Thursday, December 29, 2011

Shopping for a portable CD player in 2011

"I feel so old!" That phrase sound familiar? That's because you've probably said it several times a week regardless of what age you are right now, unless you're a kid under 13 and you have no awareness of what the fuck is happening around you whatsoever enjoy it while it lasts! We all say it because in that very moment we're doing something or being a part of something that helps us realize our advancing age and deteriorating abilities across the board. It's a form of self deprecation we all kinda mockingly say, usually around someone older than us, that helps us relate to people on a basic human level. We're all aging, we all know it, and we all like to throw that fact into small talk as if we're reminding each other of how things used to be way better when we were kids.

I had that feeling old moment today while looking for a portable CD player. Here's the deal, I drive a Ford Taurus w a tape deck, I live in a house with no boombox(another relic), the computer disc drive doesn't work, and all other options like the DVD player seem patently ridiculous to listen to a CD.  There's more to the reason I was in the market for such a outdated piece of technology but really nobody cares so I'll get to the point.  I was in Target, and having no luck finding this antique necessity, I asked an employee, who directed me to a section where there were devices that played CDs, but none so that could be deemed portable.  So I was slightly annoyed, but really what am I going to do? Go home and complain that Target doesn't carry a larger line of a product nobody gives a shit about anymore? So that's the part where I say to myself the quote up there about being old, because nothing says "getting older" like being the guy looking for a typewriter at Best Buy. But for me I don't care, and it lets me know I'm a part of the real world where spending $10 on a basic music player is the norm and having a Smart phone with every song ever isn't a tangible option at the moment.

So we're all getting older, it sucks, and eventually you're going to be that poor bastard just trying to listen to their Now 27 CD. But it's cool people, I'm there with ya!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Twitter is crack, and I'm a fiend.

Hi I'm Vince, and I'm addicted to Twitter, Facebook, texting, blogging, check in in to various businesses for no sane reason, and generally being socially retarded with those I'm not comfortable being myself around.  It's a pretty shitty thing to be constantly choosing to patronize businesses based on their available wifi, especially being a grown man who makes poor real life decisions on a whim but has deep internal conflict about going to a restaurant where I can't immediately "check in".  Why am I like this? Well the likely and easy answer is I'm a completely fucked in the head individual who makes trivial decisions the bane of my existence so to avoid dealing with my current life situation, which is oh so unsavory.  Quite honestly that may be the answer, and I'm totally okay with that.  Because if I am crazy, which is something I pretty much aspire to be, I feel at least my craziness is devoid of narcissism or sociopathic qualities. 

I know that I say things on all these social media sites that essentially go out to hundreds of strangers, but it's the content of what I'm saying that I like to think makes me different than the countless people that provide personal updates on things that literally only they could care about.  Maybe my tweets and updates aren't funny or profound every time, but my goal isn't to pander to idiots with "relatable" bullshit that means nothing to anybody! I'm trying to entertain, and that's all there is to it.  If you see a status or tweet you consider to be trivial and dumb such as such gems like "What a blessed day" or "It's snowing!", just settle down, and be quelled with the knowledge that clearly my account has been hijacked by a porn peddling robot. I won't ever back down, and if you follow someone who needs to be reminded that you don't give a fuck about their family, their shitty day, their worthless life that they're pushing on your innocent eyes, give me their handle, I'll lay into them free of charge, hell I get off on it. Cheers to putting complete strangers in their place! Now let's all get wasted and tweet about it!

Oh by the way check out this guy Matt Fulchiron (@thefullcharge on twitter, he's funny trust me)

Friday, December 16, 2011

We're all full of shit

Every day we go out into the world and pretend to be something we have no interest in being.  We have bullshit conversations with people we mostly have no interest in talking to and do our bullshit job, and let's be perfectly honest most if not all jobs are bullshit in some way.  I'm not even speaking out of bitterness, I sincerely don't think I'd enjoy any job out there that consumed time that I could be spending with friends, family, accomplishing goals, bettering myself, etc.

Work is pointless.

That's not entirely true, work in and of itself isn't pointless, but most work is done in vain.  We'd all rather be doing something else with our time than spending it working towards nothing.  I work towards nothing.  I wouldn't even call what I do work, it's more like biding time until I can leave and do things I want to do.  But I accept that I'm different, most would call me lazy, I just consider myself of a different mindset than most.  If life is short as the saying goes, and we could go at anytime, why do insist on wasting time at jobs? I mean we obviously have to pay bills and all that fun stuff but if anything we should be severely limiting the amount of work we have to do and focusing on enjoying life far more.  But some people work more than they even have to, saving in 401k, Always saving for retirement, and to that I say what the fuck?

You mean you want me to toil away for 50+ years so that when I'm old and tired I can do nothing? I wanna do nothing now damn it! Screw living life when I'm old, I can't wait that long I'm impatient and I'm in the prime of my life!  Oh and yes I know that when I get to that age I won't think like this but who cares? I'm not excited for tomorrow, I'm excited for right now, typing this!  So excuse me if I want to go out and enjoy every night I possibly can, and spend my money now, and completely disregard my retirement which I have no intention of ever reaching.  This is America, and I plan on living a free life as long as possible, and when I run out of money, you'll find me on a street corner with a sign that says "I lived already, what the fuck are you doing? Also I need money for beer".  Oh and also our educational system is a load of shit. The end.

Video of the day

Friday, December 9, 2011

Texting, eating, drinking (soda)...oh and driving.

You ever have like a brush with death and you get that super panicked feeling inside for just a moment? It's the moment where apparently your life is supposed to flash before your eyes and you're supposed to thank a higher power that you didn't get T-Boned by an 18 wheeler if you weren't aware.  Either that is just another bullshit creation of the media or I have a weird response to my mortality.  I swear every time I have those brushes with the grim reaper I just find myself being extraordinarily annoyed by the way dangerous situation that has happened upon me. 

I swear I hit black ice last year and spun around on the expressway and all the while I was doing 360s with my 99 Ford Taurus I was just thinking "Shit, really? Black ice takes me out? How fucking lame" Then I came to rest and I was fine but still I don't remember feeling any terror or fear.

I'm not saying that because I'm tough because I'm not I'm actually a major pussy in typical situations where fear is an expected human emotion.  I just don't want to die in a stupid way is that too much to ask? Another thing is I'm me and if you know me then you're going to make assumptions what caused me to careen into a concrete median. 

Honestly guys if I go out while I'm driving, it's going to be an embarrassing story that involves an unnecessary text, Mcdonalds fries, and possibly reaching for my Ipod that fell on the passenger seat floor so I can change the song from the shitty Sara Bareilles song I downloaded (Paid for) to the even shittier Selena Gomez song I downloaded (Illegally).

Decided I'll do a weekly Top 5 because I am not so surprisingly lazy.

Video of The Day

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

God is a drunken sailor and we're all doomed

Listen guys, I really don't understand Foursquare.  I'm on it, I "check in", and I participate, but I have no legitimate reason why I do it other than to be a part of another technological, not advance, no way I use the word advance when talking about a network dedicated to telling other people where I am.  Nobody could possibly care where I am other than my mother, and she is the LAST person I want to know where I am in most cases.  So someone really needs to explain the benefit of being a part of it, other than getting 20% off my purchase of $10 or more at Pellegrinos, which would be cool if they had free wifi and if I was ever there with another person that would put our total over $10. 

Oh and by the way, my IPod is cracked. People have asked me how it happened numerous times, as if there is some kind of wild story behind it.  Well inquisitive sir or madam, it was pure insanity, you'll never believe this please sit down before reading these next three words: I dropped it.  Yeah I know, unbelievable right? I dropped my Ipod that has a glass screen as you may or may never know, and it cracked from the impact with the floor of a bar after falling out of my pocket.  So now you know, if you see someone with an IPod with a cracked screen, you don't have to ask what happened!  Unless it's someone who plays me in Words with Friends, then which they may have stomped it repeatedly out of sheer frustration.

I'm going to start putting Top 5s on here, I'll take suggestions too so comment or tell me via text or facebook! Here's my 1st one, Top 5 living comedians as my opinion states...

1. Daniel Tosh
2. Louis CK
3. David Cross
4. David Chappelle
5. Patton Oswalt

The Christmas Shoes song as told by #5 Patton Oswalt


Monday, December 5, 2011

Piece of shit car

I've now been stopped by the police a whopping 9 times. I've been stopped for speeding (Twice), broken tail light (Twice), being parked in a non-parking zone (To be fair I wasn't driving but it was one of the poorest decisions of my life that got me there), one time that involved illicit drug use on school property, Not having a seat belt on (Passenger, not me, I am a proud seat belt wearing American!), and the most recent one, which was speeding but quickly became suspicion of drunken driving.  Here's the good news folks, of all those stops, your buddy Vince (You're reading this you're my fucking buddy OK?) has gotten out of every single one scot free. I'm not sure if it's my white skin, my shitty car, or the adorably pathetic look I give every cop that says "Look at me, do you really wanna pile more shit on this dump?", but whatever the case I thank each of those cops for their mercy and the fact that I completely dominated the field sobriety test last night. Got to 34 one thousand standing on one foot before he passed me back onto the road.  For a moment at least, I was the Aaron Rodgers of sobriety tests. 1-0, I hope to retire undefeated in that regard.  If I was the Tim Tebow of those tests, I'd have been in the back of his car after falling over myself on the 1st test. 

Oh and fuck parking police, those assholes/cunts can all eat a bag of shit covered dicks.

Here's an oldie but a goodie

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Gourmet Cupcakes & Scrabble

So I saw a bumper sticker that said "I play scrabble...and I Vote!" Which amazed me because I figured that the board game demographic was pretty much the most dependable for community participation.  I mean the average Scrabble player is about 92 years old and pretty much their priorities are play scrabble, vote, and try not to shit their pants.  One of those is far more difficult than the other two, which is why Depends exist.  How is there even a market for that kind of obvious bumper sticker? Here are some other bumper sticker ideas I'm sure they missed out on:
- I live in Detroit...and I'm unemployed!
- I go to Syracuse...and I've had sex with Laura and Bernie Fine!
- I live in Arkansas...and my wife is my sister!
- I live in America...and I subscribe to the illusion that my vote counts!

Anyways my friend told me the other night that people have the false notion that he is the type of person who eats gourmet cupcakes.  Now I don't know a single person on the face of the earth that I would ever peg as a "gourmet cupcake guy" because that conversation would never happen between two people. I offer this fictional scenario:
Guy 1 : Dude I bet you that dude loves cupcakes.
Guy 2: Nah, by the looks of him and the way he talks and acts, he definitely doesn't just eat any cupcake. This guy is all about handmade, upscale restaurant, gourmet motherfucking cupcakes.
Guy 1: Is this conversation really happening?
Guy 2: I guess in some one's vast imagination, it already did.

Before I go, just know that if you ever overhear a old person tell someone they don't have any change, you tell them they're full of shit, and you rob them.

Happy Holidays everybody!

RIP Patrice

Thursday, December 1, 2011

In defense of Stevie Johnson and "Excessive Celebration"

Listen I get it Bills fans.  Stevie Johnson dropped a couple TD passes he probably should've caught, and for that he is a god damn poose.  But I'd like to send a nice healthy dog turd to anyone who is upset by his end zone antics.  I mean besides the fact that the NFL chooses to penalize and fine players for enjoying their moment in the sun, like some sort of fucking military boot camp where smiles are verboten, and that forced their retarded ass kicker to miss the fucking ball and knock it out of bounds like some sort of half assed on sides kick attempt.  Besides THAT, what is every one's problem with a guy having some fun at someone else's expense? Does Plaxico really not have a sense of humor about the dumbest thing a pro athlete has ever done since Nate Newton was caught with 500 pounds of weed TWICE? Seriously?

Even better than that is the completely misguided and retarded outrage about him crashing into the ground like a plane.  Because that was definitely his intention, I bet that's exactly what went through his head because deep down, Stevie Johnson is a god damned terrorist!  But people apparently failed to realize or just chose to be willfully ignorant to, is the fact that they were playing the Jets.  As in "Jet Plane", as in he was crashing into the ground like the football team the Jets' season was crashing into the ground? Get it? But no we have people in the media who like to sit around and be offended by every attempt at humor and condemn all acts of "look at me!".  Give me a break and go to China if you want everyone to fall in line and obey orders and do their job.  Steve Johnson is a funny guy with a comical inability to catch clutch passes, and that is the end of the story.  Now if next time he scores he has 2 lineman stand next to each other as he crashes into them, maybe I'll re-examine my stance. Until then, let them have some fucking fun!

Love the Black Keys? Love this video.