Online dating tips from a seasoned veteran

*Before you read this, know that this isn't a guide to getting laid off internet dating, that shit is retardedly easy. There are stupid girls and guys all around us, find them, fuck them, do whatever you want with them, just stay the hell away from me with your STDs and mind numbing conversation topics that range from Jager Bombs to Jersey Shore.*

Okay so you want a relationship and you came to the internet to find such a thing eh? Well I can't say that it's the best idea you've ever had but treasure can be found in a trash heap every once in awhile. But you have to be smart, you have to put in effort, and you have to be willing to deal with a possibly very long trial and error period. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that the percentage of people finding a long lasting relationship on the first try on the internet is less than 1%. If it happens, well fuck me then I guess you should be the one writing this not me. But chances are you will step on a few land mines on your way to capturing the flag, and I'm here to help you navigate the mine fields as safely as possible.

1. Be yourself! - This one seems easy but it is one of the biggest obstacles of the internet dating world oddly enough. When you're having a tough time finding that perfect person, inevitably you start to try to expand your search, including people you never considered, and when that happens you start to adjust your strategy. Don't do that! If you smoke weed, be open about that shit. If you like to get down with World of Warcraft, don't try to impress the chick looking for a big country boy. That chick is retarded anyway, avoid her at all costs (Unless you are said big idiot country boy, yes I generalize, because I can and it's true most of the time and I'm an asshole). The best way to start a pointless relationship is pretending you're something you're not, so be the dorky pothead you know you are.

2.  Avoid the damaged goods aisle - Listen, if they seem a little fucked in the head on their profile, they're most likely bat shit crazy in person.  Most of these people include things like "Not looking for liars, cheaters, or assholes" or "I've been burned so many times before and just want a guy to treat me right" or "All guys are assholes and I hate them and my dad never loved me and you need to fix me PLEASE FUCKING FIX ME!" Okay I made the last one up for effect but you know what I mean. Seriously you need to make a note to possible suitors that you don't want a total piece of shit? That is an open invitation to the exact scumbag you're looking to avoid.

3. Don't take this shit seriously - It's just dating, remember that. You don't need to  say things like "Looking for my soul mate" Or "Looking for a serious relationship only", in fact, never ever do either of those things. Relationships take time to develop, there shouldn't be anything serious discussed on a first date. You know who wants a serious relationship immediately? Crazy people. Trust me, I've dated them, they're best left for each other. Don't mention anything about a relationship for at least a month of dating, and if they mention it in the first week, fuck* that noise and run for your fucking life. *Don't actually fuck that noise.

4. Don't be cliche - "Hey, how are you" <-----Are you kidding me with this bullshit introduction? Do you know how fucking boring you sound when you say "Hi, what's up?" You might as well say "Hey I've got nothing to say when I have time to craft an actual introduction, so talking to me in person will be as reading a coloring book." Also avoid making comments about their appearance right off the bat. They know they have pretty eyes, they've heard it a million times from a bunch of unoriginal douche bags with nothing else to say who think they're being flirty when in reality they're being embarrassingly shallow and illustrating how they didn't bother to read a sentence of their profile. Always mention something in their profile, always!

5. Get to the in person part ASAP - Online conversations are boring and who wants to get to know someone in the most impersonal way ever? My suggestion is establish that you're not a creep(Probably the hardest part, well for me anyway), set up a date in a place you can talk without distraction, and from there you are home free. Try not to meet at a bar if you don't have to, you don't need them to see you drunk...yet. Also if the person is real sketched out by meeting you so soon, just forget them. Obviously they are insanely cautious and have to have perfect circumstances where they know everything about you before they meet you, which is bizarre and a big red flag. If I wanted an Internet relationship, I'd go back in time and go in AOL chat rooms all day and night.

6. Don't be a little bitch - Did someone you thought was cool and cute and just for you not respond to your funny little line? Get over it! Sorry you're not the Adonis you tell yourself you are every day to every person on the planet. Internet dating is not for the weak minded. You can and will get rejected A LOT.  That girl you just messaged? She probably is sifting through over 30 dudes' messages, so like I said in #4, be as original as possible, but even when that is the case, sometimes a chick ain't attracted to you! It happens, and once you learn to deal with rejection and stop with sarcastic comments attempting to guilt a person into a date (Which to my knowledge has worked exactly 0 times ever) you will be able to navigate this world. Oh yeah, and remember you will be doing your share of rejecting to, you shallow asshole!

7. Keep it over 21 if you're over 21 - Dating younger is just not a good idea. And when I say younger, I mean the under 21 crowd. I know they can be more mature than their age, but just trust me on this. Do you remember yourself before 21? Exactly. Your friends go out to bars, do you really want someone pulling out their Maryland fake ID at the door while they're with you? Just saying, maturity isn't all about age, but the under 21 factory features the highest level of danger. But hey, if you like playing with fire, be my guest. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

8. Desperation stinks - This is more a tip in general, but on your profile don't mention anything about wanting a relationship "real bad" or how you miss being in a relationship. Play it cool. Like I said, it's not that serious of stuff folks. Your profile is your way of selling yourself. Think of it as a dating resume of sorts. Talk about your interests, throw a few jokes in there (My favorite was answering the question "What do you do on a typical Friday night?" To which I responded "Selling meth to the kids." hardee har har) and be nonchalant about the whole thing. Oh and stop with the "I can't believe I'm on a dating site!" or "I don't know what to expect here but I'll give it a try!" Listen, you suck at dating in real life and/or you're just super lazy, it's okay. Just stop acting like you're somehow above it and are just here because a friend suggested it. Everyone on the site is on an equal playing field, so you don't have to mention why you're here. We already know.

9. Finally, comb those profiles for red flags - For me, "has kids" is the biggest flag, but that's usually pretty easy to detect as it is usually the only thing the person talks about. Most of the time you need to dig deeper to find the crazy pills.  I mentioned before the stuff about "I don't want cheaters, liars, or assholes" You can go ahead and skip those people. "Don't want anything serious" is code for just wants to fuck, which is good if that's what you want but don't go barking up this tree for a relationship.  Anything about Twilight or Jeff Dunham or other retarded things, pass on those. If you don't like dancing, don't go out with a dancer.  Another big red flag is mentioning they want someone attractive. Seriously? Fuck you bitch.  We all want someone attractive, and the day someone gets to a page, sees that statement, and thinks "well I'm an ugly fuck so never mind" is the day that will never happen ever. Don't ever state the obvious because it makes you sound pretentious and real stupid. Unless you want to be thought an asshole or bitch, then by all means state exactly the person you want in great detail like a shithead.

Well I hope this helps you navigate the world of online dating a little better. It isn't easy, but dating wasn't easy to begin with. Dating is awful, and I really don't recommend it. My suggestion is you skip it entirely, but you're a renegade, and I respect your willingness to subject yourself to such a treacherous world for the sake of dipping your P in a V or vice versa. Be strong, and maybe just maybe, you will find someone who will put up with your annoying ass:)

Twitter stuff 8/29-9/4

I was lazy this week (If not being on twitter hours a day is considered "lazy") so only 7 favorites this week.


@NotDeakins

Don't forget to say "Yeah, my wife!" if someone asks you if you've got a dishwasher at home. Guaranteed laughs all round.

@ShelbyFero Get drunk and pretend to have fun." -parties

@LeChased

If anybody asks, I'm super excited to be at work right now and NOT going from office to office peeing a little bit on everybody's chair.

@Beck_Cellent

Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh..SPLATMAN. - thats my new superhero im working on. He fights crime by shooting lethal loads on villians.

@annielederman

At the Zoo instead of the gym. Pretty much the same. I'm sweaty, thirsty &considering letting one of these hairy animals rip off my spandex.

@thatdjgallo

As always, I will vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to do the time change thingy were it's light later in the day all year.

@NataleeDara I don't see what all the fuss is about, I fold fitted sheets the same way I fold regular sheets: I don't

Best of Twitter 8/22-8/28

Another installment of Best Tweets of the week! No rankings this week, but this is a top 10, so everyone else gets a honorable mention if they tweeted something decent or got a favorite out of yours truly, and if you sucked all week well what can I say? Delete your account I guess.

@ShelbyFero

A kid at this Welcome Week concert just said "on the outside I'm young but on the inside I'm old." On the outside I'm saying "fuck you."

@ChaseMit

Probably a bad sign if you ask your doctor if you have cancer and he says “big time”

@Australianimal

At a job interview: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" "in a mirror, just like I do today, duhhhh" "you're hired, here's $192,000"

@MattGoldich

Hey cool guy, don't audibly say "Wow" when you see a hot girl. You'll freak her out. Just make eye contact with her and mouth "Wow".

@0ddFellow

"Oh snap, the old Free Credit Report .Com band is dissing the new band... shit's about to get cray" - King Of All Ass Hats

@broseichas

No i do not wanna funnel a mountain dew

@3x1minus1

Piers Morgan is interviewing Jeff Foxwothy about a bible game show. America, wtf are we even doing anymore?

@TheKidJeremy

Working with Spike Jones on my new documentary where I try to meet Neve Campbell & Denise Richards called Where the Wild Things Are.

@ThatDJGallo
As always, I will vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to do the time change thingy were it's light later in the day all year.

@annielederman

At the Zoo instead of the gym. Pretty much the same. I'm sweaty, thirsty &considering letting one of these hairy animals rip off my spandex.

 

Best of Twitter 8/15-8/21

Very funny week in Twitterverse (That's a thing, trust me) Here's my top 10 (Yes I'm ranking them now, what would praise be without creating insecurity in folks? Exactly) Enjoy!

1. @_DanFisher Todd Akin: "It's clear that I misspoke, what I meant to say was, it's not rape cause a man has needs, and women are here to please us y'all"

2. @0ddfellow If you and your spouse have a joint Facebook account named JoeandMegan Smitherson then i'm sorry but you can't use the Internet anymore.

3. @vaguelyfunnydan A fun prank is to put dog shit in a paper bag then set someone's home on fire.

4. @ChaseMit Dead people can't hear you saying "Rest In Peace" so remind them frequently while they're still here.

5. @MaronzioVance Crimson Tide, Enemy Of The State, Beverly Hills Cop 2, and True Romance. My favorite Tony Scott films. I have no favorite Tyler Perry films

6. @beck_cellent It doesnt matter how broke i am...dropping my metrocard into garbage water is a deal breaker. Enjoy that singleride homelesspersonwhotweets

7. @JamesAshbery I'm very proud of myself for not watching TV in three weeks. Also, please send money so I can turn my electric back on.

8. @JeffPorper Augusta is proud to admit first two women today. Expects club house to be spotless by sundown.

9. @3x1minus1 Why does the band Train even exist?

10. @PAYNENDASSCMDY All the jobs I ever received where from recommendation from my white friends. All the bj's I received where because of bad white parents.

So there's this week's best, it will be seen by literally over 10 people! Talk about exposure right?!

My Adam Sandler Theory (It's indisputable)

My sister and I were discussing the relative merits to Adam Sandler's movies while watching Mr. Deeds (Granted not his best work, but still funny) when I had a realization. He became what he was supposed to be fighting. 

Bear with me* I have a point. Also if you didn't enjoy Billy Madison and/or Happy Gilmore, you have my permission to leave now.  Okay those who stuck around, You understand why those movies were so great? Let me describe Sandler's characters for you.

Billy Madison - A complete loser and idiot. Is wealthy but only because he lives off his dad's riches. Gets wasted all the time, before going back to 1st grade to get his dad's company. Learns lessons, beats hot shot executive, wins girl, comes out on top. Underdog overcomes odds.

Happy Gilmore - Loser dumped by girlfriend for being a failed hockey player. Realizes he has insane golfing ability. Beats hot shot golfer and wins girl. Underdog overcomes odds.

What is the common theme between them? Adam Sandler starts out as a failure of life, no girlfriend, no future, no purpose. Then through a series of absurd events, he comes out the victor in the end.

Agreed there is a theme there? Now let's lightly analyze his characters in Grown Ups & You don't mess with the Zohan. Those movies were by all accounts, disasters. I've watched both and came away regretting every second I spent watching these two abominations. Now here is a brief description of these two Sandler characters.

Grown Ups - Rich, successful, smoking hot wife played by Salma Hayek. Friends in the movie all have inferior positions in life. No underdog story here.

You don't mess with the Zohan - He plays a Israeli Special Forces Soldier. He is fawned over by all women, and sleeps with a multitude of women. Underdog? No. Loser? No.

So as you can see, it's obvious that Sandler as a cool guy is not cool with us. We want the loser. Whatever, I just hope I'm not the only one confused by Bobby Boucher as a rich guy married to Kate Beckinsale.

Best of Twitter 8/8-8/14

Twitter is the bane of my existence, but sometimes, people on there are very funny and I think they deserve their due props. Will I mention myself? I'm narcissistic enough to have a blog, so the answer is of course yes. Well enough of this bullshit explanation, let's get to the tweets!

@ShelbyFero

Using a quote to describe yourself is a fun way to say "unoriginal."

@ChrisRRegan

Romney at announcement wearing tie, no blazer. Ryan in blazer, no tie. HOLD ON TIGHT, AMERICA! [SFX: guitar shred]

@bigdoperob

I'd ask to see Paul Ryan's birth certificate but he looks like he was born during a fireworks show on the 4th in the bed of a Ford truck.

@ajfriedmanjokes

I'm trying to be more compassionate, but I'm finding it difficult since some of the people I know exist.

@ajfriedmanjokes

my therapist won't return my calls. Maybe I should stop referring to girls I meet at bars as my therapist.

@mikepolkjr

Can anyone recommend a good podcast that has five dudes talking on top of each other for 40 minutes too long?

@comedianvincel

Katy Perry's lyrics are like one long shitty facebook status.

@comedianvincel

TLC must really hate Zach Braff

Stop hating on shitty kids already!

What an outrage! Kids teasing a heavy set older woman, what monsters! What is wrong with those kids, and where are their parents?! They should be suspended, beaten, kicked off the bus, and excommunicated from the country!

Just a few things said during today's uproar over "Busgate".  So what is the issue at hand here really? Are kids really shittier than they were 10 years ago? I doubt it. I remember middle school, not great times for me whatsoever.  I was picked on for my voice, for my glasses, for dressing like a dork, and for being quiet (Funny how when I talked I was made fun of, and if I didn't I was STILL picked on). I dealt with it, hated the people that did it to me, and went on with my life.

Oh yeah, and along the way, I did my share of picking on others too, because, I was a shit kid too when it comes down to it. We all were. If there was someone below you on the social totem pole, guess what, they were your punching bag.

And yes, this extended beyond the confines of students. Lunch monitors got it on a daily basis. They were almost always older, obviously just working a part time job to supplement their Social Security to make ends meat. I know this now. But then? They were old losers who had nothing better to do than yell at me for talking too loud in study hall. I was quiet as I said, but I had friends that were bold enough to tell them these awful things to their face. It wasn't right, but did I laugh? Yes. Because I was a dumbass kid, and insulting teachers and any adult really was the height of hilarity.

Did those people deserve to have insults hurled at them from kids? Absolutely not. Did they expect restitution for what they endured while working? I'd assume not. They handled it professionally, and I truly do feel that kids cross the line a lot, but like I said, they're dumb, they're extraordinarily insecure in many cases, and most of all they're trying to impress their friends, which is the ultimate goal of anyone under the age of 17.

So put down your torches for a second and stop and think about the fact that you're ostracizing a bunch of kids for being shitty, when you know damn well you did plenty of things you probably regret to this day.  I feel bad for the woman, but I've heard they've raised over 50K for her so far so I'm pretty sure she'll be just fine.

P.S. If anybody wants to come make me cry and record it and put it on YouTube so I can get a bunch of charitable donations, just let me know the time and the place and I will be ready to make that money!