there other courts by the way? I'm going to start referring to basketball courts as a court of basketball).  My overall point is anyone can be lying, no matter how convincing, which is why evidence is so necessary. So the next time you see a crying woman looking so bewildered at the idea she would've killed her husband, remember the alternative to lying is living in a 8x10 cell for the rest of her life.

Social media & Me (A bizarre match)

Favstar. Instagram. Foursquare. Tweets that literally comprise of "What's up Twitter?". Asking for more followers because you're close to a certain number.


What the hell are we doing guys? Is this what society has come to these days? I'm just trying to understand, even in myself, why we seek validation from a group of mostly anonymous strangers we'll never meet. Why do we care where these people are? Why am I looking at a picture of sunsets all the time? I have questions, and I need answers to them.

Recently a really funny guy I only knew through Twitter, committed as us Tweeters call it, "Twittercide". (By the way, anything you do on Twitter, you change the word you use to put Twitter or "Tw" in front of said word, I know, this is what I'm talking about). He did it because it was building resentment within him, and I think that's a common theme with people who aren't completely consumed with themselves. I think everything I listed just speaks to the unnecessary "advances" in society.

Now I'm not saying everyone who uses those applications are self centered idiots(I have a Favstar, Foursquare, Twitter, Facebook, not Instagram, but that's mostly due to the fact I don't have a Smartphone), that's not the point I'm trying to make at all, if I even have a point. I'm just saying, there are people on Twitter who are "famous" for their Twitter accounts!What is this insanity?! Did these people set out to achieve ultimate Twitter fame? I'm not one to critique the goals of others, since I haven't achieved much myself, but you can cross of Twitter fame as a ultimate goal of mine.

Anyways, I've got 283 followers as of today. I'm not sure what that means. I assume some of them are somewhat entertained by my tweets sometimes. But for the most part you will find out on Twitter, the only reason people follow other people who aren't famous, is to be followed back. It's basically our way of saying "I'll only pretend to care about what you're saying if you promise to pretend to care about what I'm saying". I'll admit it, I unfollow people who aren't following me all the time for that reason.

So the final question, why do I do I occupy my time with all these things I clearly consider trivial at best? The easy answer is I am in fact self centered and consumed with people thinking I'm interesting and funny and giving me the attention I desperately seek in the real world. Which is probably true for the most part. Having a lot of time on my hands also plays a major factor. So yeah, that's probably it. Question, answered!

Anyways, follow me, like me, stalk me, send me lockets of your hair, whatever, just remember, if you don't care about other people, they don't care about you, and that's the only real takeaway I have from social media. The end.